I guess this is the best place to vent...
I'm just so frustrated and I need to get it out. I'm so tired of being in pain, so tired of being forced to constantly work, never have a break, and hardly sleep. Having small children is very difficult for me since I'm in so much pain. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
I hate writing it, it sounds so stupid and selfish. But I'm screaming inside my head, screaming and yelling and crying, begging, pleading to be heard but I can't tell anyone. I can't bring them down. I'm so sick of being silent, so sick of never having a break. I get so mad and frustrated with my husband because he does get breaks even though he works 12 hr days. He gets more sleep than me, he doesn't have to worry about a lot of the stuff that goes on around the house.
This pain is killing me. I want to bash my head through the wall, or violently stab myself multiple times until it stops hurting. I cannot kill myself, although the thoughts are there. I've tried, it's impossible. I just can't do it. And now that I have children, I cannot leave them. I will do anything for them. I'm just so tired of feeling alone, despite being surrounded...
my pain killers aren't even working anymore... sometimes the pain gets so bad I can't move, I just lay on the floor crying while my oldest crawls on me, not understanding. I want to break things... but everything is internalized, nothing can get out anymore. No one can see my pain, no one knows the torture in my mind. Many times I end up deleting posts like this before anyone can respond. I hate bringing other people down. I need to be stronger, I need to be able to handle this myself. I was always told no one likes to be around negative people... always told to suck it up, it could be worse. Sometimes I think no one took me seriously even when I attempted suicide... I hate being laughed at, it makes me so angry.
I feel so trapped inside my own body. My body hates me.
_________________
Your Aspie score: 171 of 200
Your Neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 40 of 200