scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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1, just got up a bit ago...still not sure how I feel today.

0.

-5

-10 at worst because my mother passed away last night.

I would have had a lower rank, but I've been prescribed anti-depressants since last month, and they really work. They also let me get my emotions out easier, and control my anger, too.

^^^ Very sorry for your loss.


+1 on to step 2

It sounds like it was a good time. Who did you see play? Folk Metal is one of the few genres(Others:Neo-Classical, Thrash, Power) that has kept me listening to Metal for awhile now even though I often listen to Classical and other more mellow things like jazz and world/folk.

The last concert I went to was just in February for my past birthday... It was a Rachmaninov/Sibelius performance in San Francisco by the symphony there. I couldn't help but laugh inwardly that I felt so at home and lost within the music while everyone around me was older than dust

+III

Just feeling unbearably vulnerable today. Anxiety feels crushing like my veins are weighted with lead as well. Circumstances are okay though.

Last edited by Lace-Bane on 19 May 2014, 9:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

-1

The number zero (0). It just seems like I merely exist. If I moved to another state, only my mother would actually miss me.

-9.

Now that I'm down at the bottom after a few weeks of being told how selfish, self-serving, uncaring, and et cetera I am (and no, Honey, screaming at me for 7 hours and continuing to beat me over the head with examples of my sin until I start crying and stop trying to explain or defend myself IS NOT constructive criticism), they want to start in again on the "I love you, you're wonderful" s**t.

I am not going to believe it again.

My MIL is moving in this summer.

I need to make a pre-suicide to-do list.

1) Clean out Mom's apartment.

2) Get her settled.

3) Organize all the kids' things for the next couple of years. Clearly label them.

4) Write 16 "letters from Mommy" for the baby, 13 for the next one, 11 for the next one, and 6 for the oldest one.

5) Research methods of suicide that are quick (for example, a plastic bag and a tank of helium is too slow, at least unless I can get my hands on some sleeping pills and find someone to help me), tidy (blowing my brains out is going to make a huge mess, although I guess I could do it in the woods somewhere), foolproof (I have contemplated going out alone and driving off an embankment; there would be no way to be sure I did not fall asleep at the wheel but I'm too likely to end up maimed and even more helpless but alive), and for the kids' sake ideally should mimick a natural death.

6) Choose one and plan it down to the last detail. Nothing like a flat tire, or last-minute second thoughts, is going to mess me up this time. I need to be methodical about this.

7) Either get Pop's place fixed up the way Hubby wants it to sell, or line up a buyer and get a sale taken care of. While I'm at it, I need to make sure Uncle gets the music collection and Cousin gets the Pepsi-Cola clock in the kitchen.

8 ) Make a will. Needs to specify that all assets in my name are to be placed in trust for the kids until their 21st birthdays. Hubby can be the trustee, I think he would administer that OK, and it would let him use it to get the kids things that they need, but I don't want someone who contributed to this state of affairs getting a $750,000 do-what-you-please payday. And I don't trust my MIL with money.

What else do I need to do to make a nice, tidy, everything-is-taken-care-of suicide?? I'm not going to go on living like this. It's only nominally better than life on risperidone (at least I can think and function, but I don't intend to go on being a burden to people and being cycled endlessly between "You're fine, stop worrying" and "You are an uncaring piece of s**t.")

That is terrible to read. Wishing you something much better. I hope this passes. I hope something wonderful happens for you.

-5

8 at the end of the night for me. Busy challenging day, made some pleated, lined full length curtains for the living room and hung them - a lot of work in getting them just right. About 10 hours in all. Cooked a pork casserole for dinner in a sauce flavoured with figs, lemon, sherry and garlic, and even though Winter begins here next week, today was like Summer, warm with blue skies, unusually hot for the end of May. My back in a bit of protest after the day's sewing. I never had days like this before I started taking GABA. Now I have them most of the time. It's a huge change after several challenging years of severe illness and lots of physical pain in my hips and back. Long may it continue...

-7 Ugh, I'm helpless. I can't advocate for myself, I can't do anything. You get over one hurdle and then there's another. The pain of anxiety is too easy to avoid by simply not doing the things that you need to do, just withdrawing and distract myself my interests. How can you get help with anxiety and getting help causes anxiety? It really is a Sisyphean task, I feel like a child and I wish was. Why must everything be so hard? I don't think I will ever be happy regardless of what I accomplish(which is nothing as of now) so it's hard to motivate myself to do anything that causes me any discomfort. Discomfort has been my only motivator my entire life and you only do just enough to get out of the uncomfortable place. Maybe anguishing about it for a while is what I need to do.

For the record, yes, it is really what I am really thinking about.

But that's a LONG-ASS to-do list. Like, months to years.

And anyone making to-do lists is still in the early stages of suicide ideation.

So it will probably all get worked out.

-3

-5