Rants

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the world took a turn for the worse today.

i have taken vitamin D tablets for years (due to my disinterest in exposing myself to sunlight), and i was an expert in extracting them from the little bottle.

today, i bought a new bottle of vitamin D tablets, and, to my horror, they have redesigned the bottle !
the bottle used to be a simple little container where i screwed the lid off with my thumb and middle finger of one hand and slid a tablet out of the bottle with my index finger of the same hand. i needed to use only one hand to perform the entire action.

i always take those tablets while drinking a carton of either chocolate or coffee flavoured milk .
i become anxious when i take the 600ml carton of milk out of the fridge because i am painfully aware that the temperature of the milk starts to rise as soon as it is taken out of the fridge.

in the past, i used to take the carton of milk out of the fridge and open the spout and hold it in one hand while i screwed the lid off the vitamin D plastic container bottle and slid a tablet out over the smoothly contoured inner surface of the bottle with my index finger into my palm.

today, the bottle had a "flip top" lid with a small hole in it that i can not fit my finger through, and the sides of the bottle are no longer contoured, so i can no longer drag a tablet out of the bottle with one finger even if i could get my finger inside the bottle.

i discovered this fact after i had opened the carton of milk, and i could not think of a quick way to resolve the quandary.

there i was with the carton of milk in my left hand (rapidly heating it up), while fumbling with my right hand in an unsuccessful attempt to retrieve a tablet from the bottle!! !
i had to put the carton of milk down and use 2 hands to get the tablet (one to hold the bottle and shake it so that a tablet fell out of the small hole in the top, and the other hand to catch the tablet in my palm).

3 tablets fell in to my palm!! ! i had to try to "funnel/pour" 2 of the three tablets back into the bottle from my palm, but when i attempted that, all 3 tablets fell back into the bottle.

i was becoming panicked, and i again shook the bottle and this time 4 tablets fell into my palm, and i placed them on the table and studiously picked up 3 of the tablets (one by one) and returned them to the bottle.

then i picked up the milk carton again and went to drink the milk after i popped the tablet in my mouth, but i started to gag because i could not help thinking that the temperature of the milk had risen substantially during the time it took me to sort out the emergency!!

in future, i will have to extract my tablet before i get the milk out of the fridge. it just seems so wrong.

i have so much to rant about. its eating me up. but i cant, i dont feel safe telling anyone let alone saying it somewhere that im followed.
yes that means you

I guess this is the best place to vent...
I'm just so frustrated and I need to get it out. I'm so tired of being in pain, so tired of being forced to constantly work, never have a break, and hardly sleep. Having small children is very difficult for me since I'm in so much pain. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
I hate writing it, it sounds so stupid and selfish. But I'm screaming inside my head, screaming and yelling and crying, begging, pleading to be heard but I can't tell anyone. I can't bring them down. I'm so sick of being silent, so sick of never having a break. I get so mad and frustrated with my husband because he does get breaks even though he works 12 hr days. He gets more sleep than me, he doesn't have to worry about a lot of the stuff that goes on around the house.
This pain is killing me. I want to bash my head through the wall, or violently stab myself multiple times until it stops hurting. I cannot kill myself, although the thoughts are there. I've tried, it's impossible. I just can't do it. And now that I have children, I cannot leave them. I will do anything for them. I'm just so tired of feeling alone, despite being surrounded...
my pain killers aren't even working anymore... sometimes the pain gets so bad I can't move, I just lay on the floor crying while my oldest crawls on me, not understanding. I want to break things... but everything is internalized, nothing can get out anymore. No one can see my pain, no one knows the torture in my mind. Many times I end up deleting posts like this before anyone can respond. I hate bringing other people down. I need to be stronger, I need to be able to handle this myself. I was always told no one likes to be around negative people... always told to suck it up, it could be worse. Sometimes I think no one took me seriously even when I attempted suicide... I hate being laughed at, it makes me so angry.
I feel so trapped inside my own body. My body hates me.

Frustrated, because being involved in anything "fun" with NTs always tends to take a ridiculous amount of effort with very few results. I can't even find a worker for next week and I know it's going to be miserable without support. I am helping out with the event, so I want to be a help, but it's also unfair to burden other people with myself, because they owe me nothing really.

i really need to talk to somebody but talking to people is what the problem is. if i didn't talk to people i would only have half a problem because then they couldn't say things. so guilty. maybe my comrade would get it but i don't really want to tell her about it. i could tell my friend from helem. he's helped me before but i don't think he'd get it and i don't want to risk loosing his friendship because it means something to me. maybe my sexual partner but i don't know which way that would go and i don't know if i can express what i want to say in arabic. he can't talk english and the purpose of our relationship isn't counselling sessions.

my rant is that the previous posts in this thread stop me from positing my trivial rants.


eating lollies in my car when it is dark outside is very stressful to me (i could not see their colors), but other people's complaints
are so much more imprtant than the simple things i take umbrage to.

i am going to go to my preheated bed now. other people can be saddled with the obligation to love, but i only love not much, but i do love some things, i hate talking about love.

Today I was waiting for the bus to come back home.
I was daydreaming, and very distracted. I took the wrong bus. It brought me to a place a bit far away from my house. There weren't other buses I could take to go home nearby, so I had to do all the way back home on foot.
I hated it. I'll be more careful next time.

i wasted $3.50!!

i went to the pie shop in leura, and i got a plain meat pie (i do not like gourmet types of pies) and a custard tart (the same size as the pie(which is roughly the same size (footprint wise) as a saucer for a teacup)) and an apple turnover with cream and a 600ml chocolate milk (oak).

the pie was delicious, but i have to wait for at least 15 minutes to eat the next course (the custard tart) because i can not embark upon a new taste scheme until my mouth is free of all remnants of the previous taste scheme (in this case, the meat pie).

i ate the custard tart (i spooned the custard out of it but i did not eat the biscuit shell).

by this time i was full, and i felt like drinking the chocolate milk to close my meal off, but there was the problem of the uneaten apple turnover with cream to deal with.

i could not put it in the fridge to eat the next day because puff pastry that has been chilled loses all its flakiness and becomes doughy, and i obviously could not leave it on the counter and eat it the next day because i would gag at the thought of the colonies of bacteria swimming through the cream, so i had to throw it away.

I seem to have lost my pause and think button recently. Me on autopilot is not a good thing. I think it's time to gather my scatter and rest a bit...

I had a rant and now I feel better since the weather is much better. It is sunny today and I went for a nice walk.

(warning, angsty song lyrics incoming)
"I shut my eyes and once again the pleasure shackles me
I taste the tears of sweet indulgence, pain, and fantasy
Oh the visions inside my head, the emptiness will haunt you.

Sanity is slowly slipping from my hands now
I'm standing closer to the edge then I should be allowed
Oh what little regret I have, does that make me a killer?"
How I feel about my mental state whenever I get depressed.

My first day at the warehouse in a volunteer job... and the boss is a prick. After 3.5h straight of dirty labour I just had to stop, get a drink of water from the fountain and stretch my aching back. He gives me a steely glare and says, "You lost? You need something to do? Get back to work." After six hours of dirty, sore hands, his words made me seriously reconsider going back.

I'M A FREAKIN' VOLUNTEER, not one of your wage slaves!!

6 hours to go for a group report. We did not even meet.

...except for 2 people, no one seems to care.

F************************! I really can only hope for a miracle now.

AAAAAHHHH!!

That's it! I think I'll just have to do this all on my own!

I don't care if I fail.

I JUST WANT TO SCREEEEEEAAAAM!! !

HOLY S**T I feel so useless.... So much to do and I have one hour left. I just want to scream.

Sometimes I am feeling bad about things and often realize I am own worst enemy.