scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

Post Reply New Topic

3.1

Feel really ehh but not absolutely horrible. I also like my current room I moved back into but I forgot how much it sucked being in such close proximity to the living room. Mainly a problem when I'm trying to fall asleep. Also want to get my hours back to what they were so I can go running at night again..or at least get an alarm clock that will wake me up at 2 am.

Also feel guilty because I rarely smoke pot and my sister and her boyfriend had a pipe and were toking, asked me if I wanted a hit and I said "No thanks, don't want to kill anymore of my brain cells." sort of jokingly. I noticed they were having such a good time I shrugged and joined them, I guess I feel a bit mad at myself and weak willed.

-9. Suicidal last night. I feel just slightly better. I got into this stupid conversation/argument with my ex just because when I broke up with him it meant ending all social interaction (except with my family who I can't talk about this stuff with) so if my loneliness gets bad enough sometimes I do stupid stuff like that. Also it is father's day and my siblings and I are taking my dad to a movie and I have to borrow money from someone because I literally don't have $10.

I like being with my dad, but I'm just going to have to fake it today.

-5, I have to go to Minnesota for a week for family crap the beginning of July...and I am not exactly thrilled about it, but if I don't go I'll never hear the end of it. I just hope there's not drama like last time i was out there.

-7.
I know now I'm much lower functioning than I had thought, and my dreams are probably out of reach. I don't want to do anything and can't even get enthusiastic about special interests anymore. I'm not suicidal, but not much better.

-8 and feeling very numb.

i was suicidal yesterday and made an attempt on my life. I think my boyfriend is mad and wants me to go to hospital. I am very upset over the whole thing. Now my body feels like it has been through a mince grinder with pain from mixing so many pills and ODing.

0 sleep all day numb to the world upset because I had so much to get done but really needed the sleep.

-2.4

Tired. I think I'm ready for my sister and her boyfriend to return home, they make a lot of noise when I try to sleep and I can't go to the kitchen without her breathing down my neck and it makes me really uncomfortable. It was nice having her visit but I'm ready for life to return to some normalcy now. I really want to sleep now but she's slinking about in the kitchen making a lot of noise. I peeped my head out to ask if I could turn off the tv, since her boyfriend was in the other room with the light's off and I think my sister is spitefully trying to make noise because she now knows I'm trying to sleep. My sister doesn't HATE me, but she's..very spiteful and it always struck me as weird but nowadays its something I try not to think about. She's also having some kind of inner monologue outloud to herself right now..don't know why.

I hate it when I try to sleep and there's ONE person making as much noise as possible. The loudest person is always the most subtle, the tv will be off but sure enough you'll be kept up by their walking back and fourth, their shuffling..yes I'm very grouchy when I'm sleepy.

-4.3

Mom won't be going with me to painting tonight, I feel really sh***y. What's the point of even going now..? I wish my sister would go back home for at least A FEW DAYS too. Sister is irritating me too and despite being 9 weeks pregnant she still won't quit smoking.

I feel really terrible, I hate going out by myself around people. I can't even take any medicine to calm down because I have to drive home...almost considering not going but I love painting.

-10... very realistic. I am so stupid I can't do the simplest of tasks, even ones a 2 year old should be capable of. I have no mental capacity. Constant stress around me. There is nothing positive to say. Just that I am the best realist in history of mankind. This means in my mind negative=realistic. It is because a realist's life is based on disappointment after disappointment. I just hate myself right now. There is just dark energy from within, with no light shining through. Everything is black. Dark. I ruin everyone and everything. Companies as well. The world. The Universe. Literally everything. That is why I have to be the best realist known to mankind. The glass isn't just half empty, in fact not totally empty... its not even there! I know that the psychologist wants to do an IQ test on me to prove that I am supposedly "smart" but everything proves I am useless and worthless as a human being. I don't work, I only make SSI payments, I don't drive, can't figure out simple things, can't cook for myself, can't fix things myself, don't do anything particularly useful (people say my art is worth something but in recent months/ years it makes nothing and in fact was the worst decision companies can make because I permanently destroyed the companies (notice its plural). So many health problems its unbelievable. No one is healthy. Dad has back and heart problems. Mom has this long list that I can't even remember them all. My brother is morbidly obese with maybe a couple of years left of life, I am getting so heavy from all my poisonous pills that I used to be the extremely thin and beautiful one. Now I am morbidly obese. I can't even stay on my feet for very long. The pills have added at least 80 + pounds on me. Maybe its now closer to 100 pounds extra from the pills. I know for a fact its the pills because when I went off of them for 3-6 months I lost over 50 pounds rather quickly. Nothing was different. I am not eating much either, so its the poison. My computer might be failing. Rats in the house. Dad retiring with no money is in our immediate future. Just a long, dark tunnel with no light at the end of it is our family's future. Basically there is none. I have no future. When the parents die I will be either extreme poverty or worse, on the streets. I have no useful skill. My art is IT. And that isn't even that good. Well the scenes might be though. Just a few. We recently had to buy a car. That's right you heard it right... a car. Now we have $300 a month payments along with all these other problems. And don't forget my brother's autism testing. That was about $1,100. We just got the bill last week. Mom's surgery on her knee might be failing. I hate all this stress. Its just too realistic.

-4. Why does everything in my life feel like it's based on fear?

Was +4 before I got home now after the tirade to how bad some ones day who didn't do any thing all day about me sleeping on Sunday after noon -2 guess theirs no rest for the wicked.

0 I haven't heard from my man in a few days and i know he is very man at me.

-3. I need something productive to do.

-1.

Neutral with a hint of exhaustion.

-6

Flu, Feel bad, Got in an argument, I'm just going to fall asleep now.