Rants

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My friends seem to be imaginary again. At least I used to pretend they gave a d#mn. Time for bed.

I think I'm too f****d up to actually ever have a relationship again. Maybe that's for the best.

feeling unstable. my friend and i had an argument that started on friday & ended on saturday. it was the worst fight we have ever had. we aren't in a relationship but he had an issue with me sleeping with another guy. not because he has an issue with open relationships, supposedly neither of us are monogamous, but because he thinks the guy i did it with is a slime ball who'll only hurt me & is sick of worrying about me all the time & feels hurt that i didn't tell him earlier. he also thinks he clearly told me not to go with that guy anymore & i think i told him about it earlier and he feels like i leave him all the time. i don't. i always want to be with him. he said he couldn't trust me anymore and i said i couldn't trust him either. we argued for ages. i cried for 2 days and he cried with me. he hates it when i hurt. i still don't trust him. we make each other happy and he wanted to stop that. how could he? every time i think of the things he said i get hurt again. i couldn't bear the thought of not waking up in the morning next to him and spooning and his smell around me. we both have issues. i think he has abandonment issues. not just with me but because of his family. he said he'd give me another chance if i promised i would never leave him or hurt him so i promised. if i ever break it he said he would never trust or talk to anybody ever again. it hurt so bad. every word he said cut. the ones he used to make me feel better were the worst because they were everything we were when we were happy together. i accidentally told him i love him and he said it back. he stayed with me the night to make sure i was okay- he ran to my place from the next station after we said bye on friday because i wasn't. we're sort of back to normal but i feel scared now. what if i hurt him again and he leaves? or what if i hurt him and he never trusts anybody again?

Sometimes I really regret giving up smoking. Maybe I should take up boxing. I'd at least get back into shape.

There have been countless situations when I've asked a question and people have been annoyed by it. Nothing rude or anything, just questions so I can have a better understanding. It's like people have an aversion to being asked something. So now, I try to remember to think about whether or not the question is really important, consider who it is that I'm asking, the kind of question it is, etc.
But really, it's just a damn question. What's the big deal? Just answer the damn thing and we can both get on with whatever else we want to do, rather than yelling at me for wanting to learn something.
But sometimes people actually explain to me that the tone of my voice sounded rude. Now, that would be fair enough and I'd be willing to work on it.... except that it's not really fair at all.
The way everyone else hears my voice is very deep and boring. I hear it much higher and... for want of a better word... normal (I havent met anyone else with a voice as deep as mine... i really, really, really hate the way other people hear my voice), so when I'm talking, I do change tones appropriately. I change my tone of voice a lot and have no trouble understand other peoples tones. So this is something I actually understand very well, which makes it even more frustrating. I wish it was an Autistic thing, I really do, because at least then I'd have an acceptable reason. But no... it's just that I'm stuck with a horrible voice so that everyone else thinks my tone wasn't appropriate blah blah blah...

But here's the kicker...
Back to the questions: If I ask a question in a supposedly inappropriate tone, that's really bad and I'm bad for asking a question, especially like that.
But when someone that's gotten up me about doing that does that same thing, somehow, I'm still the bad guy. I've still managed to do something wrong. Like everyone else is entitled to a negative reaction to my tone of voice which I can't help, but noooo, I can't react in the same way.
I've never been on that end of the argument before... it was weird.
But I would have happily apologized if the other person wasn't such a hypocrite. One time I react like that. One time. People have been doing that to me my whole life.
If you're going to lecture someone about their tone of voice over and over and over again, don't be such a hypocrite about it!!
If you find yourself accidentally using an inappropriate tone, do what you'd expect me to do, rephrase what you've said and/or apologize. Or don't say anything. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to say or ask something but chose not to because I know I might sound inappropriate.

Seems my shame about being female has come back. I refuse to ever become a "woman". What is a woman, anyway? Simply someone who's gone through puberty? Someone who's sexually active? Someone with her head in a good place? No matter what it is, I hate the word and don't want to ever be called by it. I hope I don't ever get in a news story where I'm referred to as "a woman from (city)". Most of all, I hate my body shape and wish I was curveless; straight up and down, and could somehow switch off the gross inside bits. Puberty is a curse placed on humanity by whatever god is up there.

I'm now single again. My ex boyfriend is now my housemate. I slept with a friend after a night out and that was the turning point. I couldn't go on with it any more.

I have two assignments for my community college that are due next week, and I promised my grandmother that I'd work on them tonight. As soon as I walk back into my house, guess what happens? My parents immediately commence their daily Verbal Kombat. My mother repeatedly said that she would file a police report because the insurance premium went up. Sometimes, I wonder why I was born to such anger-filled people.

I hate the package I come in. I tell people what's inside in a vain attempt to get them to give me a chance. I'm a youngish woman, I shouldn't have to do that. I guess it's good practice for when I get older and even uglier - not that it works.

...

..

I am not sure how capable I am of pulling myself together anymore. I am still worried about what might happen. I'm scared.

I need to quit moping around so much and talk to people.

And my sleep cycle is kinda messed up at the moment. Some of my headaches are tremendous.

I need a moat. I hate having people over trampling over my place. I hate having to pretend to enjoy it. I hate holidays. I hate sociable people.

Well, make a moat, put some piranhas there and you won’t have to pretend to enjoy the show