scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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No. = ???

I am somewhat aware that despite being quite miserable, good things are happening around me, and I just can't feel them.

I just got my past rent deposit back in the mail which should be enough to help me get my hands on a proper classical guitar and start more... scholastic type studies, and better prepare myself for university level studies. Les Pauls just aren't made to keep up with things like Bach (#1 Six string electric sustain machine on the market + graceful flury of complex note patterns = Wall of Painful Noise). I'd been excited about it for a long while, but now I just can't feel anything. I know I'll need it for when I go to school for music, but... Just not feeling it.

My roommate seems to like me... which is rather good. Though, I don't know why so much... I'm very quiet and can't imagine I'm much fun to talk to, though I try to offer conversation when it seems she wants to talk, and know she works hard, so try to do extra kindnesses around the apartment while she's gone so she doesn't have to when she gets home. Probably has more to do with me trying to keep everything I do from disturbing how she's used to living. Edit: She's also very kind, quiet and easy to get along with when she's home, and doesn't have any habits, so far that I can tell, that bother me... She seems possibly aspie, or at least has some traits/aspie-qualities.

I've also got pretty much everything set up with living here and no longer have things to worry about tying the ends to... though, I feel just as emotionally overwhelmed. Probably because I was never really thinking about those things while I went through the motions. Some surprises with state government properly adjusting my disability up properly far faster than I'd expected, too, was certainly a good thing for easing financial worries.

I also have to figure out how to get some cheap furniture in my room, but have no drive to look... and can't even find the will/energy to make food and eat proper. I'm maybe eating 1500 calories a day at the moment when my body needs about 5000 to keep my body weight from dropping(lean muscular rail can't afford to lose anything). Very nauseous too, but can't expect not to be with how I've been eating, or more accurately, not-eating.

Unfortunately, I cannot take most anti-depressants(no SSRI's) even when I get my insurance squared away.

An hour ago, 3: back pain bad this morning and cat vomited again on carpet! Now painkillers have kicked in and have cleaned up mess, had 2 cups of coffee, I'm at a 7, and going to social anxiety group in a couple of hours, so looking forward to seeing my friends there. Hope it will be a 9 by the end of the day.

-6 + -2

-10. Mourning, and dealing with my family's mourning...

-1. The thought of it being so easy to make people hate me and it being so difficult to make people like me is just so.... **** aspergers.

+1 a bit nauseous, not surprising really but moods alright and am going to have some coffee, good coffee.

-2. I'm having pretty horrible anxiety right now.

Friends have never cared, but everyone I date seems unsatisfied with my emotions one way or another. - 4

...

-5

-9
fatigue and anxiety, partly due to 19 years of being a (single) parent

-8. Was much better (maybe -3 on most days, which counts as happy for me). But realised today that my fiancee and I will never be able to communicate. We tried for a year and have to face facts. We're not separating - that would be the -10, but the joy has gone from living for both of us. Hello darkness my old friend.

7. Very severe back pain this morning. Couldn't put cat's foodbowl on the floor - had to drop it and hope it landed the right way up. It did! Yay! Painkillers have taken the sharper edge off now. Sunny day again, clear blue sky. Made a lasagne for dinner tonight, using new recipe that you can cook in the microwave. Almost noon now. Going to sit in the sun and soak up some rays. Life is pretty good today. Son brought me Italian chocolates, beautiful sunflowers and a book I wanted for mother's day (yesterday in NZ, we are a day ahead of the US). You can see why I love him so much!! And took me out to lunch yesterday - we sat at an outdoor table in the sun by the beach, ate grilled fish, salad, ciabatta with garlic and herbs, and a fabulous NZ chardonnay. In good space lately. (GABA works great for me. Restores the capacity for joy.)

-7

-2, damn depression leave me alone already...I already know I am a failure who has done nothing with my life....grrrr. Suppose I will go to bed soon after I step outside for a bit...it also snowed today which is annoying its supposed to be spring.

-7

There's a threat of a tornado in the county where I am living in, and although it has passed my city, I can't help but feel worried for my boyfriend and his family, who lives 30 minutes east of me. I hope they are okay...