Rants

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I hate my OCD traits. I have some aspie friends who don't have these traits and life seems much easier for them, because they don't get bogged down in stress. My mind often ruminates for hours without me being able to stop it. I used to get therapy for this and it did help me, but then I had to stop because the therapist went on maternity leave. On Wednesday, I had my ASL test and there was one part where my mind got rigidly stuck on one scenario and I completely neglected other possibilities. I knew perfectly well that other possibilities were there, but I was going over the time that is was supposed to take me to write the test and was anxious because I was trying to finish it as quickly as possible. Also, my mind got overloaded after spending so much time concentrating. As a result, the test did not end up testing my true knowledge and ability. In a real-life situation, I would have used this ASL structure properly in multiple different ways as they arose, but I got stuck on only one way while writing the test, making my answer on one (or potentially two) questions partially incorrect. I hate anxiety, and school brings it out in me to the max because it forces me to constantly push myself to study, study, study no matter what, and to do everything as quickly as possible because there is always more work piling in and I need to keep on top of it. This makes me very anxious and stressed, and drains all my energy. My grades are of utmost importance to me. I think they would be so much better without the anxiety, but I have a lot of difficulty controlling it, even though I often am aware of the fact that it's irrational, like I am aware now that getting stuck on these two questions is irrational because the test is done and it's only a small portion of the test. But the truth is that I can't sleep and now I'm wasting my time thinking about this, which takes away the time I could have spent working on other things.

f**k my relationship. I'm going to end it. He shows me no passion whatsoever. Absolutely none. Even when we had sex, it's like he wasn't really there. I can't live like this for the rest of my life.

Now that I'm coming out of my depression, I find the fact that everything has been stale of over a year impossible to ignore.

i feel down a lot. i'm starting to cut myself off from people too. i never want to socialise at the best of times but it's so much more than that now. i don't want to talk to anybody(except a few of my friends because they make me feel better or distract me). nothing i do makes me happy, including stuff that did. i cry everyday, in the most embarrassing places. like on transport or at stalls or whilst walking to class. i wanted to talk to somebody, i want to tell my friends but they all have their own problems so i will not. i tried seeing a councellor who said go see a shrink so i tried booking an appointment through uni but instead of booking me in with a councellor or shrink they put me in with a gp so when i went thats who i got stuck with and all she could do was write me a referal to see a random person. i'm sick of all this running around. i don't want to talk about it anymore. i don't want to talk to people. i called the kids helpline about it. they were helpful but they recommended face to face councelling too. it's funny. i didn't think i'd ever call them. i mean i've had their number memorised since i was little but i figured adulthood would not be when i called. i want to sleep in my friends lap or with my bear and my friends jacket which i have. i want to sleep.

you would think this place has consistency. you would think people wouldn't lie as often. you would think you would find some compassion. you would think people weren't two-faced, reinventing themselves all the time. new user names popping up all the time. How many temp users does this place have. You would think by being nice, you would make a friend, instead you are reported for harassment. Is there a purpose on here? Beginning to think there is none. Am I where I was? well right now it does feel like it.

the only conclusion I can make is that I must be a horrible person. seeing patterns makes false assumptions, I'm the bad guy.

That moment when you see that old fling from high school and wonder what the hell your 16 year old mind was thinking. That happened to me today, and it's not fun. I can laugh a bit about it because I was a very dumb 16 year old girl, and it really shows a just a year and a half can completely change you.

I feel so stuck lately. It feels overwhelming to gather myself enough to be productive, and functional. The things I should be doing, which I know I'd feel better for doing, seem to slide out of my mind and I forget to do them. I just need a few days where I'm not in panic mode, where my schedule isn't upended, and where unexpected obligations stop popping up on me. Maybe I just need to get outside more, but there's always people running to and fro. I need to find a way to recharge my batteries, but I'm too tired for brainstorming tonight. I feel guilty for it, which makes it hang heavier on my bones. Maybe I just need a good night's sleep. I might steal my son's teddy bear...

why is finding a f*****g shrink so f*****g hard?! i swear i've been trying to contact one for weeks and it's stressing me a lot and something always goes wrong and i get told to call a whole bunch of different numbers who tell me to call other numbers or i get misbooked or i get told to get phone councelling and the phone councellors tell me to get face to face councelling or my phone dies when i'm just about to be answered or their phone is malfunctioing or my phone is malfunctioning and i live in the middle of nowhere and there are no services near me and i get nowhere. i just wanted to talk to somebody. like why is that so effing hard? what's the point anymore? i have nobody. i just called royal prince alfred and they told me to call back later. again.

today at the bakery (where i went to purchase a sausage roll), a bag of hot cross buns caught my eye, and i instantly developed an appetite for them, so i decided to select a bag to purchase. i was comparing each bag of hot cross buns to each other and i could not decide which was the best bag. they all looked the same to me and i found it hard to decide which one to buy. after a few minutes of placing various bags of hot cross buns next to each other to eliminate the less desirable bags, i was about to give up because no bag was any better looking than another.

then the woman behind the counter suggested that i choose the bag of buns that i was currently looking at, but i was not quite finished comparing the bags and she became disgruntled and said "you can't stay in here all day pawing over them" and i then selected the current bag that i was inspecting and bought it.

there was 6 buns in each bag, and each bag cost $6.60 ($1.10 per bun).

when i got home, i was eager to eat some, but i found out i had no butter left!! so off i went to the supermarket to get some butter (what a hassle) and when i got to the supermarket, i was disappointed to find that the brand of butter i always buy was not in stock, and so i drove another 11 km to another larger supermarket (coles) and even they had none in stock. i said to the shelf packer who informed me of the fact they had none left "well i have been everywhere looking for it! it seems like i could travel to damned neptune and still not find any". he was not interested at all and he said "heh" (the bastard).

anyway, i bought a different brand of butter under sufferance, and i got home and toasted 2 of my buns (cut perfectly in half (laterally (so that their surfaces were equidistant from the grill element ( to facilitate equal browning of the upper and lower halves of the buns (because i can not tolerate variations in brownness ))))) under the grille in my stove, and when they were ready and i pulled out the rack, i realized that i had forgot to prepare a plastic plate (with a hand towel on it to absorb the steam from the freshly toasted buns). that was not much of a problem until i found out i had run out of plates!! !

"ok" i thought and i took a few slow calming breaths before i thought "those 2 buns are wasted, but it is not the end of the world"
so i was about to set off to the supermarket yet again after switching the oven off to purchase another 50 plastic plate pack, but i was dismayed at my stupidity of not realizing i did not have everything i needed to get the hot cross buns happening to completion, so i thought hard about whether there could be any more hitches that would impede my next attempt at cooking 2 more.

it struck me that i may have no more cup cake paper containers (empty little paper cup cake containers that i have so i can place a 1 cm thick slice of butter on one of them before thawing the butter in the microwave oven on 10% power for 12 seconds before inverting the slice of butter and recooking at 10% for another 12 seconds). i checked and i found i indeed had no more "patty pans" (as they are called in australia) because i used the last one in the last attempt at cooking the buns.

i was happy that i had covered all bases and i went and got the plates and the patty pans


and i was fully armed to complete the arduous series of steps i needed to perform to finally delight in some hot cross buns.

i thawed the butter and i toasted the buns, and to my extreme disappointment, they were tasteless and crude!! !

all they had in them was a few raisins. they did not have black currants or red currants or those yellow fruity bits (i do not know what they are but they are required), and the buns did not have the cinnamon and other spicy tastes that i am used to, and i was disgusted.

i told tammy about them and she said she got a bag of 6 hot cross buns from woolworths for $3,00 and they were packed with fruit and spice!! !

the real moral of this rant is that my day was ruined and i spent so much energy on what most people would consider a trivial thing.
most people are not obsessed by the "microscopic" aspects of their day like i am. i spent much energy and petrol, and i was exasperated to an extreme degree about something that would be considered a trifling matter by almost everyone else.

i wish i was not locked into pursuing the most minor desires i have with such an all encompassing and frantic fervor.

Interesting. I was wondering if something called hot cross buns actually existed just a few days ago. When I was just beginning to learn to play an instrument in junior high school band, we played a song called "Hot Cross Buns," and I suddenly remembered it a few days ago.

As for my rant, I'm going to ask Vocational Rehab if they can get me a pair of super strength noise-canceling headphones. Rude people playing their radios and talking for the whole bus ride to work every freakin day is making me murderous. Also, I wonder if I can rig up a device that will make it impossible for people in my vicinity to receive or make cellphone calls. Some sort of signal scrambler. Or an EMF blast.

I'm a tie fighter, I destroy rebel scum!

Oh wow, oh wow, you responded to everyone else's eXXXXX except mine, then when I confronted you as nicely as possible regarding why you had been ignoring my eXXXXX, you suddenly sounded so nice and polite and charming. First you apologized to me, then you explained that you had mistaken my eXXXXX for sXXXXX, then you apologized to me again. I'm sorry, dear, you make me worry about you because your ability to switch between Angel and Devil so effortlessly causes me to wonder how psychopathic you really are. I'm so sick of tiptoeing around you that I won't contact you again unless I'm truly desperate.

Is there truly any justice in the world anymore? Where truth, justice and the American way once ruled the day, now what rules? Lying, injustice and the unAmerican way?

Lying and injustice seem to be the American way.

I can't stop obsessing over how ugly I think I look to others.

I can't sleep. I only ever used to do this when I had what might have been body dysmorphia disorder (I thought I was too ugly to go and see a doctor who would test me for such things).
I know that I'll look better if I get enough sleep, but I can't stop researching for hours on what other people find attractive, and comparing to myself to these 'ideals'. I can't stop 'exaggerating' my perceived flaws.

How do I stop this obsessing from getting worse? How can I get rid of it?


I had finally recently become okay with the way I look, and stopped caring too much about what others think.
I still did do plenty of research, but it wasn't as bad as it is now.
But then I started seeing these people I went to school with making fun of the way some of their class mates look (I saw them saying these things online), and I can't help but worry that people make fun of me the same way my class mates got made fun of, and that if I ever see these people again, they'll make fun of me in the same way. I feel like so many people out there (people I have met, people I haven't even met yet) are going to do the same thing to me if they ever see me.

I know that these people are young and immature(they're aged 15-16(whenever I mention my age online, I feel like people instantly take me less seriously :/)), but (nearly) all people my age are like that, and I want to be socially accepted by people my age.

Whyin the heck do stores play that stupid loud ridiculously awful music, and then turn the sound of the announcements even louder to be heard and then turn the ear splitting metallic beep warnings even louder, all on top of the horrible burn your eyes bright lighting!?

One would think to be in a torture chamber and then have to walk, suffering and hardly being able to think a coherent thought all around in it searching for the item one needs, and then to make it worse, somehow, pay this awful place money for the privilege of being tortured!! !

No I like to be idealistic and believe that justice prevails in the end. Well I would like to think this way, but some reality gets in the way.