scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-1.2

I want my sister and her boyfriend to go home. Did a lot of reading but I really want to take a nap now Titanic is being watched in the living room on the big tv which is only seperated by the wall in my closet and another.

I also had a crappy night at class last night and my legs ache even though I haven't been able to run for a week. I think it might be the bed, its very hard.

in the minuses. Can't pick a numbr.

-11... Every single thing is going wrong. Name it and its going wrong. There is no light. I hate myself. Did I mention there is no light at the end of the tunnel? Just complete darkness. I repel people. I am the Dark Lord. My brother has got denied SSI after we put in $1,100 in autism testing. There are rats in the house, we have traps everywhere and keep on catching them. My mom had surgery, highly dangerous for her since most of the surgeries she had she develops an infection and nearly dies. Last week on my dad's birthday, we had to call 911 because it looked like he was having a heart attack. We recently had to buy a car because the other one broke down and the repairs would have cost around $10,000. What else is going to go wrong? My brother will have absolutely NO money to pay his student loans. If he still has no money next year it is the end. He will HAVE to pay it and then it will turn out that my parents will have to pay $1000 a month. Then we will lose everything we own. My dad will retire with no money. We will live in poverty. Nothing to look forward to. NOTHING. I bet something will cancel our yearly 4th of July party. My computer is having problems. It might totally fail on me. I just got it last year. It cost around $1,800. Overwhelming stress. I am getting incredibly slow. It takes longer to think of things. Nothing. Nothing. Slow. Nothingness. Blank face. No smile. Gotta force it. That is all.

0 +-.00009560 busy day nothing to be happy about or sad about

-10

-4

I just don't care about anything. Why bother, really. Just killing time and trying not to drag the people around me down too much.

-5.

Pissed off because my family is getting on to me again for things that I couldn't care less about.

-10, I won't but I kinda feel like I should get it over with and kill myself....but luckily I don't seem to have the energy or motivation, maybe I will go have a cigarette instead. Don't know exactly why I feel so terrible at this particular moment because it's too hot to think about it. So yeah crappy mood, really hot weather and suicidal thoughts is how I'm spending my afternoon......oh wait it's almost 8:00 at night, thank god that means the sooner i get to sleep and wake up tomorrow which will be slightly better since I will probably go back to my friends house and piss my mom off by doing so...but she wont be as pissed because I'll call numbers she gave me to help with my mental health. Not sure any of it will be any real use to me but if I just get it over with and call then she can't nag me about it anymore at least for a while, though she will when I call and none of it proves helpful.

If she gets any more pushy though I really might just up and leave bad idea or not, because she's getting pretty close to that point.

-8

fu****g SSA, fu****g doctors, f*** f*** f***

Is this new doctor going to pull the usual sh**? -- where I have to be his slave and go along with every expensive or otherwise ill-advised thing that he wants to do because he's dangling the threat of a bad report to SSA over my head? I've been dealing with this health crap for 20 years, so I know what I'm doing, but that doesn't matter because the doctor's ego is the most important thing.

Yeah, "patient centered" care, my a**.

-5.6

Got back from my jog at the track tonight for my parents to inform that we are probably going to move into my grandma's house on the sh***y side of town because A: we won't be renting and 2. It will cost half as much. I use to live in the area in gradeschool and f*****g HATED IT, nothing but the worst kind of country folk and there's a dogfood factory that stinks up the air. Tons of ambient noise from it too at night. The house is also slightly smaller than the one we went now and I grew to hate it because of the last couple of years I would spend at my grandma's staying over with her when my grandfather had died, it has a very negative stigma for it. The place we live now is out in the middle of nowhere in some very nice land owned by our landlords and its absolutely beautiful, especially during spring and summer. The only people out here are horse owners and a couple of other folks renting.

I'm SO pissed off because there are so many perks about living out here. When we moved initially from our old neighborhood I lost my running route but the track at our gym is several miles away and its open to anyone. Its also less than 5 minutes away from the school I go to for art classes and that I might start attending again for college credits. If/WHEN (my parents stress the latter) we will be on the other damn side of town. I'm highly anti-social period but I f*****g HATE people so much on that side of town, they are so small minded and rude. Where we live now our landlords are rich but very eccentric, educated old people. The other side of town is nothing but "good ol'boys" and trash. I know this sounds judgmental, but I had to deal with that s**t for over 10 years and was happy to move to the far side of town and never see another yokel again.

Nature is absolutely beautiful out here, again, because everything is owned by our landlords. My parents say they are watching out for their own future now but I'd sooner live in a f*****g box in the woods then go to grandma's house. I seriously want to die, I can have some sort of peace of mind here but now..ugh. I wish my grandmother had never asked to move into a nursing home if I'd known we'd end up moving to her house. It has TWO bedrooms and my sister is having a baby so its going to be so stuffed, I already feel cramped here with her and the boyfriend..life is only getting worse.

I feel like somehow this is karmatic retribution for putting my dad's mother in a nursing home. She said she wanted to go before we moved her but now I think there is a God and he's being a spiteful as*hole . Have to look forward to leaving the serene ambiance of nature for gaudy, semi-industrialized white trash neighborhood. God, words cannot describe how MUCH I HATE THAT SIDE OF TOWN. I hate the grocery store, I hate the gas station, I hate the people coming to and going from all SIX churches in a 5 mile radius, I hate, hate, hate, HATE HOW UGLY EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS. Sound like I'm throwing a temper tantrum? I am.

Also the floor is carpet in the house (HATE), in all the bedrooms and its small. The house we live in is small now but its cozy and there's a basement to store stuff in and paint my miniatures and models. Guess I'm s**t out of luck now for my hobbies outside of reading. But hey, its a bit cheaper than what my folks rent now and they'll OWN it so I guess owning a piece of literal s**t with ~*emotional attachment~* is worth it to some people. I would seriously consider moving out just because of this if I had the means or friends. f**k.

+2

I'm going to learn how to drive in a few weeks. I'm going to clean the car off tomorrow and but some personal belongings in it to make it feel more like my own. I just wish that I didn't make a total arse of myself today.

-10. So much for trying to make bygones be bygones (so much for those "statements" we sent each other at xmas). I get it, the worst time of my life was all my own f*****g fault. Can you stop reminding me of it please? I'm only trying to get a fair go in the present. Obviously, people think I'm in no position to assert myself. I'm sick of being made to feel like I'm not a good enough person to be a friend. Christ, you even said in other words that SHE was a better person than me.

-10. Oh well, nothing I can do to save it now *crawls back into safety cupboard*

+1 eventually I'll get to where I'm supposed to be in life...