Why does no one want me to have a relationship?

Post Reply New Topic

So?

Why does it matter what anyone says?

If someone told you to go jump off a bridge, would you do it?

If this is something you want, you have to work to get it and you have to do certain things to make it happen. No one is going to just give it to you. And no one can do it for you.

"My mother and older cousin have also told me "You don't need a girlfriend." and my mother actually pressured me to get a vasectomy because she was paranoid I would have sex in college and straight out told me I wouldn't be a good father."

...and? So what?

The Grand Inquisitor made a great post about a week ago. You should read it again.

"Marknis, I'm going to be very straight with you. I doubt that anybody here actively wants you to not get a girlfriend. Whether or not you get a girlfriend has such a minimal effect on the lives of everyone on this site that it would be insane for any of us to get so emotionally invested one way or the other. Most of us would like to see you succeed just as we'd like to see anyone else on this site succeed, but if you don't choose to make the choices that will lead you to success, it's not like it's going to cause any problem in our day-to-day lives. People tend to only get strongly emotionally invested in things that affect them, and your getting a girlfriend or not getting a girlfriend quite frankly doesn't affect us personally.

What you're likely experiencing from others on this site and mistaking as ill-will is backlash from those who are frustrated by the fact that you've been given tons and tons of good advice and rather than implement what's applicable, you choose to ignore it and continue ruminating about the same problem for years on end. If you don't get your act together, it's quite likely that you will never overcome your struggles.

Most people have a preference for a partner who is physically attractive and healthy. You're overweight and pre-diabetic. Most people have a preference for a partner who is independent, financially stable and with a decent career and job prospects. You live with your mother, there's no indication that that's going to change any time soon if at all, you presumably don't make enough to comfortably live independently and you do part-time and unskilled work and have minimal marketable job skills and prospects which, again, there's no indication that you're doing anything to improve. People, but specifically women, prefer partners who are ambitious/go-getters. Despite reaching adulthood 12 or 13 years ago, you've never moved out of home and lived independently and you've been at the same unskilled dead-end job for over 10 years, so judging by your living and employment situations, you are the antithesis of ambitious.

So what do you have going for you? Well I'd assume you're a cordial, kind-hearted man who cares about those close to you, but if that's all you've got to offer a woman, well quite frankly it's not enough, as your experience should tell you.

If you don't work towards improving your living situation, employment situation, financial situation, dietary situation, physical appeal or any combination of those until you're an appealing enough prospective partner for a woman to consider dating, you will continue to allow years and years of your life pass you by without any improvements to your romantic situation. You need to set some life goals and get working on them quick-smart if you want any hope of finding yourself a romantic partner. If you don't choose to, it's no skin off my nose, but just know that your own complacency is the driving force behind your failure. Not what your parents did or didn't do when you were younger, not your older brother, not what other people told you, not the bible belt, but your unwillingness to step up to the plate and do what's required to attract a woman into your life.

If you don't want to be commiserating about the same problems by the time you're 40, you'd best start becoming an independent, financially stable, healthy adult now. If you don't, then you only have yourself to blame, and don't be surprised when people get tired of hearing you complain about the same problems endlessly when you're not taking the measures necessary to solve them."

EVERYBODY should read it again! It condenses into one, single post all of the advice, attention and commentary that has been put out for the OP in the last three years -- all of which he has either dismissed or ignored.

I think you're loveable.

You should listen to what The Grand Inquisitor has to say. He has a lot of good advice.

Yeah, based on the fact that Mark refused to visit links about narcissistic mothers for the sole reason that the one who originally posted it (in a different thread, in a different context, I just think taking credit for contributions of others is wrong so I included the author's username) was Evil Serpentari
Yeah, most probably whatever we do, whatever we say, good or bad, Mark will hear and remember only the bad part and nothing useful


Mark, you do choose which gifts you accept!
But it seems more and more clear that you are addicted to being put down...

You're viewing getting a girlfriend and getting your life together as mutually exclusive, when in reality they're intrinsically linked.

What's more, you're sending messages about yourself through your actions (or lack thereof) that are going to repel potential partners.

Overweight and pre-diabetic - "I care so little about my health that I would rather indulge in the moment than consider the long-term consequences, despite the fact that I am at risk for getting diabetes".

Living situation - "I am either incapable or care so little about moving out that despite reaching adulthood 13 years ago, I've never lived independently, and there is no reason for you to believe that I'm going to do anything to change that. If you date me, either we won't end up living together because I can't live independently, or if we do live together, the bulk of the adult responsibility is going to fall on your shoulders because I have no experience living independently."

Working situation - "I've worked the same dead-end part-time job for 13 years, either because I'm incapable of doing any better and working longer hours, or because I have such little motivation to seek out better employment or to upskill. In either case, I won't be able to afford to pay my own way on holidays or potentially even just to restaurant outings, so either you pay for me or we'll just have to stay at home forever. And you can forget about having children, unless you want to pay for them, because I barely (if at all) make enough to support myself, let alone children."

Even if some of the above statements aren't accurate, this is the perception people are going to get just by knowing you've never moved out of home, have worked the same part-time unskilled job for over a decade and are currently facing an inadequately addressed risk of diabetes. These messages are going to put off the vast majority of women and those who aren't put off will be women who put off the vast majority of men.

As I said before, self-improvement and dating are not mutually exclusive. If you happen to meet someone you can date while striving for self-improvement, there's no law that says you have to turn them down, but by the same token when you have no dating prospects and fail continuously over a period of years, the logical thing to do is to evaluate why you might be failing, and then to do what you can to fix it. In your case it's quite obvious.

If you are unwilling to make yourself appealing to women, then women will continue to be unwilling to date you. Worrying about how much time you have and deflecting from actually improving anything is only going to give you less time to work on things and then your fear about not having enough time becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The path of least resistance is self-improvement, and the sooner you start the process, the sooner you are likely to get a girlfriend. Conversely, the more you resist self-improvement, and the more you resist upping your appeal to women, the longer it will take before you get a girlfriend (assuming that you ever do). If you don't seriously consider what women want and strive to move yourself closer to that, women won't consider you.

There are many options on what you could do, one of them is simply not to listen. Another is to listen and to do something about these things. I mean "don't work on it too long" and "you'll run out of time" are warnings that go hand in hand. However, instead of worrying about these things, you should actually do something about them. Again, what have you done to improve your situation? Have you gone out more in order to meet women? Have you tried to talk more to women you already know? Have you done anything to make yourself more appealing? Also, like kraftiekortie (did I spell it right for once? I always end up saying kraftiekroftie for some reason...) once said, "You need to accept that there is a small chance you'll never have a partner" is the same as saying "there's a big chance you will some day have a partner." It's a positive comment, not negative.

As for the "you don't need a girlfriend" -comment, I've said that to you too, because you don't need a girlfriend, you just want one. You might be sad without a girlfriend, but saying that you need one is a bit too dramatic. People need food, a roof over their head, medicine in some cases, but a person won't die from the lack of a romantic/sexual partner.

Bravo! I am giving you a standing ovation!

Three years' worth, to boot!

What we have are members (plural) who seem to ignore ANYONE's advice, yet who also continue to post the same old complaints.

And if you read through this and other threads, you will see that I am not the only member who has noticed.

It's not a crime or a WP rule break to ignore advice or make excuses why the advice won't work.

A different approach is needed if you truly want to help.

Of course it's not a crime! Nor is it a crime to point out what should be (and often is) obvious to the general membership. Of course a different approach is needed -- but from which side of the discussion?

Take a look at the myriad of ways that well-meaning people have approached those who express their needs: some tried humor, some tried sarcasm, some tried Political Correctness, some tried facts and statistics, some tried the "Dutch Uncle" approach, and some even tried to provide links to support services. But no, "it's too hard", "it takes too long", "I tried that already", "nothing works" … et cetera. It's as if helpful advice is not what's being sought, but something else... whatever it may be, we well-meaning members are obviously not equipped to provide it, and many of us well-meaning members have virtually thrown up our hands in disgust and simply stopped trying to help.

A new approach? Such as?

I dunno

That’s nice , I wish some woman would