scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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Good luck to you outofplace.
- 10

-8...losing one battle after another.
Wrote a long whiny post, but don't see the point posting it, so I'm using this to placate my vanity in thinking the world cares.

My heart goes out to you, for what it's worth. I cannot imagine beginning to cope with your situation, just having to deal with that kind of stress and worrying about if your house is flooded or not will make you a stronger person, though I don't think anyone should have to deal with those feelings.

I hope all is well and that your house isn't flooded..

-3.4

Mood has been worsening gradually. Tried doing some painting to cheer me up but screwed up with what I originally intended to do so I just started messing with colors. Kind of therapeutic at least. I feel almost like I want to cry but can't and I don't know why. Nothing has really changed since I made my last posts. I hope this is just a bad spell and I bounce back after another day or two to a more manageable mood. My parents asked me to go out with them today because Mom has to go to the doctor and I said I'd go, which is rare. Hoping some new scenery will cheer me up.

My sister is being very bitchy, I think she's gone into full pregnancy hormone mood swing mode so I just stay away from her.

I think I'm going to plant some perennials..I want to plant something but its not spring. Just thinking about what flower to go with and where to put a plot;. Its always good to have something new to think on.

-3. Sometimes I just want to hide away from everyone. I wish I was capable of healthy happy interactions with others, but they're always disordered and turbulent interactions. I don't know how to be better.

+0.01
Same old same old, but looking forward to tomorrow.

Exhausted , defeated and hopeless and off the scale. - 10 would feel like a beautiful day at the beach at this point in my life.

I kept playing the game of life because there was always hope, because I didn't know what the final score would be. And now at my age it is clear that I have lost and that the score will just keep piling up against me.

I've entered a black hole, I know there is no going back but there is an escape - and I'm strangely at peace with it somehow.....

Back to 0

My house didn't flood and the river crested last night. Now all I have to do is go and help my parents strip the carpeting from their house before mold sets in. Unfortunately, they don't have flood insurance, so it's probably going to mean they live with concrete floors for a while.

Thanks for caring, johnny77 and NeueZiel. The sentiment is really appreciated.

-10 resiting the urge to finish what I started years ago, just got to remind myself of the kids to keep me here.

-4

My mom is annoying this week. All I have literally done was try to explain to her that the toilet's water pump isn't spraying down the nozzle and into the pipe where it's always supposed to, and going down the wire thing that's attached to the toilet handle instead. It's not supposed to do that, and it's why the toilet isn't filling up as it's supposed to. I've looked inside a number of different toilet tanks. I'm not so brain-dead, that I need such a deliberate disbelief brush off, to be called a nag who wants the repair men now when I'm JUST trying to be understood, and then have to apologize for somehow hurting her feelings when I did nothing, absolutely NOTHING but try my best to explain to her that it doesn't flush that way! Drama for NOTHING, basically. AAAA! *rips hair out* I've tried. I really have. I've talked to her softly, happily, and even with my serious face. Nothing but, "oh maybe it's just slow" instead. Yeah, it NOW 'just goes slow' after working for a week. Yeah right. I know what the problem is, just not how to fix it.

Just one tiny, DAM confirmation of "Yeah, I get it, but..." would have been MORE than enough, but nope, let's get into another brainless emotional tap dance! Just yesterday, I was very happily saying things out loud. It was a very good mood too. The kind of mood I'm so comfortable in, that Mom and Dad get offended and tell me to shut up. Well, this time she made chihuahua like impersonations of my voice. I wasn't even yelling, just being happy in the living room, thinking out loud about what I'm going to do next in tasks as she does ALL the time! Really? I sound like an annoying ankle biter? Ouch. Yeah, that hurt my feelings, so I got some money and went to the store to get a couple of things that she needed in the fridge. Perfect time to cry. I was upset to that I backed into the telephone pole like a dunce. Everyone thinks my voice is disgusting. Why lie to myself, and accept their cheap old compliments? Actions did the talking for them first, so the compliments to make me feel better about myself don't do anything but annoy me some more. They do this with my driving, and my facial appearance. I'm not even the kind of person to be obsessed about my looks. I only go on long walks, and want to lose weight , because I'm just tired of being fat and wimpy!

Last edited by LiendaBalla on 28 Jun 2012, 9:59 am, edited 3 times in total.

-7 I just hate it when I lose sight of my structure, especially if I had started doing well on the structure... makes me feel like an immense failure... but I guess I'm too hard on myself.

-6.8

Sister has had a temp of 102+ since last night, finally went to the hospital (taking our car) with her boyfriend. A fever that high this early in pregnancy is very, very bad. Sister and her boyfriend can't go home due to circumstances for awhile so if she ends up miscarrying there's going to be a horrible storm brewing in the house. My parents will be crushed, most importantly, they've had to suffer the most because of my sister's BS in the past and while a miscarriage is traumatic and not her fault it would still make me feel angry. Also take into account her boyfriend has been very taciturn for the past week+ and if she does miscarry he's going to be very abusive and violent toward all of us.

I know I sound VERY selfish, in fact I am. I have a very strained relationship with my sister due to stuff she has done to all of us, I do not wish a miscarriage on anyone, but this house does not need a horrible tragedy. We've had to endure my sister, literally, since coming over went from visit to semi-permanent lodging. I'm honestly scared of her boyfriend now, I think if something happens to his baby he'll lash out against me, attack me and of course nothing will be done. He could get violent, knock over s**t and my parents would do nothing.

I'm crossing my fingers, hoping everything turns out okay. For everyone. I can't concentrate at all on anything.

-10

+5, I had a revelation that throwing away that jar of prozac was probably one of the best things I did for myself. Plain and simple it was making me more 'docile' by breaking down my barriers so I was nakedly exposed to everything I built that barrier to protect me from. I was making progress with not worrying so much what people think and trying to accept myself for who I am and its like the prozac threw me back a few steps. I hate to think how much worse off I would be mentally if I kept taking that drug. Anyways it wasn't till a little earlier I finally connected the peices because I knew it did something i hadn't yet recovered from...and now I think I've figured it out.

So I am back, well at least who I was after the PTSD and before the prozac....I will never be who I was before the PTSD but hey why dwell on it.

-9 still don't want to go on but must keep going.

-3.4

Sister turned out fine, put on antibiotics. Still wish they'd leave. Haven't spoken to either in a week despite us all being under the same roof in a small house.

That's good news that she is going to be fine. It must be a terrible feeling to be on such bad terms and having to be in close proximity for an extended duration. Hopefully it will work out.