Rants

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Why do some people get so upset over the littlest s**t? Beats me....

I am getting so anxious that I cannot even communicate with my parents without my speech slurring, my heart racing, and my hands flapping in frustration.
I am getting so depressed that I find it increasingly difficult to convince myself that I have any real value.
I am getting so sensitive and so overwhelmed that something as simple as the air conditioning unit or playing cards being placed on a desk is torturous.
I am either seen as so intelligent that communication is futile or so ignorant that communication is futile.
I am constantly plagued by spontaneous negative thoughts that I continuously have to battle.
I am wearing thin.
I am breaking. Perhaps I am already broken.
But I am not disabled; I still go to school, I still partake in some extra-curricular activities, still function, still manage to do most of what is asked of me; in most respects, I am happy and healthy. My life is exceptionally wonderful; in retrospect of the scope of human tragedy, I have nothing to complain about.
I am not disabled, I am not unfortunate, and I am likely not even ill.
So why do I feel like I am so close to breaking point?
Why do I see so much grey when I live in a world full of rainbows and roses and sunshine and smiles?
Logic and my previous research would tell me that I likely need help, perhaps more help than the therapy I am currently receiving.
I could never ask for this help, though, for I am not disabled, and so many, too many, disabled persons suffer without the support they need. I am not about to drain an already impoverished system when I know that so many others are in such a greater need of assistance than I.
I suppose all I real need is tangible, undeniable evidence that my existence is doing some good unto the world.
I just hope that I can last that long.

I feel stupid, completely irrational, and completely depressed. Just drifting and cut loose from any anchor. I feel like no one really understands, or even gives a crap. I know it' s not true, and then I feel like garbage for thinking that way. This is the only place I can even mention it, for a myriad of reasons. I'll feel better in a minute, but right now my chest is trying to rip open.

youtube is being eaten up and redefined by marketers.

i was annoyed enough when there were 30 second ads that i could "skip in 5 seconds" before watching what i wanted to watch, but today i encountered quite a few non skippable ads that went for 1 minute and 30 seconds
before i could watch what i wanted.

in my case, i see it as so obtrusive that i mentally detest whatever product that delays my viewing of a clip i wanted to watch. it makes me very resistant to ever considering purchasing whatever impedes my freedom of browsing youtube.

soon i suspect there will be talent ratings of youtube uploads, so that people who upload generally uninteresting things like i do will be unable to do so because no company will want to "sponsor" (i.e hijack) my clips, because they will not be conducive to revenue for marketers.

i hate marketing. they are like spruikers that grab me by the neck and force me into their shop to look at things i am not interested in as i walk along my favorite street.

Horrible lecture today. I wasn't in the usual lecture theatre because they picked a few people from everywhere in school to attend it. I sat pretty much alone and a little pissed because I really didn't want to have class so late in the day. It was also the first time I had to attend this lecture because my last tutor would help me one-on-one instead. Anyway, the others were very, very noisy and the lecturer refused to use a mic. I had a sensory overload and just started crying. Stupid humans. Stupid, stupid, stupid humans.

Just getting this out of my system, so I can stop yelling at you in my head and move on.
What the f*ck, man I'm tired of the double standards here. You want to compartmentalize everything, that's find and dandy but you sure as hell better practice what you preach. You don't get to dictate to me how and the manner in which I take care of my own business. You are not the peanut gallery. Not everything is about you. This feels like passive aggressive dishonest bullsh*t because if you have an issue with me you know where the hell I am. If it's resolved, fine and dandy but you don't get to buddy buddy me one day and blow me off the next. I don't even understand why you say anything to me sometimes, because we always seem to agree to disagree. I wanted to leave on a high note, because I can somewhat understand why you handle things your way. But after I just tripped over what I did, I'm not real thrilled right now.
Everyone needs a hand sometimes, and should be welcome to it. I don't like seeing the world a hostile place. But you don't make the rules for anywhere or anyone but yourself.

I keep thinking, if I killed myself... what would happen with the trial? Would he ever see the inside of a prison cell? Then I realize putting someone in prison is a horrible reason to be alive.

The only good reason I have to be alive is that I can't ensure my dog would be well taken care of... she has a lot of specific needs. People have told me I should just have her put down because she costs so much and requires so much time and attention. But she's the best emotional support I've ever had in my entire life and she alerts me when I am going to have a seizure and I really love her and I'm grateful we happened upon one another. By ending my life I might be ending hers as well.

And I still can't want to keep living but I can be sure to try.

_________________
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i had an absolutely disastrous day (and it is about to get worse i suspect because my keyboard batteries are almost flat (i had to roll them around in their sockets a minute ago to continue typing (it is too late in the night to get more batteries))). i suspect the keyboard will die during my typing of this post!

i do not like going to my letterbox because i usually get bad news (bills and fines etc) from it.
i got all my letters out of it on friday last week. i got a bill for the electricity ($440) and my gas ($279) and my internet/phone/foxtel ($263) and my water ($315) and my council rates ($2350). yee-haa! what a friendly letterbox i have (it looks like a monster to me). i payed those bills over the weekend, and on monday and tuesday, i decided to have a holiday from visiting my letterbox.

yesterday (wednessday), i retrieved the letters from my letter box, and there was a letter that informed me that my drivers license and registration would be suspended from today if i did not pay 2 parking fines that were incurred by a driver of my truck that i loaned to a company (my truck is not used for my business any more) in august last year. i gave the driver the fine notifications, and he obviously did not pay them, and so i was forced to pay $674 to prevent my drivers license and registration from being suspended.

i payed by b-pay and i was advised in the letter that i should contact the "roads and maritime services" to confirm that they had received the payment before driving my car.

so today i woke up and i was very hungry and thirsty, and i wanted eggs and bread and milk to make my breakfast, but before i could drive to the shop to buy them, i had to contact the "roads and maritime services" to ensure that i was allowed to drive.

my landline phone is cordless, and i forgot to put it in it's recharge cradle the night before. i rang "roads and maritime services", and i was put in a queue!! !! the charge in my phone was almost empty and i listened to both the advertising blurb (as i waited in the "queue") , and the beep-beeps that my phone was emanating warning me that the phone was almost out of charge. it was nerve wracking! time went by and my phone went dead!! ! pow! what a disappointment.

then i used my mobile phone to ring them up again, and i had $30 of credit on it, and my credit ran out before a human operator answered.

so the only way i could ring them again was if i went to the local service station to get a credit recharge card for my mobile phone (my landline cordless phone takes hours to charge up to the point where i can make even a 5 minute call), but i could not drive there because i did not know if my license was still active, and all the police cars in australia automatically read every number plate they pass, so there was no way i was going to take the risk of driving until i could verify that the payment was received, and the impending suspension of my license (from today) was lifted!! !!.


therefore, i went hungry and thirsty until 5pm (when my landline phone had enough charge to last 30 minutes in the queue) ! !! !!.

i hate tap water. it tastes like nothing and i reluctantly had to drink it because i felt very thirsty.

it is bureaucratic hell to be a human and to move in their society.

the only good thing about today is that my keyboard batteries lasted long enough for me to type out why so many bad things happened today.

i had a shiite day. i went to see the doctor this morning because my period is 13 or so days late and i had sti symptoms. the symptoms have faded and my period still hasn't come and the doctor was next to useless. that's not what made me so bitterly depressed. i told the doctor that one of my sexual experiences was rape because describing them as a sexual partner or casual liaison is wrong and he asked why i hadn't dobbed the guy in. i had many reasons for not doing so, family rejection, legal system biased against me, no info on the guy, the police themselves are likely to be against me but my other reason was that i felt sorry for the guy. he was so pathetic. if rape is a crime of power then i think i understand how somebody in his situation got to thinking that no is an inadequate answer. he needs help. i don't think he is malicious at heart or sadistic, i think he just needs to be educated. and i do not think he was lebanese also and if he was syrian like i think he was then the police, if they thought rape was wrong, would judge him as an ethnic minority, not as somebody who has wronged me. it wouldn't have brought me or him justice. but the doctor just yelled at me and was all like what if he rapes my mother next, what about my sister, what about the receptionist, etc and blamed me for things that hadn't happened and for my decisions and i got so sh***y.
rant was interrupted but i just wanted to say that i ended locking myself in the toilet at the queer centre here and crying for 40 minutes. then i went to the guy i guess could be called a f#ck buddy and crying all over him and he just got really worried and i wouldn't say what happened. he's a decent guy. he spoon fed me to make me feel better. my friends at the centre noticed something was wrong and got sad. i feel a little guilty because i'm supposed to be supporting one of them not worrying her. she's depressed.

i don't wish to talk to you about the innerworkings of my mind anymore. any of you.
i would love to stop talking. and just write.
i know i've lost my mind. you aren't going to find it, though.
i might stop talking soon.

i had an appointment today with a doctor so she could take a swab to test for chlamydia and gonorrhea but i can't go. i'm in jbeil, not beirut where the clinic is and also my budget has changed and i am not sure i can afford it anymore. the test is $80 and i think this is on top of the doctors fee which is either 10000 or 20000 lira. i don't know if these services are bulk billed in Australia and if they aren't i probably will not be able to afford them at all. i just want to know what's wrong with my vagina. is basic health care too much to ask for?

Argh, I'd like to spend more time on WP, but I have sooo much work to do >.<