scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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3 exhausted

-5. Health problems, no clear answers, no one to talk to about what's going on. Really tired of my life as it is right now and will be for the foreseeable future.

6 - Content in mood and state of mind, but genuinely feel lost.

- 0

-5: My mind is drowning in tears... passions are blurry, and I just want to curl up and disappear for a few forevers.

The only thing keeping me going is knowing there's a light not far off in the distance. In about a third of a year, I'll leave this silent hell in the dust. I'm trying to avoid thinking I'll just end up in a new brand of hell when I move to Washington... not much fight left as there is.

-4. Bridges x 3, remove some rotten wisdom teeth, maybe a root canal or two while I'm there. $5000+ maybe?? I'm ashamed

6.5

Eh, a 7. I am prepared for my next job tomorrow. Better sleep early.......

_________________
LIONS-STAMPEDERS-ELKS-ROUGHRIDERS-BLUE BOMBERS-TIGER-CATS-ARGONAUTS-REDBLACKS-ALOUETTES

The Canadian Football League - What We're Made Of

Feel free to talk to me, if you wish.

Every day is a gift- cherish it!

"A true, true friend helps a friend in need."

1
Resisting being dragged down, no, lured down with words some of which I finally realized are lies. Wow, it's about time. I have to admit they are crazy, not mean crazy, but crazily insecure/negative, and are nicest to me when they've boxed and labeled me. Time to recycle that box.

1. Feeling melancholy, but comfortable in it...

Same, except I am a bit more, erm, energized.

_________________
LIONS-STAMPEDERS-ELKS-ROUGHRIDERS-BLUE BOMBERS-TIGER-CATS-ARGONAUTS-REDBLACKS-ALOUETTES

The Canadian Football League - What We're Made Of

Feel free to talk to me, if you wish.

Every day is a gift- cherish it!

"A true, true friend helps a friend in need."

5. Befuddlement

About a 5.

5. Ugh

0.

I'm sick and tired of all of it.

I'm not sad, I'm not happy. I'm not scared. I'm just sick and tired of all of it.

Off to the therapist to learn how to replace negative thoughts with positive ones...

...and wondering how to bring up "When does this turn into denial and self-deception??" without my husband accusing me of misdirecting or derailing the conversation.

Because, frankly, what they want is a smiling woman, a compliant mother, and a smoothly running house.

They don't give a s**t if I'm happy-- they just want to think I'm happy.

They don't care where the road goes-- they just want it to go smoothly and efficiently.

They don't care what I see or think or feel-- they just want to feel like they do, and be able to tell themselves that they do, without having to actually think about it or listen to it for more than 10 minutes at a time (or deal with anything that can't be easily resolved in a 10-minute paternalistic conversation that ends with my saying something to the effect of, "I see. Thank you for setting me straight."

I'm fed up. If I had any concrete complaint or thought I could either care for these kids on my own or give them up without being haunted, I'd walk away.