scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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NeueZiel
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28 Jun 2012, 9:51 pm

RadicalDreamers wrote:
NeueZiel wrote:
-3.4

Sister turned out fine, put on antibiotics. Still wish they'd leave. Haven't spoken to either in a week despite us all being under the same roof in a small house.


That's good news that she is going to be fine. It must be a terrible feeling to be on such bad terms and having to be in close proximity for an extended duration. Hopefully it will work out. :(

Yeah, thanks. Its pretty awful, I've been able to restrain myself and act normal but now I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to just being openly aggressive. My parents just stay in their room all the time and lock the door.

I'm really sick of her boyfriend. He actually goes out into the living room at night and argues loudly on his cellphone with either his parents or someone who owes him money. Its very annoying and I wish he'd just go outside.



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28 Jun 2012, 10:13 pm

-11.

Sorry if people think I'm exaggerating. But honestly, numbers don't properly represent what one goes through when your life keeps getting geometrically worse and you catch yourself starting at sharp knives.



RadicalDreamers
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28 Jun 2012, 10:20 pm

johnny77 wrote:
-9 still don't want to go on but must keep going.


Keep going no matter what.



Moonhawk
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29 Jun 2012, 5:24 am

This morning i felt -5, now i feel about a +6 because i was writing a rant in my journal about my doubts and how confused i sometimes get about what life really is and because i'm in the part of accepting and finally dealing with things instead of avoiding them which makes me feel really bad even with my new meds that work great, and therapists don't let me of the hook that easily, with all the hard questions that i have to think about eventually anyway :/

And i agree, we all need to keep going anyway :)



sagan
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29 Jun 2012, 9:49 am

-10. Being so ridiculously angry and depressed lately. I can not figure out why, I need to do something.


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ProfessorX
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29 Jun 2012, 9:50 am

+1 trying to reach a higher numerical scale as time moves on...



johnny77
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29 Jun 2012, 6:47 pm

RadicalDreamers wrote:
johnny77 wrote:
-9 still don't want to go on but must keep going.


Keep going no matter what.


I will because I must.

-7 a little better but still not right.



NeueZiel
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30 Jun 2012, 12:18 am

-8.5

Just had A HUGE fight with my parents. Lots of yelling and arguing and my dad finally got sick of me and punched me in the eye. There was no mark, he's not that strong and just lays around all anymore. Next my folks threatened to put me in a group home, because I fit the "criteria" and that I would not be happy. After punching me my dad said "You gonna start hitting yourself and throwing a tantrum? I'll beat you to it!" and for about 10 seconds or so he beat his neck weakly against a wall, then complained about pain where he had surgery and said it was my fault. I told my parents I wasn't scared of my sister and her boyfriend and yelled really loud and dad said if her boyfriend attacked me I deserved it and would get my little ass "walloped" . Said I was being a huge brat about everything and just needed to go to my room.

This whole argument started because I wanted to go out to run and they said I couldn't because of low gas and I brought up how my sister and her bf use their car all the time, buy cigs and food.

Mom said there would be a "talk" in the morning.



samtoo
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30 Jun 2012, 1:30 pm

Right now I kind of enjoy crying... it feels poetic... it feels necessary. :( I'm a fragile soul.
I'm not sure where to put the number. I'll say 0 and see where I go from there, but I am struggling and I need human contact. I need a hug... I really do. Maybe I can channel the emotions into music and guitar practice.


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NeueZiel
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30 Jun 2012, 2:09 pm

-10

Had the mother of all melt downs, packed my bags and at around 7 am I walked all the way through the countryside to where the highway started and went all the way to my grandmother's retirement home. I packed a knife for protection. It was only 3.5 miles but I was terrified my parents or sister would drive up to catch me so I frequently ducked into bushes while hearing a car coming. It was almost fun.

I finally arrived at the nursing home and greeted grandma after she finished breakfast. We talked and I told her some things and we played several games of checkers then sat on the porch. She called my parents who apparently were never once aware that I "ran away". No one really cared very much at the house. Mom finally did come to pick me up, since grandmother refused to let me walk back home in the 107 degree weather. I talked angrily with mom and shared a lot of things that have come to fruition in my head, what I thought were paranoid dreams were reality. I cannot share them but the end for me is coming soon. My meds no longer help me, they use to cheer me up and make me happy but now I am still sad and they just make me less violent. Well I didn't take them today and am done.

Truth be told, I will not be posting here much longer I think. My end is coming and I'm finding peace with that. I keep my trusty knife close to me and have blocked up my door. I made several confessions to my mother after informing her of my intuition and am well aware that everyone will turn against me in the end. I came in preaching the truth to my sister, knife in hand, as I stepped into the threshold of our house and managed to scare off both her and the boyfriend. They are gone. For how long I can't say.

I am not going to kill myself, this is no suicide message, but I have seen my death and it is a fact. I will be destroyed but I will fight to the end with my weak, meek body. I may do no harm but I will fight and I will rend and tear all those who try to hurt me. I will be overwhelmed and killed however.

Goodbye everyone.



johnny77
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30 Jun 2012, 3:21 pm

-5 keeping my self very busy to distract my self.



LiendaBalla
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30 Jun 2012, 3:33 pm

2

Walmart sold us a 'brand new' book case with a corner broken on it. :roll: It's the flimsiest piece of furniture we have so far, and is going to get broken during another move for certain. There used to be a train here that stopped by to pick people up or load something into one of it's cars. Passengers don't ride a train into Piggott anymore, I see. Every train just rolls through blowing it's horns as it goes, and it's a very busy track. I guess it carries goods or something. I saw a big rig parked by one of the now unused tracks, loading something into it from one of the old rusty tanks. I wander what the heck that stuff was, because they seem to grow cotton, sow beans, and corn around here. It was kind of a brown yellowish, but I couldn't tell if it was powder or liquid or whatever. :duh:



Last edited by LiendaBalla on 30 Jun 2012, 3:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

LiendaBalla
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30 Jun 2012, 3:35 pm

I also think that the compass in my avatar is really dull and doesn't fit the meaning. I'm now looking for a better one. :?



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30 Jun 2012, 7:33 pm

+3...If I could say what I wanted to say, I would.


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johnny77
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30 Jun 2012, 9:41 pm

-8 getting late cant distract my self with work.



blue_bean
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01 Jul 2012, 8:05 am

-1. I can't help but get paranoid sometimes. But I know it's just that, paranoia.