scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-6 I kinda wanted psychological help...and now that my mom gave me some numbers and information of some resources and I have more numbers from a regular doctors appointment I am actually kind of hoping my pessimism and uselessness causes anyone I talk to, to give up on me. I mean in reality what will they do help me function in a society I hate? I guess i just don't see what the point is...or why I even bothered looking into any resources or even brought it up to my mom.

((((Hugs)))) to those in the negatives. I've been there, it sucks .

Good luck with learning to drive AnnettaMarie, and ProfessorX I hope you get there soon.

For me I'm neutral 0

-3. I am such a sad sack the only way I can get a job is through my parents helping me. That'd be okay if I wasn't a 24 year old with an honors degree. I am so ashamed of myself.

Thanks for your reply, I responded to your PM too.


-3.2

I feel a bit better than last night but I was probably around -6 before talking to my mom. I refused to take my meds or eat, I was so angry and yes I am very childish and immature if something truly upsets me. I bitched at my dad some, voicing more complaints, explaining why I was so mad and he related a bit, saying he liked the area but that ultimately it was "the best decision". He still sounded way too optimistic about the whole deal, I told him that an asteroid could come and hit the Earth any day and kill everyone so why should we move back to that side of town if he's so worried our landlords will suddenly die. They are in great health and at the very least have 10 or 15 years in each of them.

Of course when I came to talk to mom, calming down a bit, the harsh reality hit me and I felt really sick. She told us how all this stuff really wasn't ours' and everything here was a big illusion. Those words made me feel very damned, like I was coming to rejoin sh***y reality..we discussed grandma's house and I tried to make the best of the situation, saying which room I wanted and making plans to paint it. The good thing is that it will cost about 50% of what my folks pay in rent each month and they'll own the house and we can actually do stuff to the house. With that said, I am still feel very sick over moving to that side of town, it has nothing but negative memories for me. Its very isolated, peaceful and serene up here where we rent. I have some problems but there's very good energy here and its so beautiful during the spring when all the insects are pollinating the cherry tree in the front yard.

I feel sh***y but I guess...I'll have to accept it. The air feels so good up here, just the thought of returning to that awful area makes me break out into hives. What hurts is that I know, deep down, that my mom is right. I know one guy's family, not a friend really but someone who IMs me occasionally, and they have been evicted about 5 times just because the land lords all felt capricious. Our landlords we have are very respectable, cool people. They have tons of animals, llamas, horses, pigs, lots of farmland, beautiful yet cozy house..but they are in their 70s. What bothers me a lot too is that when they die all this land will probably end up getting sold and developed, made into s**t like everything else here. It makes me so angry, I hate people and money and profit.

Last edited by NeueZiel on 20 Jun 2012, 4:25 pm, edited 3 times in total.

-10. Recovering from carbon monoxide poisoning and dealing with a dispute with my landlord over it, since it happened in my apartment, due to her handyman's negligence. Hoping I don't have any long-term side effects from this and that I can get her to pay my medical bills. My life is a mess again and I really don't feel like I have it in me to keep going.

+4 up till who know when but its ok.

-10

Effing SSDI review. Hope they don't send me to some hack doctor who they pay to automatically give everyone they send him a negative assessment. Sh**, there's no way that they won't.

Wow, had a couple of years mostly free of suicidal ideation. I guess this is the end of that.

This is awful, I'm really sorry and I hope the doctor isn't an as*hole. Hope everything goes well for you.



0.0
Pretty neutral. I think I've got my hours back to where I want them, was not productive at all today though. Just went back to sleep so now I'm going to have to do extra reading to get back on track. I'm downloading a Massive Attack torrent now and will probably go out to the track while I still can in 90 minutes. I'm...trying to be very optimistic about moving, one good thing is that my Grandpa (RIP) had some very beautiful flower bushes and a huge garden..I'm very interested in growing some veggies and my own flowers in the abandoned plot. Looking forward to that. Dad said if we do move it will be in August. There's still a chance we might not but my parents are very excited for this..

Thanks. I'm going to call my former disability lawyer tomorrow. Maybe she'll have a good idea about what to do.

-6.8

Well, I was ready to go out and run, went to they key rack at noticed our car keys were not on them. We have a houserule where whoever last used the car always racks them so they don't get misplaced. I knock on my parents' door and am pretty mad because ever since my sister has been staying the keys have NEVER been on the rack and she tells me to shut up each time I tell her to rack them. As I'm knocking my sister comes out and tells me angrily that there is no gas in the car (she used it of course despite her boyfriend having a gas guzzling SUV parked in our yard) and then I told her that we have certain rules in this house she has to adhere to while she's here and that she can't just keep the car keys locked with her in the bacrkoom when she falls asleep. She tells me I'm a b***h and can go to hell, that this isn't her house and I have zero authority over her and that its too late for me to go out to run to which I inform her I've been doing this every night since BEFORE she came to stay and for her to put the keys on the rack.

My dad comes out next, screaming at me, tells me to stop being a selfish little b***h like I always am and to stop humiliating everyone. I try to tell him I know my sister left no gas in the car but I would like the keys to be put on their proper rack so they are not lost, I'm mega OCD about that since my SISTER HAS LOST THE KEYS BEFORE WHEN SHE LIVED WITH US. Dad doesn't listen to me, his mouth frothing practically, then he hits me and causes me to fall straight into my the back end of my bedstead. Then tells me that if I don't shut the hell up he'll never forgive me and slams the door. Of course when I fell back he called me a lying c**t who "fell on purpose" and I'm sure that's going to be his defense in the morning. No one will care anyway.

Damn, that sucks. I'm really sorry to hear about all of that.

^^ Ah geeze; yeah, I agree. Family can sure be a special kind of insanity-making sometimes.

Agreed, it is never easy especially when family serves to further contribute to the already difficult life experiences people must endure. The human experience especially these days can be quite a trip. In my life, some of the most problematic and equally traumatic experiences gave me great perspective. At times, when I was at my worst there was but one way for me to go. Forward, no matter what. It also made me far stronger than expected. Empowering.

Thank you so much everyone for responding and caring, I don't like attention mongering but it makes me feel better to post here and even more good to see people are concerned. You're all very kind. And no this physical thing isn't a regular occurrence, I use to get slapped a few times when I was younger but not frequently. Of course everything was all dandy today like nothing had happened, I don't have any bruises so I'm just glad people weren't given me silent treatment. I'm always ready to move on from a big fight after my recovery period but always hate it when other people involved let their feelings linger as a way to punish you. Thankfully that wasn't the case this time.

-.07

I feel very eh. I was hoping I would be able to sneak out to the track tonight since my parents put a little bit of gas in the car but I checked the key rack an hour ago, getting ready and it was gone. Alright great, take precautions against me wanting to go do what makes me feel better..the place isn't even 5 miles away. GOTTA SAVE MONEY THOUGH *pregnant sister and mom buy cartoon of cigs*

Was going to try to be productive, do more reading and work on practicing my math(not enrolled in any classes aside from my painting thing, I just want to get good at math). I opted to give myself a day off and looked through some of my D&D books, trying to re-learn stuff. My parents and sister want to play and I'm creating a silly but fun campaign for them, they've already picked what classes they want and I'm trying to think of ways to make it enjoyable, gamey but not too...unforgiving or meta-y. Only my sister has played D&D before and it was a long time ago, I'm the only "nerd" but everyone is interested. Sister picked a druid,Mom a sorcerer, sister's boyfriend a monk, and Dad will be a paladin He likes westerns and saw the name "Paladin" in the sourcebook and just had to make one, he loves that show.

Looking forward to working on dungeon maps, I even have graph paper..but remembering all the dice stuff is kind of giving me a headache. I like it since its the "gamey" part of D&D but its just daunting trying to grasp enough of it to have a decent game when you've only played once and someone else was DMing using my books.

Yeah screw it I mean in reality there is no realalistic way for me to make enough income to live on so why the hell do I even try to keep going? for the non-existant thrill.

+4 running crazily about the house working