scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-3 therapists stress me out, but no meds is worse.

Negative 7. I've been having a canker sore inside my lip that's been getting more painful for the last couple days. I only got 4 hours of sleep because of pain & I'm afraid to eat or even drink water because it burns really badly. I developed a 2nd one yesterday or day before that's also inside my lip on the same side but on my bottom lip instead of my top like the real bad one is. I've been having the bad one for a few days before the 2nd appeared & have been avoiding eating on that side of my mouth so I highly doubt I got them from biting my lip or anything. At least the 2nd only burned alittle yesterday compared to the 1st. I think I may have a sinus infection due to mold too which maybe caused the canker sores. The sores aren't bothering me at the moment thou & I feel pretty OK at this moment except for being tired from only 4 hours sleep but I really wish I had some Oxycodone to take before eating because Aleve, Tylenol & Aspirin does absolutely NOTHING to help the pain. My girlfriend has an routine appointment with our doc tomorrow & I think I should make one myself & maybe I'll take one of the Tramadol's she tried for back pain a while ago so I can sleep tonight.

-11

On top of missing my fiancee like crazy, this is the second night in a row where I come home to my family chewing me out, and when I defend myself, they don't back down. I feel like a damn pissant. I was minding my own business working on a project for my car, and wouldn't you know it, my Mom starts telling me that I've got to stop working on my car. Excuse me? I've been doing exactly that for the past week, I mean when AM I allowed to work on it, never?!?! This whole thing infuriates me, and then she tells me I have to start cleaning my room, finish my floor, etc. etc. nag nag complain complain things escalate like they always do and she blames my medication as usual. I'll bet tomorrow it'll be to "stop buying so much stuff" when my blinds arrive when she asked me to get them in the first place!

I swear, if I could just chop off my portion of the house and garage and move it to Akron where I work, life would be SO much easier and happier

All it is that they want is money, that's all.

0. One kid has my mild autism, but has come so far and matured so much. I'm worried about the other, who has my anxiety issues. Hopefully with a lot of hugs and talking things through, he won't be so plagued with it in the future. I just want them to be secure in themselves and happy.

-5 theres like no places that will meet with me to give me adhd meds. they either aren't taking new customers or only treat children :'(

guess its my fault for not wanting to take drugs until the problems pilled up and became too much.

0, ok....but still feeling kinda crappy about a stupid PTSD sort of issue I had yesterday, something about ending up curled up on the ground, shaking uncontrollably and in my mind trying to tell myself 'come on' stay here as I felt like I my brain was trying to disassociate itself, for no other reason than being on edge and happening to hear a sudden noise....really just does not do much for any remaining will to live i have left let alone self esteem.


I mean seriously screw that crap, it sucks.

+3,-3,+3. Glad to get this ball rolling. Scared about going to court today in a town I've never been, and having no idea what to expect.

-2 Not really interested in doing anything right now, might take weeks and weeks for prozac aka fukitol to wear off. Switched to lexapro, much more stimulating and less boredom-inducing. You know what that means! I feel stalky.

-10

I wish I wasn't an adult right now.

-8.

I really just want to die. I'm not suicidal, I just want a visit from the Sudden Death Fairy.

I am constantly encouraged to "be myself" and "follow my passions" and "be honest about how I feel."

And, when I do these things, I am berated. I cannot be upset. I must say, in a perfectly neutral tone of voice, "I feel upset because ________." And then I must dutifully say, "Thank you for comforting me" and appear to be comforted by whatever is said. I cannot be discouraged. I must say, "I am feeling discouraged because __________________." Follow routine.

This sounds great in a parenting book, but I have never actually met a person (other than a sociopath) who "shows their feelings" in this manner. My husband, who wants this, certainly doesn't. He just grumps and yells and berates, and then by way of apology says, "I had a bad day at work."

"Follow my passions." Yeah. Doing so gets me criticized for being selfish (and it's not as if I am neglecting the housework or the kids-- but realistically, sometimes you have to tell them to entertain themselves and stop fighting. Obviously you drop what you're doing if they're crying and you don't know why, or you hear a thump, or they're too quiet, but sometimes the correct response to "MOOOOM!!" IS "I will help you when the timer rings." I tried jumping to every whim-- for YEARS-- and that garnered spoiled brats with no impulse control).

He wants me to "be myself." No, he wants me to be an NT version of myself. After all these years, and the nervous breakdown, and the drugs, and the counselling, he STILL DOES NOT GET that doing that takes an ENORMOUS amount of effort, and that I am not going to accomplish it and still be bubbly and outgoing and cheerful and laughing. I can do it, but "withdrawn" and "robotic" and "always a little bit sad" and "constantly tense" is going to be as good as it gets.

I am so tired of this roundabout. I really need enough antidepressants for anhedonia and total flattening of affect to be the norm, and I need to resign myself to that being my life.

Just like his mother did.

+10 -- Alex just posted in my thread and it wasn't to scold me or anything like it usually is on other forums! Woo hoo!

0
Humanity still disappoints quite often, but why do I expect differently?

-2

-6 Flashbacks, anger, bad memories, depression, anxiety, uncertainty, the works.