Rants

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I don't like my body, it doesn't go together well with my brain. Or at least my breasts don't. They are too big. Some people seem to think they know what I like and what I want just by looking at my tits. I met that kind of person a short while ago and I got sad and ashamed. I hated being a biological woman for a moment. I felt like every (straight) guy sees me like that, only as a body, or body parts, some bumps and holes. I hate that feeling.

I don't mind if someone likes to look at my tits. Commenting is another thing, and touching (the latter didn't happen this time but my breasts have been touched before without my permission). And thinking that they know me just by looking at me, that they don't have to listen to me, my curves can tell them everything that's significant about me.

Well, maybe that's not my body's fault, it's their fault, and this culture's fault. I'm still ashamed, for no good reason, of course. In my teens it was quite difficult for me to accept my body and its femininity. At some point I got really anxious and I had a strange fear that I was going to lose myself, disappear somehow. That feeling was very haunting and it lasted for a few years. My psychiatrist said it was some kind of defense mechanism, that my brain had a creative way to help me survive something threatening. I started to get better when I finally accepted I'm not straight. At the same time it got easier for me to accept my body and its femininity. Unpleasant comments (like the ones I heard a short while ago) are just a small setback and I'll probably get over them pretty soon. They still made me feel weak and hurt. Sometimes there just seem to be so many things in my personality and my very existence I feel so ashamed of that I just can't stand it. I need to forget all this.

EDIT: Now that I think about it, commenting is ok too if the comments aren't rude or annoyingly heteronormative. Touching is ok only with my permission.

So apparently potential employers can't even be bothered to reply to emails about volunteer work. It's driving me f*****g crazy. I'm trying to get a job, trying to at least have something to do with my time but no one EVER gets back to me. Why is this? Do they have some sort of Asperger's detection software in emails? I'm trying to volunteer at a f*****g psychiatric hospital, for crying out loud, you would have thought they would need all the volunteers they can get!
My girlfriend is the only thing motivating me these days. If I lose her I'm f****d.

Telephones calls from relatives. I hate them. Either I don't answer them, amd they get all ticked off at me or I do answer them and I have to listen to hyperbole and polemics about the topic du jour. i end up frantically pacing the house, trying to spin off the weird energy that piles up inside me listening to these people. I know they're lying about money, but they think it's justified, and there's nothing I can do to get the truth anyway. They ask all manner of intrusive questions, which catches me off-guard. So no matter how I tell myself ahead of time that I'm not going to disclose much information about my life, I always say too much, and then whatever 'it' is becomes a point they can critically analyze my life and that of my kids. "What do you have if you don't have family?", this is the guilt trip that gets laid on me like a hair-shirt. When someone gives you a gift that isn't for your birthday or A Holiday and you didn't ask them to give you that something, whatever it is, that a nicely written politely appreciative thank you note should be sufficient. I do like the 'x' (thing they gave me) and it is cool they made it themselves, but I did not ask for it, and am not obliged to be gushingly obsequious.

just got back from Zaxby's, had cards to get a meal deal and also 1 free nibbler, the damn girl that waited on me thought she could cheat me and get away with it. I am pissed off. I had to get a manager, of course. I am so sick and tired of this BS. Do I have a face that says, "Screw with this guy"? I am tired of it!

My grandmother talks about "those awful lesbians" as if there's something wrong with being a lesbian. She seems to think of them in the same way as she thinks of paedophiles, as if they should be locked up because they're a danger to society. She's a narrow minded idiot.

Why are people so barbaric? Two drunken people were having a brawl tonight in front of my checkout at the place where I work. The other staff were in the back and all I could do was watch one guy knock the other guy to the ground in a flurry of punches. He deserved it though since he started the fight in the first place, for no reason at all. The old '"what have you been saying about me" nonsense. I'm still feeling a little anxious from the whole incident. There's something about physical violence that repels me. Not in video games but when it's real and in front of you. It was awful.

Tonight, my mom yelled at me because she claims that she does all the work around the house. EXCUSE ME!? I help out around the house too! I wash dishes, clean the litter box, and help with laundry. I also make sure my room is clean, which was why my mom yelled at me. Part of it was her fault; if she hadn't given me so many clothes to put away, I wouldn't have this problem, and I have too small of a room. Also, my cat likes to pull down the curtains in my room, making it worse. I get that my mom has rough days, but that is no reason to take it out on me. Hot damn!

My upstairs neighbors made so much damn noise this evening that I had finally had enough. So tomorrow, their asses are getting reported, and I really don't give a damn if they get thrown out, I am sick and tired of their crap, they've being making noise for the six months me and my mom have lived in this apartment!

Bf and I broke up. Ok that's okay because of several big, big problems. I feel sort of strange but kind of ok.

I'd be MORE ok with it if people wouldn't respond in such a ret*d way! I was single for like 5 minutes and then this guy I hardly ever spoke to before starts hitting on me in such a cheap way. Another guy was just happily talking about his gf and how happy they are and that she wants to ''convert'' him to her football club. He didn't seem to have any clue about whether that's a good idea.

And that it's such a shame for me that he has a girlfriend. o_O ''Cheering me up'' was what he called it.

I get to see a side of people which just makes me think ''wtf....''

I apparently don't understand tact and social interaction (I have diagnosis) but I wouldn't pull something off like these people did.

How on earth. And their reactions piss me off more than the ''actual problem''.

HAH, my Skype avatar now!

Okay, maybe not. Life is just a bad comedy sometimes.

NEGATIVE PEOPLE ARE THE PLAQUE OF THE WORLD. I hate negativity so much because it passes around like a plaque and makes everyone feel like s**t. People don't deserve it and if you throw s**t at other people, you are just going to get s**t thrown back at you. GUARANTEED.

I hope we made you feel horrible and guilty. You'll never see a smile from me again.

You know, and I can't believe that I'm saying this now - I actually agree with MathGirl. I used to be one of those negative, complaining about everything kind of people (not emo, but more of a "Debbie Downer"), and what did it get me? Nothing but emotional pain, and causing others to feel the same way; and loneliness. I can only quote Milton on this: "That with reiterated crimes he might heap upon himself damnation, while he sought evil to others". It is true that negativity is not a crime, but it does make others feel angered, sad or just bad in general. I am negative some of the time now, and have been working on at least pacifying those feelings by rationalizing them out. Clearly, I am far from perfect, but isn't that the point of living - to become the best and most helpful person that you can? I don't know...All that I know that ten years ago, I would have argued and raged at those "happy, everything is all right positive people."

What helps me is music, and time to myself to reflect on whether it really is necessary to be so angry or sad...most of the time it isn't, but when it is (and yes, sometimes it is), music helps, doing something you enjoy helps (if you don't enjoy anything, then time to see a psychologist - please, take it from someone who has been there - I have anxiety and major depression), or watching something funny on youtube or T.V. helps. Or if you have a friend or family, talk to them about it.

Even though the title of this post is umadbro, I swear to God that I am not trolling. I have been there and smashed a computer, thrown every math book once or twice, and other stuff. Still, I do think it is healthy to write down rants...but maybe in a journal safely locked away? Again, only an opinion. I mean no harm to anyone. I have more than this website can hold to rant about, but it really isn't worth it. I'll just try to be the best I can.

I seriously hate when my sister cries over sewing! She thinks that she will improve if she tries to sew clothes by herself, but she just isn't getting better at it. She came to me and told me about it. And knowing for the fact that nothing optimistic I say to her is going to help her out, I just decided to tell her that sewing probably isn't her thing. I dunno, I had to say something otherwise she wouldn't leave me alone. I know, it's not helpful and all, but what the hay am I supposed to do about it? I'm not some miracle who can just grant things that people come to me for. I'm not even magic.
Now this kind of discussion between me and my sister has been made before. She has to have help from a professional. She never listens to us. I seriously wish my sister could just try to do something she actually CAN do without the need of professional help much.