scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

Post Reply New Topic

-VIII

+2 to mood due to chocolate cupcakes

2. I feel good, but words are eluding me today. I hate stumbling across something interesting, but comprehension mode is molasses. It makes me anxious.

-2 kind of annoyed.

-IX

Feel so pathetic. I wasn't made aware that there would be a fire drill at the hotel today. I would have left to go to downtown and wander today had I known. Anyway, the hotel room I'm in is technically a small studio apartment, and the fire alarms are equipped with industrial grade sirens. It went off, and all I could do was drop to the floor until adrenaline filled my body and I started to get frenzied.

Might have broken my right hand... still watching it through the swelling. Though the siren is surprisingly no worse for wear. Left the room in wild panic, and went into the office and broke down in tears while a woman there called the alarm off and took my frightened childlike stated self back to my room and bandaged my hand.

I guess I can't really lie to myself... no matter how well I do in learning to fit in socially and begin to question my diagnosis, certain things like this just remind me that I'm still painfully autistic underneath it all.

Incredibly embarrassed and want to just slink away while nobody is looking and die somewhere nobody will find me.

+4 Feeling rather calm actually.

negative 7
Listening to New Found Glory & drinking a beer; it's obvious I'm depressed sense I haven't listened to NFG in years & only drink very occasionally. One or two beers helps take the edge off the last few days & part of the reason I'm drinking one tonight is because of a sinus drip aggravating my throat. I haven't really cryed today/tonight yet which is good but I may latter. I'm going to my doc office tomorrow to set up an appointment for a physical I need for a surgery next month & hopefully I'll get an antidepressant prescribed during my physical. Thankfully I haven't needed em in like 6 years & have been over my depression. But too many bad things going on in life stressing me & my girlfriend out lately & getting to us, her depression that she's still struggling to find the rite med[s] for, me getting surgery next month, & mine which became ours pet chinchilla that I had for 9 years dying afew days ago; I just just cant handle things rite now & my sleep is worse than it was before which wasn't great. I tend to be or at least majorly try to be the strong & supportive one in this relationship so it's very hard for both of us rite now sense we're both depressed together. I may feel like I really want/need to break down for awhile but neither me nor her can afford for me to rite now. I need something to help hold me together for a while & take to edge off so I can get through some stuff & continue to be supportive & there for her like I've been & we can both recover. I can get off of it 1ce we're through some stuff, life improves & she's doing abit better. I may have better luck on antidepressants than her sense I'm not as sensitive to meds in general, my depression is more situational, less of a chemical thing, I didn't have it for half my life, & I learned some things from my experience with it & meds in the past. Maybe I should make a post in L&D about how I always try to be the strong one because I worry about her which makes things worse because I eventually cant take it & then act or let things out at a horrible time but rite now's not the time for me to try changing & working on it. I made a post in Bipoloar & Other Conditions section asking about antidepressant ideas & this is a clickable link to it incase anyone has some.

-4, panic attack from walking past someone. I should get that outcome letter soon, shouldn't I?

-6 anxiety

-4 feeling down

-6

I am thinking of a friend who already has a research volunteer position. I had a small one last summer. There, I felt isolated and detached. I want to actually feel part of a research team. I really wanted this position that is late at night, it was like that. But apparently I'm not good enough.

I suspect it was due to my handwriting not being neat enough. I also got sick, so I didn't get as much time as I wanted to prepare.

I wonder what happened to me. I used to have very neat handwriting. I don't know why I just didn't develop my speed. I can't write fast and neat anymore. And I lost some of my French skills, which I barely had any time to practice because I've been loading myself up with various classes and professional training.

I just feel crappy and studying has been feeling more and more meaningless to me. I want to work at a dynamic job that challenges me and stimulates me. I don't want to have free time in the evenings, which is why I REALLY wanted this position. Free time drives me nuts and if I don't have anything at that time, I'll probably end up just partying a lot, which I don't want to do excessively, either (too expensive, and I barely drink).



I think my biggest problem is that I have difficulty valuing what I already have. I always want more because I can't handle any emptiness in my schedule.

-X

+1 rather buzzed from a couple beers and a little bit of vodka I had left....and listening to some cool psychobilly/rockobilly sort of band called Ghoultown, they are pretty awesome.

-5 worthless

+1 feeling good, but sad. Or confused. Or both.
A little untethered.

-8.

I screwed up my last exam in an A+ course. I feel so pathetic.

I either study my a** off or I fail my a** off. There's no other way.