Why does no one want me to have a relationship?

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I bet you quite a few women here find you loveable.

They find me to be a pain in the butt LOL

Yes, I have tried to go out more to meet women. I went to a lot of the events in the Meet Up group I am technically still a member of but I keep getting pushed into the background because I don't drink like 99.1% of the people who are members of the group do. I also tried to talk to one of the women in the group and see if she wanted to talk outside an event when another member here (Yes, contrary to popular perception about me, I have indeed taken advice from others) suggested I do so but she never responded to me and I haven't seen her for nearly a year now. I really don't have any female friends that I see regularly. The last ones I actually did hang out with became ex-friends and I have failed to establish any new platonic female friends despite my best efforts. I am friends with my girlfriend's cousin but I only ever see her at family gatherings or when we go to music shows with my older cousin because she is not social with me outside of those circumstances.

It wasn't kraftiekortie who said that first. It was someone who thought I only wanted a girlfriend just to prove to others I can get one.

I know quite a number of women but nearly all of the ones I see or hear from are in some sort of relationship.

Last edited by Marknis on 12 Mar 2019, 6:09 pm, edited 2 times in total.

What I meant....is that there's a better chance you will get a partner than not get a partner.

Marknis look at it like this, if you were unapproachable would you have not gotten so much comments from people on this forum? Someone who is unapproachable would have been easily ignored.

If Mark isn't ready to accept good advice now, one can take solace in the fact that he might be ready to accept good advice later.

This has happened to many people I know. They have expressed the fact that they weren't "ready" way back when----but that they are ready "now."

Maybe, in about two years time, Mark will be ready "now."

I always feel it's better to give advice than to just shut up. Because, while a person might not appreciate the advice NOW, the person might appreciate the advice IN THE FUTURE.

Loveable means romantic so no there isn’t any women here who’d consider dating me.

It means more than "romantic."

It can mean that you are nice person, and that the person wants to be friends with you.

It can mean "cute," too, in a nonsexual sense.

Actually, more women have found me cute in a nonsexual sense than somebody they really "desire" sexually.

referring to the OP, untreated or maltreated dysthymia makes the already forbiddingly steep climb of self-improvement even more forbidding. for some folk, it takes over 100% of our energy just to keep our heads above water. we are in permanent energy debt as a result, and just like the company store [IOW ruinous interest charged to the captive workers] kept the coal miners in poverty, so too does energy debt keep us from climbing outta the hole, and at this point nothing short of a seemingly magical solution will help. so we should cut the OP LOTS more slack and try to be a bit more willing to listen to him, no matter what. IOW if one can't wave the magic wand [which many of us dearly need], at least listen patiently.

I agree with auntblabby. Forums are full of advice about what somebody should do to improve their situation. When suggestions are made, and the person doesn't take the advice, we tend to blame them. For some people, they simply can't take the advice, no matter how good it was.

I think this retraumatizes the autistic child. All their lives, they've been told "act this way" and been blamed when they couldn't. Then they get to adulthood fairly wounded, and it's the same story all over again - whether it's at a job, or in social/relationship situations.

At the same time, none of us advice-givers want to convey hopelessness, or advising the person just give up. That would be horrible advice. So it's a tricky situation to interact in these threads.

Getting back to our OP - I sometimes correct Marknis's faulty interpretations of reality because I think that needs to be heard; but I am not going to beat up on him for not rising to the challenges that others (here and in his real life) pose. When Marknis makes a step in the right direction - going to the gym, or being kind to someone else in the forum - I try to notice it and compliment it.

Although very few of us are doctors, we could do well to remember the part of the Hippocratic oath that says, "First, do no harm."

By the way, all of the above applies equally to one other long-time member who never seems to make any progress, or two, or five, or twenty...

Do you still go to that meetup group? How long have you been going there? Just because you haven't gotten results yet over there doesn't mean you never will... I started to go to anime conventions in 2011, and in 2013 I started to keep an eye open for interesting guys who might be pontential partners while I went to those. Results? I got the contact information of a potential guy less than a month ago for the first time. Six years after I started looking for a potential man for a relationship from those places (of course I've kept an eye open in other places too, but this is the first time I even manage to get contact information.) Six years Markins, six years. This proves that a) just because one can't get results right away doesn't mean one won't get them at all and b) it's not easy for women either (well, as far as I know, you never said it was, but just in case you've thought that was the case.) I mean sure, it's just the contact information, but it's a big step for me. Too early to wonder if this will really go anywhere, but it's a step in the right direction. I didn't give up and eventually got a bit of results after years of trying, so don't you give up either.

It wasn't? Well, he's the one who I remember saying it. The point is that it's a good point.

So what if the women you know are all in relationships? Unless you (or them) are afraid of their partners beating you (or them) up for interracting with the opposite sex, I'd say you should make an effort to be their friend. You'll get practice at socializing and if you actually become friends, the chances that they will introduce you to their other friends get higher and among those other friends there could be some single women.

Friendships aren’t love.
When I save loveable I mean relationships I mean I can’t ever be loved by a woman romanticly or have a relationship. I can’t go on dates, I can’t kiss or hug a woman. They wouldn’t want to do any of those things with a ugly worthless sub human like me.

But this long-term depression isn't some spontaneous chemical imbalance. It didn't emerge out of nowhere, it has a tangible cause (or causes). It's obvious that one of the biggest contributing factors to Marknis' depression is his constant singlehood despite his wishes for a partner and a relationship. I doubt the depression came before that, and if it did, it was likely spurred by something else going on (or not going on) in Marknis' life.

So if Marknis' long-term depression is largely due to not being able to attract a partner, and not having any romantic prospects, then there is no way around the fact that he needs to do what is necessary to be in a position where he is able to attract a partner and is thus able to overcome debilitating insecurities and boundaries that plague the present and seemingly the future of his love life. If his depression is the result of a void in the romantic facet of his life, then it is untreatable without making it so that at very least he has good reason to believe that he has the potential to find a partner and won't remain alone for the foreseeable future. Therefore, he cannot progress to a happier state unless he addresses what is holding him back from finding a relationship.

We could "cut him some slack" and maybe that would make him feel better in the short-term, but long-term if he doesn't get his act together and put himself in a position where he has enough going for him that he can find a woman to reciprocate his affections then this depression will continue in perpetuity, and I'd rather lay reality out for him even if he doesn't much like it, and see him act on the facts and use knowledge to his advantage so he can get what he wants out of life, than offer him platitudes and baby him and make him temporarily feel better but have no actual change or improvements happen in his life. What feels better in the moment is often not what's best for the long-term.

what i was saying, was that some of us are already tapped out energy=wise and can't do "long term" to save our lives. so kindly "warm fuzzies" are at least comforting to some of us at least.

I've had depressed episodes before I became clinically depressed and, believe it or not, a lot of them were over the fact I didn't have a girlfriend like so many of my male classmates did. They wouldn't last long because I believed in a God at that point so I thought maybe the "plan" was going to happen and I was constantly told college would be where I would find a girlfriend. I don't know why others, especially those who hadn't even been to college, told me that. I suppose they were basing it off of what their parents told them. I grew sick of the "God's plan" crap and the college hype was just that.

I will reply to Fireblossom but I am short on time at the moment.

This doesn't surprise me at all, as my experience has been similar (minus the God's plan stuff). The solution for both of us is also very similar in that we need to take measures to become more appealing prospects to women. The advice I give to you doesn't exclusively apply to you.

How can you be sure that your lack of relationship is the source of your depression, rather than your level of fixation on that particular issue? Marknis seems to have some issues with obsessive thought patterns and relationships seems to be one of his fixations to an unhealthy extent. So how do you know it's the lack of relationship that is causing the depression? How can you be certain it's that and not due to the unhealthy level of fixation and negative thought loops on that particular issue?