Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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You're not a bad person. It was my fault as much as anything, one i wasn't careful enough with something i should have been treating as priceless and two I put a lot of pressure on you because you couldn't see something that was so obvious to me. I forget about the fact that i've spent a lot of time in my life trying to get in touch with my intuitions, trying to understand my instincts. It sounds silly but i think a lifetime of playing every variation of game i could find, puzzle games, strategy games, etc etc, has given me quite a developed ability to make decisions and know what i think. To expect that from you was just wrong.

I don't see why you would think that would make me hate you though. I don't subscribe to the hate someone that rejects you theory of getting over someone. My reasons for liking you were because i liked you as a person and that could never change. The only thing i regret is that through making my feelings known you'll never be able to go back to treating me the way you treat every other person you interact with in your day. I just want what everyone else gets without any suspicion of my motives, i still really like you as a person and always will :/

Dear M,

I knew your friend was going to be at an event I was volunteering at, so I practiced for a week preparing to see her. It was a good thing I did. I stopped crying after about 4 days of practicing. The morning was going wonderfully. I even spoke to her. I was so proud of myself. I didn’t cry at all.

Then you walked by.

I hadn’t seen you for 5 long months. Crying and thinking of you every day has become a habit unfortunately. My heart sank, and I felt panicky. I hadn’t practiced for this. You looked at me, but I wasn’t prepared to see you. I looked away, and cowardly hid behind a friend.

I caught little glimpses of you throughout the day while trying to act like it didn’t matter to me whether you were there or not. I saw you playing your violin with your friend, and even heard a little bit before I had to walk away. I saw you walking away from me with your friend, and her gently rubbing your back the way friends sometimes do. Why are we always walking away from each other? I saw you standing to the side, looking away with your hair down. Then I saw you talking to a group of people with your friend.

I did see you, M! I knew you were there! I wanted to run to you. Throw my arms around neck.
Bury my face in your chest, and feel your strong arms around me. Smell your long dark hair as it brushed against my face tickling my nose. I wanted to feel helpless as you pulled me in close, tilt my head back and passionately kiss me. But none of that happened. I didn’t even cry.

At least not until you walked passed me with your friend. Got in your car, and drove away. You didn’t even look at me as you walked by. Did you look back at me, and I didn’t see? I wouldn’t know. My eyes were full of tears, and I couldn’t see anything let alone you driving away.

I think I did too good a job of hiding the fact that I still love you. My heart stopped each time I looked at you. I’ve been crying pretty steady now for the last several days. It’s been wonderful for my sinuses, but my eyes are red and swollen, and I’m afraid I’m not hungry again. I guess I’ll lose another 20 pounds before I can get to the point where I was before. Is it going to take another 5 months? I know I’ll see you before then. Hopefully I won’t see you with someone else. I’m afraid that would kill me.

I still keep second guessing my decision of breaking up with you. Did I see things wrong? Our mutual friends have been telling me that you aren’t the right guy for me. Another friend even called you a man-whore since you have so many women. Do you have a lot of women? It looked like you did. That’s why I left. I had to protect my heart. I didn’t know that not being with you would break it into so many small pieces it would be difficult to put back together. I’ve always hated puzzles.

I told myself I wouldn’t write any more sad songs about you. So I’m writing this instead. You’ll never read it, but I had to write it for myself. I’ll put it away somewhere and find it hopefully when I’m over you. If not, I guess I just cry some more.

I do love you, M. I don’t know why, but I do. But then again, I do know why. But at this point it doesn’t matter. Does it? Just remember I did see you. It did hurt, and still does.

I miss you so much! L

PS: I can't believe I saw you 6 days later, but you were with someone else. I sat in my car as you walked by with her and watched you both walk away and disappear down the street. I turned the other way so I couldn't see you with her again.
I was numb driving home.

I don't know if this is to myself or to someone else or something else,

All I need to say is I must get through tomorrow morning,get through the seminar without stumbling over my words like loose paving stones, without shaking without attracting everyones elses fear that makes the atmosphere tense. I have to be bright, confident and knowledgable and smile, I need to be the person I know I can be and not let my fear get in the way of doing my best.

I know I write as though I am going to a battle and in some ways it is a battle against fear and comfort, the comfort of not pushing myself of letting others be proven right instead of me. I might be deluded but I feel that this is my chance to prove to myself I can do this, there will never be a better chance for this after this it will count for too much in academic or professional terms and the people will be less familar less kind less accustomed.


I need to be able to do this on so many levels.

To my friends,
please don't sell you're panic everyonehas their own
Me

Dear certain someone,

...

Who made you God

Dear 15 year old me,

What your dad said to you about your abilities was false. You can do most of the things that other people can do. Reach for the stars and listen to The Beatles. You'd better start planning your future. This is your chance to make a future career for yourself.

Dear 23 year old me,

You should tell the optometrist the truth about your eyesight so that you don't end up wearing glasses that you don't need. Your mum told you the truth about yourself. You are very much like Mick Avory and it would be very stupid of you to hide that behind a pair of horn-rimmed glasses if you don't need glasses. So you want to prove to everybody how smart you are. Instead of feeling bitter that your coworkers and family treat you like you're less than human, why don't you wow them with your knowledge, instead of hiding your beautiful aspie face behind glasses that you're never going to need. You look like Mick Avory and you have the innocent personality to match. Don't spoil it with unneeded glasses and a forced sex drive.

CockneyRebel

It's not just about you. I'm having difficulties too. I can't trust people but i trusted you. That was damn hard. At no point has this been easy and seeing you around people just makes it harder, the flirting is unbearable. I'm not over the top jealous but i think it exists in everyone in the right circumstances, you wont even speak to me yet you flirt with every male you bump into, that would bring it out in anyone. I don't know anything, im completely in the dark, i dont know the full story in a lot of situations and those situations look pretty bad at times, without explanation those bad feelings are just keep building up. I don't want to be that person , i dont like feeling negative emotions, i'll do what i need to do to protect myself. I can't help feeling that my best option is to just distance myself and forget about it, i don't think you really understand what this is doing to me and that in itself is probably a red flag, im a real person you know? I don't think it's fair to make me feel like an outsider and its really bringing me down.

you/you two,
stop referring to me! i don't do it to you no matter what you think. apart from now:/. but i haven't before and wont again. you're seeing things that arent there. it's worrying and it's not good for you. i don't understand it and it's kinda scary tbh. i swear i'm a dick- you aren't missing out on anything.
take care of yourself,
me

Dear You,

Yes, I've been checking you out, especially when you wear those jeans - you know the ones I'm talking about - and that clingy v-neck sweater. The high heels are a nice touch, too.

I'll be home soon. Supper's on me!



Fnord

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gO7uemm6Yo[/youtube]

Dear Humans,

I wish i could begin to put to words the pain and misery you have caused me. My life has consisted of a constant effort on my part to belong somewhere. I examine, i learn, i mimic. I give away all my things, I even gave you my virginity hoping that would make at least one person like me.

It was all for naught.

Even my "friends" tease me, shut me out and ignore me. of the two i have that is.

I am alone. I do not want to be. Most of the time, it does not bother me.
But once in a while, i feel it. i remember. I feel broken, like a failure of a woman.

You say you treasure the unique. You say "just be yourself!" except you don't really mean that. You only want people to "be themselves" if they fit in.

Where is your tolerance?

And you say I'm unempathetic.

In this world, where only the normal survive and the "special" suffer, where do I fit?

I don't. That's where.
You won't let me; in spite of my best efforts.

And how can I give up? Please, I really want to know..
How can i give up this chase for normalicy and just accept myself, regaurdless of what you think of me?


"I cut to the punch line, Baby,
Can we pretend im Amazing...?
Instead of what we both know...
instead of what we
Both know..."

Forever Forgotten,
Winter

Hey you,

Thank you for renewing my faith in people, well the people in our class really, deciding once you had seen I was the only person in the room to come over and talk to me even though your friend was there was fantastic, beats the standard of coming into the room seeing me and promptly turning round and leaving, thank you, thank you, thank you, you made me stop feeling invisible and insignificant for once. You really are one of the nicest people I know.



Me

Dear Colin,

Theres no point me being nice about this but... please just get a girlfriend already and leave me alone ! Yes we went out, yes it was ok while it lasted but it didnt work for a variety of reasons - which are still valid, and theres even more now.

Look, once Im over someone, I'm over them there is no going back. I don't even find you attractive anymore and wonder what we could talk about, people change colin. Ive changed a heck of a lot since 2009 it was 2 years ago.

And anyway you broke up with me.
Please please just leave me alone and find someone else. I don;t want to hurt you if I *fingers crossed optimistically hopefully* end up dating someone else.

Please just stop this.

Not yours now,

Me

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you're depressed and floundering in life- I've been there.
I'm sorry you judge yourself based on your ability to have sex.
I'm sorry you don't think of women as humans.
I'm sorry you, in a more broad context, don't think of other people of any kind as individuals, merely "extensions of" yourself. (Your words.)
I'm sorry me talking about my relationship makes you jealous.
I'm sorry you have such a persecution complex that you believe I do that to be hurtful.
I'm sorry you were so oblivious, after weeks and weeks of me talking about my health problems almost daily, as to ask me why I had a scary incident yesterday.
I'm sorry you were so oblivious, after weeks and weeks of me talking about a specific condition almost daily, as to ask me the reason I was having *treatment* for it.
I'm sorry you were so oblivious, after weeks and weeks of my talking about having Aspergers and how Autism affects me almost daily, as to not know that ASPERGERS IS AUTISM.
I'm sorry you feel compelled to declare me oblivious, although if you were referring to your own turbulent mental states, you were absolutely correct.
I'm sorry you have no empathy for people- truly, none, to the point of turning people away and laughing at them when they come to you for help.
I'm sorry you "think it's BS to date a woman who wouldn't be with you if it weren't for your money", yet think nothing of dating women because they look a certain way.
On that note,
I'm sorry you're ignorant of the hilarity of constantly mourning not having someone, whilst you turn down multiple women because you don't like the way they look.
I'm sorry you think "I'm a know it all" or "think I'm better" because I don't preface all my opinions with "in my opinion".
I'm sorry you're oblivious to how you, yourself, come off to others, as can be discerned in your very own descriptions of events.
I'm sorry you think me "callous" because my ethics are not yours.
I'm sorry you feel compelled to jut out your widdle chin and say "I never said it was rational" when you're cornered in an argument.

Above all, I'm tired of talking to you up and down about my life, only to have the next time I mention something about it be interrupted with some variation of "Huh, herp derp". It makes me feel ignored, and, quite frankly, like I'm conversing with an idiot.