Rants

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freaking out about pregnancy now. i mean i know the ecp messes with your menstrual period but how do i know the delay isn't pregnancy? it was supposed to come yesterday. i had pms and everything. and there was all that stuff over facebook about some people selling fake norlevo (ecp in lebanon) pills... and the hiv retroviral medication is making me feel sick and weak and tired but i have to take them because the alternative is an increased chance of getting hiv if i was exposed and i almost beat the s**t out of the chemist when he said they were out of the retroviral drugs and he wouldn't call the doctor but instead said the meds would come later in the day and gave me a blank look every time i complained and it was getting close to the end of the 72 hour period where i am supposed to start taking them and i am freaking out about stds too because random guy who had non consensual sex with me might have anything and he came inside me even though he lied about it. the white s**t wasn't mine and it was gross and he smelt like detol soap and now every time i smell it i can feel him touching me and the volunteer at helem said abortion was legal in cases of rape in this country but that doesn't mean i want to be pregnant to begin with. he said it would cost a little less than 1000 us dollars so i should start saving and he reassured me that reported hiv diagnosis in lebanon were 3000 out of the millions living here but i'm still worried about that and hepatitis and all those other stds. i can't get tested for a lot of those for months because the window period is really long. waiting is worse than the rape. not that that was nice. but it's worse. and i can't tell anybody. i'm lucky the lady i got the ecp from was supportive and i'm lucky there is a queer rights group here to help me and that they run a health clinic. i was stupid though for not putting their details on the phone before i left australia. i think i got the retroviral meds too late.

...

ended up having to tell my cousin and i got the expected slut shaming/victim blaming, racist, classist crap i expected. it wasn't directed at me but it still pissed me off. i'm glad i couldn't confirm nor deny the race of the man who did it. i don't get how he was being islamophobic in this case though- it happened in a christian area. even if you were racist that's a stretch. he was sexist towards me in a what are you doing walking around in broad daylight on a busy road by yourself kinda way. i had to tell him because i almost blacked out in the toilet and figured if this should happen in the presence of anybody there should be somebody who could tell doctors what i'm on. the drugs can't be mixed with a lot of things without it producing some kind of super hiv bug(paraphrasing the info paper.)heck, they shouldn't be mixed with each other unless they have to. and also i do not want people freaking over nothing. but he did say if i needed anything to call and now he's gotten over protective which is sweet. i swear he keeps asking if i've gotten my period, he checked my menstrual cycle and is attempting to track pms symptoms, he checked my blood pressure, keeps making me eat iron rich food to counteract drug side affects(the drugs are dangerous. if aids doesn't get me they will) and checked up on me before he left in the morning.

^ That's beyond horrible.

^^^ i've a knack for getting myself into fixes. (i don't think there are sad smile smilies) i'm trying to be positive because the volunteer from helem told me about the placebo effect which i think is stupid but it's better than not trying to not freak out. but still no period. not even pms. i want pms. that's funny. ok that's not funny but whatever. i can feel my cousin freak out every time i move. last night i tripped over shoe boxes and i heard him run for his bedroom door so he could listen to me walk to my bed in the dark and make sure i was ok.

I paid 154 godd#mn dollars for a f*cking book and now the godd#mn bookstore won't buy the book back. F*cking C&cksuckers.

Really upset and annoyed with my mother right now.

I hate Christmas. There I said it.

I want to punch my brother in the throat for spoiling Christmas for my mother.

There is a cockroach that won't die even when I've put half a can of bug spray in its general direction. I can't sleep with it rustling in here.

I don't do Christmas. My family has known this for the past decade. I moved home a year ago (just before Christmas) and now that I'm here, they expect me to be a part of their celebrations. I have no problem getting together and having dinner - but I am expected to also pitch in on family gifts and be there while they're doing all their Christmas crap.

DESPITE THEIR EXPECTATIONS OF ME... they do not communicate with me if I have questions. For example, my aunt is buying a tablet or e-reader for my sister. I asked her via Facebook what kind of thing she was getting as I was going to get a gift certificate to go along with it. My aunt didn't bother to respond to me as of yet (and yes, I know she's been online and has seen it - love that Facebook function).

PLUS... knowing full well that I have no interest in being a part of the Christmas part of things, they are complaining to me that I'm not going to be showing up early enough - when I've said from the beginning what time I'm going to show up and we all had plans to bring my dad his Christmas present (we all went in together on a snowblower for him) when I showed up. I'm just tired of the holidays already and CANNOT WAIT for them to be over.

I got used, once again, though at least i caught on before it was all the way to door mat stage. Time to take my energy back from these people. And change the locks.