B,
Aaaaarrgggghhh!
I'm sorry to scream at you. You're my oldest friend, and I love and appreciate you, but you're driving me nuts. No, I don't want to get together today. I know I e-mailed you about maybe getting together today, but that was yesterday morning. You didn't get in touch until this afternoon to ask if I want to meet up *today.* Sorry, it's not going to happen on such short notice. Going out and being social is hard for me, and I need advance notice so I can mentally prepare myself. I can't tell you that, though, since you don't regard that as a valid excuse. According to you, my social quirks are just odd, a problem I need to overcome. You can't seem to understand and respect my need for ample advance notice, the fact that I can't tolerate more than a few (2-4) hours of socialization with you on a good day, or my avoidance of large social gatherings. According to you, this is my problem, and I just need to push out of my comfort zone and get over it. As long as you insist on having this attitude, I can't be honest with you. I always need to make up some story about some other commitment as to why I can't meet up today, or why I have to go home. It's exhausting, always having to make up stories. You make it difficult, always asking more questions.
When will I be done? I should just text you when I'm done so we can meet up later. Couldn't I take care of that some other time so we can hang out longer?
You're always trying to find the loopholes in my excuses, and it drives me nuts. You clogged up my inbox today with all your texts. Of course, if you could just understand how difficult this is for me, and respect my needs and boundaries regarding socialization, I wouldn't need to try and make up stories all the time.
You can't imagine how difficult this is for me. You haven't seen me those times after we parted ways when the trains were delayed due to the unpredictability of the subways on weekend evenings. You haven't seen me those times I wound up melting down on the platform or train, because I couldn't get to the safety of my hermit cave (aka my apartment) as quickly as I needed to. I needed my hermit cave so desperately because my resources had been drained by socialization. I have had many meltdowns on the subway because there were delays and I needed so badly to get home. This has happened on more than one occasion after an outing with you. You haven't seen it, so you don't know. Probably for the best that you haven't seen this. Knowing you, if you did see it, you'd just come to a conclusion that I'm a deeply disturbed individual who should probably be heavily medicated or institutionalized.
We've been friends for a long time, and there are lots of things I love about you. That said, I hate how you make me feel like a dysfunctional freak for this part of myself. I don't like the way people in general or so intolerant of my need for lots and lots of space away from people, but your intolerance in particular really stings. You've known me most of my life, and you have plenty of problems of your own, albeit different from mine. With you of all people, I should be able to be honest about this part of myself without fear of judgement or ridicule. I hate that I can't be honest with you. Will you ever mature to the point that you can respect *all* parts of me, including this one?
_________________
"And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad./ The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."