scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-9
Ancient memories coming back in on a conveyer belt of sadness.

I posted a good status on facebook, and nobody commented on it or liked it....my brother shared it on his page cause he thought it was cool but he got likes for it and I didn't. Don't even see why I care, guess I just feel kinda crappy that apparently no one on my friends list even looks at my page and my statuses only get liked if my brother or someone else on my friends list shares it on their page

Don't even know why that is getting to me, so stupid...its just the internetz.

0
On the edge of something, can't tell if I just found a ledge to cling to, or have slipped off a safer ledge and am now about to fall.

0 - It's time like these where I might as well stick a knife in a vein and bleed to death on the floor. P.S. - I also hate Sundays

3. I need to... like... do stuff. But the sun is too strong outside, it's been draining my energy today. I need to manage 5 minutes of walking and just get in the lab and do some work. The socializing was fun today but now I'm sitting at home again and doing almost nothing and feeling meh.

-10, Relatively, that is what I feel like. I want to die. I want to kill myself. I want to be free of this stupid world. What am I good for anyway?

-3

-2, why must people care about me.....if it wasn't for those lingering humans I'd do what I should have succeeded at a long time ago. Afraid I will inadvertently push people away so no one cares or can deal with me so I can get on with it.

What the hell.....why am I thinking like that, can't hurt family/friends(not sure I have actual friends, maybe more just people I am friendly with who are friendly to me) but I am having difficulties dealing with how I feel.

-10

My grandmother asked me what I wanted to do with her father's WWI and immigration papers.

I said I'd be happy to have them, but I thought we could do something more meaningful than have them rot away in a shoebox on a messy bookshelf in my bedroom. I suggested donating them to the local historical museum.

She acted like she thought that was a great idea. OK. Cool.

No, not cool. She cried to my mother-in-law about how she guesses I don't care about my heritage (I do-- I love talking about it with her, have spent fruitless hours scouring Ancestry.com for any trace of anyone with her father's name or her mother's maiden name, have expressed repeatedly the hope that I live long enough to have a chance to visit San Giovanni en Fiore in North Italy and do some digging there).

So MIL goes off on me about how selfish and inconsiderate I am, how I may not care about my family but my kids might some day. I choke back tears, resist the desire to attempt to defend myself, and drive the van.

Put everyone to bed. Call my husband and tell him how upset I am, how I didn't realize I was doing a bad thing, how much I hate myself.

And he SCREAMS AT ME for bothering him that late (it was about 10:00; he's away on a business trip). SCREAMS AT ME for "demanding that the world reorder itself around my feelings." When I'm crying because I can't order myself around everyone else's feelings correctly 100% of the time. Calls me whiny and selfish and whole bunch of other stuff.

I'm done. Just done. Not that I'm dying, or leaving, or anything. I'm just completely finished with having any opinions, or any self-respect, or thinking that I should be allowed to. From now on, I think nothing, I say nothing that is not strictly necessary, I make no decisions, and as far as other people are concerned, I feel nothing.

What did I expect?? I'm f*****g autistic. It doesn't matter what I do-- If I cleaned the house, fixed a ten-course meal, put the kids to bed, served the meal, cleaned up afterwards, and gave him a blowjob, all without ever saying a word or letting the smile fall off my face, it would still be wrong.

If I had a wishing lamp, I'd wish myself back to 1997 and obey the urge I had then to kill myself.

-5 Not managing stress well lately. My mind is spinning constantly, which scares me, which fuels more spinning. Makes me wish I had a weighted blanket. Maybe then I could relax and sleep. Solid external structure to brace against the whirlwind lack of internal structure. Today is for a couch, a book, and maybe yin yoga...

Actually, I feel a little better after posting now. Guess I just needed to vent.

-3 wtf, So let me get this straight I have PTSD over a lockdown in highschool...so when certain triggers trigger me or whatever I feel like I'm reliving it so it feels like its likely I could end up dead(I mean its all in my mind, but it feels the same as when it actually happened and I had that concern even though obviously I'm not the one who got shot).....so yeah it freaks me out to say the least, yet somehow I still manage to feel suicidal....why when I am having one of these PTSD issues does that even freak me out if I already have thoughts of ending it myself.

The mind is a confusing place I guess.

-3
I guess negative three, but I sort of achieved a goal (not sure) I'd been wanting for two decades. My mind never sees the big picture, just all the dark swirling details of wrong and un-finished.

I'd say -2. Not very good. I'm worried about work, money, and everything else. I don't know how much longer I can take my hotel clerk job, but at the same time I'm terrified to make a change.