Rants

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im done with this s**t. from now on its my way. the consequences will never be the same

I decided to come back, but I don't know for how long. The reason I left the first time is I made a statement and had a question and all I got from some of you is a debate without you not contributing a damn thing about your own experiences. Don't get me wrong, I think debates can be a good and helpful thing but in some of these threads debates rain supreme with no one contributing anything of your own. Most of the members, whether on the Autism Spectrum or NTs are great people. But it is always those few that spoils it for others.

Sometimes I wonder how much I subtle things I miss in social situations.

New Year's Eve is the only time I want to go out and party. But this year I'm on a business trip (sort of) so I think I'm gonna end up sitting in a hotel room alone sipping wine watching fireworks on tv...

Just let me rant here. Anyone who says s**t like ''stop moaning'' or ''grow up'' or ''move out then'' will be reported because I really can't be bothered with attacks here. If you don't like it then what are you doing on this thread?

Smokers
Always in and out the back door smoking, can never resist a cigarette, leaves doors open causing a cold draft through the house. Didn't know smoking had such a hold on so many people.

The general public
I had a bad hair day today, my umbrella broke, my hood wouldn't stay up because of strong winds we had today, and we also had rain (which I like), yet I am still expected to have my hair in perfect condition. My hair was just a little bit out of style because of the rough weather, and you wouldn't believe the amount of stares I got from different people! Don't the wind blow THEIR hair??? c***s.

Drinking
I am being criticised and ridiculed so much because I'm a youngster who doesn't drink alcohol. Why does drinking alcohol have such a hold on everyone, and why do people think it's so brilliant to get stupidly drunk, act like a stupid fool, and spend the next day in bed with a hangover? I'm sorry, that is just too much for me to comprehend.

People
People can't sit still. They're always in and out of the living-room, up and down to the toilet, in and out smoking, and some are lingering about waiting to go out to their sad drinking party but are taking ages to piss off because their friends haven't called yet. f*****g come on, I'm starving, but I am NOT going out into the kitchen to make myself some soup because each time you're in the kitchen, my mum peeps out to check what the sound of me cooking dinner was. Perhaps she thinks I'm a burglar or something, but I daren't go out there and be self-sufficiant because I'm scared I will scream at either my mum or my brother. I am in a bad mood as you can see, and nobody wants to mess with me when I'm in a bad mood (unless you are not aggravating me).

hoping this is coming to an end

My little nephew is being tested for a probable ASD. Already, his father and grandfather are yelling that he' s just spoiled and lazy, and nothing is wrong. God help that kid.

Sometimes I just don't know. Feel like my life is taking a new direction, a positive direction, then I go and sabotage it somehow. I all too often feel like a failure in most aspects of life. Academic failure, failure on the job market, failure in my social life, failure at managing my finances, failure at properly pursuing my own interests or hobbies. It just doesn't feel like it's heading anywhere. I'll be 26 in a month, so I'm steadily coursing toward the 30 mark and what have I got to show for myself?

A guy I lived with for a few months years and years ago found WP I suspected it was specifically to find me since he suddenly had added me on facebook around the same time(meems just HAPPENS to be the same name I used on a forum he used years ago as well, it's not impossible.) and once I blocked him on facebook he publicly asked me in one of my threads if I would add him on facebook.

He ended up getting my number prior to me adding him on facebook. After I blocked him on facebook(for the sheer number of messages and comments) I set his number to go straight to voicemail because he wouldn't stop calling me. Then he wouldn't stop texting me so I blocked him there too. I wanted to be on friendly terms but he felt entitled to 24/7 attention from me and I didn't have the time or patience to speak to him regularly. I wouldn't call what we had a functional relationship as he was constantly on drugs or in a violent rage seeking drugs.

His mental state has significantly diminished. Now that I have changed my number(he started calling me from different numbers) and set his emails to go straight to spam, he's PMing me on here. He's saying I hacked his email and talking about his mother coming after me. He's gotta be like thirty. I couldn't possibly have been the high point in his life. This is so sad and pathetic.

Honestly I quit talking to him entirely because one day(years ago) he left me several messages saying he would kill himself if I didn't contact him, and then a few days later his brother sent me a message saying he had run out into traffic and almost died. I'm worried he's going to start spamming the board and directing it at me and I'm going to be held responsible for it since I know him. Knew him, is more like it.

_________________
http://www.facebook.com/eidetic.onus
http://eidetic-onus.tumblr.com/
Warning, my tumblr is a man-free zone

you are the scum of the earth.

i miss my grandma. terribly.

i hate living here with nobody i love, no friends, i mean family-friends and close people. i don't want to make friends. that's too hard. people wear me out. they don't look into my eyes 'cause i don't make eye contact but if they did they would see it.
what i see. before...i used to look in the mirror at my eyes, close up, and get scared. i would see my brain. my soul. it was scary. now i try to do it...i try to scare myself. i don't see it anymore.

it's not there. my eyes are just floating in my face. wandering. not even heart-broken eyes anymore. just f*****g empty. oh, they're still pretty.

every girl wants to be called pretty and a muse and a siren and a vixen and this that and the other - i just want my soul back. i just want to be alone. i just want not to be alone. i want to sleep forever. that would be pretty.

every girl wants this attention and i am no exception but when it's there i just am tired of it. just tired of it. just tired of it. what do i want? i know what i want. hours. hours. hours.
everyone wants to be special. i just want to be cared for again. i want someone to just say, 'i know. i know.' - and not get tired of it, or want something for it. i want them to fix me. i want to be fixed.
i haven't been touched in so long and for a person like me it's impossible. i don't let family touch me. don't want it. but i would rather be beaten then left untouched. i don't want awkward hugs. i don't want that. don't want to be held by anyone unless it's my mama and she's not that type. i love my mom though. she is a good woman. goodnight.
i am scared.
i am sad. i am crying all the f*****g time and i don't know what to do. i didn't ever expect to cry this much. when i was a kid they said 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' - i said A CARTOON.

now i'm a f*****g cartoon! got my cartoon eyes on. big purple circles under them.
let me draw you a cartoon! LET ME DRAW YOU THOUSANDS OF THEM!
let me show you CARTOON LIFE -
CARTOON CARTOON CARTOON CARTOON CARTOON HAPPY FUN HAPPY FUN HAPPY NOT REAL f*****g CARTOON LIFE! ED EDD N EDDY! SPONGEBOB! DR SEUSS! POKEMON! I CAN TURN INTO A CAT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
going to bed now to dream the dreams of the damned
CARTOONS

Today, after waking up the owner of the place I am living in threatened to kick me again out. Since living here in hell for a year or two, she does this on a regular basis to scare me, vent her frustrations and yell at me. I don't see why I am a problem, I pay my rent on time, keep to myself, clean after myself and try to be as peaceful as possible. Since the beginning she has declared war on me. I have tried to understand her, I have tried to be polite. Nothing works, she simply hates me. So, today she has told me I have until the end of this month to move out, I have little money and the thought of moving far away scares me alot. I think she is serious this time. I have no choice but to fight, she has forced me into a corner like an animal. But why does this matter to me so much? The owner is my boyfriends mum and theres not much I can do about it. I've known her for almost five years and since knowing her, I know the term 'mother in law from hell" is true. I'm not going to be sad today, I'm going out.

I just became really frustrated and upset while trying to speak to somebody on the phone to the point where I became completely non-verbal and it was so f*****g frustrating I ended up crying. I am usually perfectly capable of expressing myself but sometimes I just have these moments when nothing comes out and I just stammer and babble and I know what I want to say but nothing happens and I get more and more frustrated and ARGH! f**k you autism. If you were a person I would punch you right now.

I hate it when people say they will do something when they don't intend to do it.
I hate it when someone is only ever friendly when they want something. And that someone else had to point out to me what was happening.
I hate it when people try to annoy me just because it amuses them to see me upset.

I hate it that no-one ever asks me if they can help me. But they expect me to give them my time and do stuff for them.
I hate it that people give advice because they don't want to give their time.
I'm tired of people who have never taken the time to get to know me telling me if only I tried to be more like them I'd be OK.

I hate it that some people say I have bad intentions when I don't do what they want me to do.
I hate it that the woman I speak to once a week can tell I'm depressed but no-one where I live gives any indication they have noticed.
I hate it that when I went to the Doctor to say I was feeling depressed he said "fill out this form and we'll get back to you". They never did.

Is it necessary for you people to be stomping up and down the steps repeatedly at three in the morning? The only morning I don' t have to wake up to an alarm? Barring a medical emergency, you guys suck.

Why do some people get so upset over the littlest s**t? Beats me....