scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-5, opiates sound good about now just so I can relax and forget about everything for a while. It's a shame I don't have any or know where to get any, or maybe it's a good thing since that's dangerous hard to say.

I borrowed this from outofplace, because this is exactly what I'm going through, too. I'm also currently at a 0 because of it. I can't help but feel like a failure for something I've f****d up, even though it's probably very, very good that I'm out of it (that my f**k-up put an end to the situation, definitively). I also can't stop thinking about all the variables, even ones I have no control over. Sigh. I'm 44, I should be long, long past this kind of destructive thinking. It basically paralyzed me all last weekend and I'm still feeling very lethargic and stuck and unhappy, though of course I have to hide it from everyone and go to work and take care of my children like normal.

+2, I was very dissapointed because there's a concert I want to see tonight and even though my dad said he would give me a bit of money he hasn't been able to yet and I was 11 dollars short.......then I remembered I have a credit card with credit on it, so since he was going to give me money in a couple days logically it makes sense to use my credit card on this occasion and just make sure to pay the bill on time.


Maybe tonight wont suck after all....hell might as well make it a celebration and get a pack of cigarettes to.

-4.7

Woke up not feeling as congested and thought I was getting better and everything -is- mostly alright, except I'm back to coughing a lot. It seems this flu goes in patterns, I think I'm getting better but can't stop coughing, then the following day I don't cough as much but feel really weak and sick. I hope today is the last legs of my sickness, I'm sick of being sick. I would be a -2 or -1 based off my condition alone but my sister just showed up now and immediately started asking me weird questions and I have this dreadful sense of foreboding, like something horrible is about to happen with shattering consequences for everybody. I'm hoping its just a mix of my sickness and the usual paranoia acting up.

Also have therapy tomorrow, couldn't go last month so this will be the first time since I got my diagnosis in May. Don't really know how to feel about it..

I really wish my sister wasn't here. Also nearly out of cough drops..which sucks.

-5 well that sucks....the concert was cash only so I couldn't use my credit card, but the band I wanted to see canceled anyways and I didn't really care about the others so meh. And I feel all nostalgic about the first time I dropped out of college.......it was like the best and worst time of my life and the now is just the worst time of my life.

Like 6-7. I got my Rhodiola Rosea root powder today, took a really tiny amount, then went hiking, and it took me about half the time to get through the same trail, and it was 80+ degrees out, whereas last time was like 50. I didn't even need to drink any water. So I feel pretty great regarding that. I also started making Dragonfruit leaf tea, so there's that. I don't know if Rhodiola would be totally wise to make into tea, as it's powder, but I'm gonna make Astragalus tea, it's been a long time since I've had Astragalus, so I wanna see how it is when I'm not just using it when I'm sick. Also, I've gotten back down weight wise to higher 180s it looks like, so soon I'll be at my goal of 175-180, and then I might have visible abs.

-10 Shouldn't be, on vacation less stress and noise. Cant use my left hand. Cant sleep and when I do I having nightmares or roll over on to my hands waking me up. Just so exhausted.

-10. I think today might well be the day.

-2 so, you yesterday I said 'maybe tonight wont suck.' and well it bloody sucked...

-3. I'm guessing by accountant guy's tight lips that he earns $10k a year more than me. It's either because he's a guy or his employer actually cares.

0 I am going to go to the mental health center...I called and they said they should have appointments or walk ins available today. So if I go down there again for no reason and the secretaries decide to be rude I am not going back, there is also the chance they wont be much help but I wont know if I don't try so off I go I guess.

-2
Mom drove me to "therapy" today, lasted about 15 minutes and thought I was going to get to talk for awhile like last time. Doubled my dosage of prozac and some other stuff, a little disapointed because the drive is so long and I was nervous/anxious about getting some attention. Oh well. Me and Mom didn't speak the entire hour to and fro', think she's made at me for getting her to take me because both her and dad are sick now.

Not as sick as I was yesterday, coughing a little bit but I will find out by tomorrow if my flu is gone for good or not.

-10 I am so f*****g mad...I freaking called the stupid mental health place.....they said I could come in for a walk in today, and guess what?

NO FREAKING WALK INs Availible..........so I guess I will call the stupid number they gave me and see what the hell is going on.

-10 bad week starting from sunday
incurred plenty loss of money and more

I hope things get better for all of you.

I finally have an appointment at the mental health place, hopefully that can help with diagnoses. I am kind of anxious about it though, if I am anxious about it tommorrow when I go in I am worried I will come off as worse off than I am...or something and end up being put in a psych ward or something and that might do more harm than good.

But then I do tend to worry about the worst things happening not necessarily what actually ends up happening. So hopefully it goes well and is helpful...I just hope this isn't a therapy only thing with no chance of being diagnosed or referred to someone who can do that.