scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-4 Maybe the first day of Wheaton Pops rehearsal tomorrow will cheer me up. Plenty of girls my age in it too. Hehehe. Though I still need a job.

-7. So damn tired of being afraid. So damn tired of reminding myself that I must continue to despise myself.

No, honey, I have not learned to think more flexibly. I have just learned to keep my thoughts to myself. I don't think any better than I used to. All I have done is get better at judging what people want my thoughts and opinions to be, better at making myself say it, and better at coating negative opinions with complimentary qualifiers.

I was an autistic b***h when we were younger because I liked myself and saw my thoughts and opinions as meritorious a valid, and myself as having an equal right to voice them. Because I thought that, although people were not mostly honest, they really should be-- should be honest about what they thought and what they felt, and should work out ways to honestly bridge the gaps between their honest opinions.

Now I know that falsified smiles, half-truthful compliments, and politely saying what you do not believe or feel is the grease that makes it all continue to function-- not only in superficial and workplace relations, but in friendships and family relations and marriages too.

Everyone became able to like me when I chose to SHUT UP. To smile and nod and SHUT UP. They all despised me before, and they'll all despise me again.

I don't want to live life SHUT UP. And I don't want to live like hated, barely tolerated, viewed as an enemy, or rejected either.

I'm afraid every time I have to do something, or say something, or talk to someone. All I can do is stick to the script I know, whether it is truthful or not, or SHUT UP. Three years of therapy hasn't fixed it. It isn't fixable. I'm sick and tired of being either afraid or evil. I'm sick and tired from being scared. And I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

2.45

Its okay, I failed, and I can accept it. I can move on. I can learn. I still have my future. What matters is what I choose to do. Kinda like in that second Kung-Fu-Panda movie. Scars/Wounds fade and heal, though friendships might remain broken, never to exist again. I just need to find my inner peas. Things are looking up a little for me. I can not waste myself being bitter over my own stupidity. People make mistakes, they move on. Is it wrong to hope that someone might be watching, and might be impressed? Time will tell if this is my last breakdown. It does make sense to avoid what caused them, but it does make sense to try and fix what I was upset about. Maybe that has already been fixed. No one is talking behind my back and expecting me to take it for now. I like it. Maybe I just need to return the favor.

-6. I'm still in shock and angry about what the leadership in my congregation did to the former music director. I've made my decision to leave and never step foot again in ANY ELCA congregation. I'm not the only that may be leaving. Almost the entire 11:00 AM Sunday Choir may be going with me. Our bass soloist may be returning to the LC-MS congregation he, his family, and in-laws left almost 20 years ago. My partner in crime in the tenor section and his wife are considering leaving. Our alto soloist may be returning to her husband's church. He's Roman Catholic, and this congregation isn't exactly known for their music program. Our soprano soloist, while's she's not happy with what happened, will probably remain with this congregation. Whether she will continue to participate in the music program, remains to be seem, as she and her husband are over 70.

As for me, I'm still undecided where I'm going to end up. Of the 3 LC-MS congregations in the area, I've been in 2. Unfortunately, I have no idea what their choirs sound like, as I've never had the time to visit these congregations during the penitential seasons (Advent and Lent). Theologically, I have no issue with the LC-MS, as I was baptized and confirmed in LC-MS while I lived in Illinois and Wisconsin. I would also consider the Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod, except the nearest WELS congregation is located northern suburbs of Harrisburg, which is not worth me traveling to 2 or more times a week. I've already ruled out attending the Episcopal churches in the area, as well as the United Church of Christ, and the Moravian Church, as the also support the ordination of openly gay pastors, as well as sanctifying same sex marriage. Besides, the Protestant Episcopal Church and the United Church of Christ have already imploded, being bankrupt financially, scripturally, and spiritually. I can't speak about the Moravian Church, as I have had not had any dealings with that group, as most of those congregations are based in North Carolina, and Allentown/Bethlehem/Easton/Nazareth PA. I have a friend from high school who directs the Sunday School Orchestra at one of the United Methodist congregations in the area (the same congregation where my piano teacher from high school served as organist for the past 50 years). At least the United Methodist Church still have their heads screwed on straight, since the United Methodist Book of Discipline, which is the canon law of the United Methodist Church, still expressly prohibits the sanctification of same sex marriages, as well as prohibits the ordination of openly gay, lesbian, and bi-sexual clergy.

I did speak to our former organist yesterday afternoon. He's still pretty broken up on what happened to him. He sounded like he was drinking when I talked to him yesterday afternoon. I learned from him the leadership of my now former congregation told him they wanted to take the congregation in a different direction. I have had a hunch for quite sometime the leadership in the congregation have been wanting to eliminate the traditional worship services. With what I learned from him yesterday, that is definitely the case. In addition, both the assistant pastor and the youth pastor have now stated openly they will sanctify same sex marriage, and will not require any couple, whether they be gay or straight, to go through pastoral counseling before the service. In short, they intend to turn this congregation into a commercial wedding chapel, with the bishop's blessing, since the assistant pastor's husband, who is also a pastor, the the evangelism consultant in the bishop's office of the Lower Susquehanna Synod of the E?CA (which is how many of the critics of the ELCA now refer to this denomination.)

-6. I have little to no faith in most people. Humanity just seems like an ugly, buzzing swarm of self preoccupation. I'm one dot in an angry, poisonous swarm.

-6

Between bad and severely bad.

+8; ready for Anime Expo in Los Angeles!

_________________
LIONS-STAMPEDERS-ELKS-ROUGHRIDERS-BLUE BOMBERS-TIGER-CATS-ARGONAUTS-REDBLACKS-ALOUETTES

The Canadian Football League - What We're Made Of

Feel free to talk to me, if you wish.

Every day is a gift- cherish it!

"A true, true friend helps a friend in need."

negative 5.
first off, my dash/hyphen/whatever the hell it's called button is broken so i can't even do that properly.

kipro, she's completely, 100%, totally absolutely gone and you will just have to deal with it.
but i cant! it's not that she's not with me (well sometimes)
its that she never goes away!
i looked at her stuff today...all the randumb assorted papers she gave me.
i can't stop looking at the enormous amount of pictures, videos and the saved conversations we had, every time i do something i think "what would she think of this??" my fictional creations draw some inspiration from her...
i once watched a movie with her (it became my favorite, but for other reasons too), and now i made a pledge that i will never watch it again, unless its with her
wtf?
how do i stop being like this?
we stopped kinda talking over a year ago.
but last time i hung out with her was in march.
here's what i want to know.

her birthday is this month.
should i wish her happy birthday?

+3; a bit heartbroken, but I am trying to not let get to me.

_________________
LIONS-STAMPEDERS-ELKS-ROUGHRIDERS-BLUE BOMBERS-TIGER-CATS-ARGONAUTS-REDBLACKS-ALOUETTES

The Canadian Football League - What We're Made Of

Feel free to talk to me, if you wish.

Every day is a gift- cherish it!

"A true, true friend helps a friend in need."

+2. I just got paid at work today and ate good food, but my great-aunt died last night.

-9, due to my grandmother's cancer.

-7.

I am sad and afraid and miserable.

I have to act happy and capable. I have to do this convincingly.

What I really must do, is make myself happy with my lot, while never forgetting that what I am, is a disease. That I am totally, utterly, and completely invalid.

Believing that makes people sad and miserable. I must be happy.

Forcing myself to be happy makes me angry.

Why can't I have the same rights as other people?? If you cut me, should I not bleed??

Because I am not like other people. I am Asperger. I must not bleed on the carpet.

-10 No hope...

-2

-3 Holidays, I dread them all. Been having some embarrassing health issues lately, trying to get them straightened out. Still stuck inside purgatory, things are going so slow in my life right now. Maybe this will be the month.