scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

Post Reply New Topic

-4

-1 Feeling particularly on edge today with worse anxiety coming on, just popped a couple 5mg valium pills which are starting to kick in which is nice, it is a prescription that does come in handy.

I don't know.

-10

My parents are away for the night and I'm missing my mom very badly.

feeling like crap,been depressed for months which to people outside of self; presents as worsening severe challenging behavior and suicidal the past few days,the pyschiatrist isnt back for two weeks and the cymbalta has needed changing for months.

to many changes have been made to this care home recently,plus they keep putting on random waking night staff instead of finding the same staff.
hate this sht sometimes really hate it.

-5

-7

-6 meeting next teusday to go over the results of my assessment.

-2

Kinda anxious, have an appointment tomorrow. Haven't seen anybody in a pretty long time, not sure what to expect or how I will react or be able to express myself. I'm glad I'm finally doing it tho, I couldn't just stay sitting in limbo.

1#...have been feeling this way for a while though. I have so many worries and frustrations making me feel this bad that I don't know which one to worry about or be frustrated about more. I'm waiting in between appointments and it's horrible.

-6, would someone ever so kindly put me out of my misery? would make it easier and less painful to those I cared about if I got murdered rather than killing myself.

-9

Although I am feeling a little better from the stomach virus, it has left me unhappy. My fiancé offered to help me, but I told him no, because I didn't want to get him sick. It also didn't help that I had a nightmare about him last night. I wish I wasn't sick in the first place, or at all.

-3 a bit better than last time I posted in here....feel like kind of an idiot because I accidentally drank a little too much last night....should have kept in mind i'd be taking the bus back home that night, cops talked to me had mom come pick me up...so rather embarrassing then this morning she was acting like it was way more serious than it was asking if I thought I should go to the psych hospital. When it was just a case of I haven't really been drinking much at all and accidently over-did it...not like I went out all pissed off to go get drunk, and even the cop said I didn't do anything wrong just had to make sure I got somewhere safe or they could get fired if they had like left and then something happened I guess.

-7.

They want me to like myself.

Well, being able to like myself and having that be OK is pretty much totally contingent on NOT ACTING AUTISTIC. Not talking too much (or too little). Not being too happy, or too sad, or too neutral. Being horny at the right time and in the right way. Having a clean house. Reading other peoples' minds, and correctly anticipating their wishes. Doing what other people want how they want it done, instead of what I want how I want it done.

If I can do all these things, correctly, over 90% of the time, then I am doing a good job of coping with autism and it is OK for me to like myself.

If I do all of these things correctly, over 90% of the time, then there is no "myself" for me to like. I am not "me." I am an "other-people-gratifying-unit," which is not something that is expected of NTs.

They want me to like myself. They also want me to relax and stop being so uptight all the time and "just be myself."

They do not, cannot, understand that "just being myself" and "meeting the criteria for having permission to like myself" are mutually exclusive.

This is the essence of "autistic burnout," and NOBODY GETS IT. Nobody but us.

I would like to die.

If I could somehow take it and remain functional, I would like to go back on the goddamn risperidone. No feelings, no interests, no desires except the desire to sleep. Who I was, whatever that is, locked waaaaay down at the bottom of a well, and not coming back. EVER. A living, breathing, housecleaning doll, without thoughts or volition of her own. Cherry2000, man.

That's who I want to be-- a robot. Without feelings, hopes, goals, dreams, wishes, fears. I want to be what the media used to say we were (you know, before Adam Lanza came along and we went from being emotionless to being psychopaths).

I wish that God would hurry up and kill me.

-3. From multiple directions. Sometimes I wish the world would just go away for awhile.