scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-9.

Thought I had been doing better, but I got bitched out for being selfish and demanding again (because I talked for too long about what I wanted to do trying to make sure DH would be OK with it).

Got bitched out for not nurturing the kids (because I am open about the fact that I do not enjoy soccer practice-- I thought I just had to take them there, and offer encouragement, and talk to them about soccer, and try to learn to understand the game-- I didn't know I had to pretend to love it and frankly I don't think it's healthy to lie to your kids because they will be parents some day).

Frankly, what I actually want is to put a gun in my mouth and put an end to all of it.

It might not be too bad to take a hunting knife and cut myself up until I pass out from blood loss.

I have tried, and tried, and tried. When I succeed in being the person they want to be, it takes so much out of me that I have a breakdown. And then he tells me that he never wanted that, that I brought it on myself, and that I don't have to act like that. So I stop acting, and after about 6 weeks he always comes along and punches me in the gut (not literally) screaming about what a sh***y person I am because I am not keeping up the act.

I really, really, really want to die. God won't make me normal, no matter how much I pray. Do you think He might just strike me dead if I pray for that instead??

Ouch, that sounds full of pain, seems like you have to figure out a different way to live? Sounds like the current way isn't meeting any of your needs? I hope it gets better for you and that you find a way of getting some needs met. You know the problems, so what are the solutions? Something needs to change? What?

I often think of something that author David Richo writes, about our basic needs for the "5a's": attention, acceptance, approval, appreciation, affection. Maybe check out his books or online articles. He was a big help to me when I was in the same space...

Today I am about a 5. Back pain continues, still waiting for the next operation (soon). Slept fairly well and the cat hasn't been sick for 3 days Maybe a 6!

-2, just woke up from some weird dreams...and its 4 in the morning, not so sure I'll get back to sleep unless one of the cats come in my room. But I got netflix and a p23 with kinda crappy free games since I haven't been able to afford games yet. bought a phone with minutes this month and that was really the only expensive thing I could afford, aside from that I still have to get two concert tickets which is moderately expensive and try to make it through the rest of the month with around 150 dollars 50 of which I should probably try to figure out how to get groceries with since they cut my food stamps to like 20 dollars a month which I've used most of...so will have to look for deals and cheap yet healthy things that wont make me nauseous.

bleh, let's say -2 or -3.

I gotta do my laundry and it's giving me anxiety. I now live in a big 300 unit apartment building with 1 laundry room about as far as possible from my room. It's stupid and I dunno why it bothers me so much, I guess it's the hanging around waiting for it to be done and the crowd the likes to congregate together doing the same thing, taking all my clothes somewhere which are of my few earthly possessions and leaving them bugs me too. I tend to worry a lot about things and more times than not it's not anywhere near as bad, I gotta work up the courage to do this sooner than later. Running out of clothes.

It really is a sisyphean task, I got out on my own and am going back to therapy which weren't easy things for me to accomplish but there is always some stupid hang up or inadequacy around the corner. Was kind of hoping the wind would be at my back for a while but I fear it's always going to be a struggle, if it wasn't this it would be something else. Whatever, I just gotta do it but it might take me a bit to work myself up to it. I wasn't always like this.

5. Upset stomach, dizzy, back pain.. ?? Wide awake at 6.30am. Will drink some lemon and ginger tea and see if that helps, might lie down for a while too until it passes. Which I hope will be very soon!

+V

Pretty decent day... I went to the community college and spoke to a councilor about returning, and she helped me by telling me how to go about enrolling online (which I did when I got home), gave me a lesson guideline with my current progress, and was very helpful to all of my questions that I was concerned with.

Apparently, I only need to take 3 classes and re-take 2, so a total of 5 until I have my general education requirements for transfer... then I can take two or three more classes toward my music major and transfer to university, as I'll need a few more credits to mop up the total for 60. I currently was told I'm 2/3 the way finished, and my GPA should jump nicely by retaking the two I royally messed up before dropping out some years ago.

I also got my DVD copy of Kingdom Hospital, and it was delivered shortly after I got back from being out, so it didn't get blown away from the porch and never to be seen by today's harsh Santa Ana winds. I've not seen it but once during my junior year of high school, and have wanted to see it a few times since.

Some other more mundane stuff went in my favor, but isn't particularly exciting enough worth mentioning.

2, not too bad....went to a pretty awesome concert last night and it was metal so a bit sore from all the headbanging and insanity of metal concerts.

^
Glad you're in the positives today... Concerts are one of the only things that remind me I'm actually alive, and they often inspire me greatly to continue working on my guitar playing like some sort of life giving transfusion when my spirit is weary and too devoid of drive/passion to keep in motion. Though, I don't get the chances to go to too many.

+V

Today has been rather lazy, which would normally make me feel guilt and on edge for not getting something properly productive done, but yesterday wasn't so good... So I'm just trying to relax. I was stuck out in direct sun in 100+ degree F weather for too long and think I nearly got heat stroke yesterday(I don't sweat much/properly)... I even began to experience an Elysian day dream toward the end of the journey out just before catching the final bus home

So today, I've just been easy on myself while dolting about in Skyrim, listening to music, reading, and leisurely practicing guitar without a concrete study plan. It's just as hot out today it would seem... as I found out when I went to the store up the block for a couple of easy meals. So Nature's keeping me from doing anything particularly productive today anyway.

-1. Bored. Alone.

-5

-7

7. Was overdoing things earlier in the week, today a lovely lazy day, just reading in bed and occasionally visiting the kitchen to graze on food, haven't had a day like this for a few months, very restoring..

I'm tired. Wednesday, I found out my father has cancer and while it hit me hard then, it really didn't hit me until today. I'm afraid for him and I'm afraid of what I'm going to have to deal with in helping him through this. I hope it's something he can recover from and live a good many years, but right now we don't know enough. I've never had to deal with the mortality of someone i was close to. There are a lot of questions and not many answers.

Ouch, that's a biggie. Hope that things become clearer soon, things become easier once everything is clarified and there is a clear treatment plan. After that it's a step by step process, hopefully to full recovery. For now you are dealing with shock and it all seems just too big to process. That's par for the course. Meantime, as much as you can, take care and get the rest you need. Getting the rest is very important. Strong emotions are exhausting. Take care.