scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

Post Reply New Topic

-2. I'm slightly worried that my apathy will just get worse and turn into severe depression.

Like I am going to try to kick some ass in League of Legends, an online computer game lol.

-3, yet more s**t flinging between my father and sister while i was changing in my room, nothing i could escape given the small size of my room and how the only door leads to the yard and it connects directly to the kitchen. i did not hear much as i soon absconded to the backyard but i recognized my sister, sounding very teary and exasperated telling him how she makes him feel like s**t, and how she makes her feel like s**t because she doesn't follow his orders on. the. dot. but obviously, it's "never his fault."
she does nothing but badmouth him and i understand how she feels, but i don't think i am brave enough to confront him. he's gone physical on me before a bit and i am not willing to risk any humiliation just because i decided to call him out on things.
all three of us, sister, dad and i have gotten into a big fight often nothing more than...the use of the word f**k? he is the irresponsible hypocritical kind, he was in my room right now chatting to some lady and threw the f word and other so called obscenities around where he knew i could hear wide and clear.

and when we say it he nearly bursts a capillary haranguing us two about one stupid word and how he will smash our phones if he catches us using the word again. it was on my sisters instagram. i don't have one, the banality of it all nearly makes my head cave in like wall arch. or maybe it's just who my sister follows) i can swear i heard him say it pretty clear the day before that or just that same day. probbaly a pointless thing to be whining about but it's the principle that matters, show us, don't tell us please. no amount of raised voices will counter what you teach by doing stupid things in front of other people.

i try to talk to him about things but all he does is make clear exasperated sounds and whine about himself..."why me..why me...", "the struggle".
me may do some favors for me but not without a reasonable amount of guilt tripping first. right now i don't see many downsided to independent living that aren't related to expenses. i guess i'll miss my dog.


.........wednesday already?? hm...

Sorry to hear that Kip, parents sure can be such hypocritical dweebs. I left home when I was 20, and never regretted it afterwards. Indeed, there are no many downsides to independent living! Personally I'd rather be homeless than go through THAT again.

-2. It's just one of those days when sh#t happens, but it's still annoying and discouraging.

Made it to the auto parts store. And the grocery. For 15 items.

And it took EVERYTHING I HAD. EVERYTHING. I barely got out of the grocery store without puking. Stuffed the kids in the van and sat there shaking and rocking, waiting to be calm enough to drive.

And then what happens?? Husband calls. And I start crying, and I tell him what's happening, and I ask for some compassion.

And he yells at me. Yells at me for being anxious, yells at me for being sad, yells at me for having agoraphobia, yells at me for having to constantly monitor the minutiae of my behavior ("Am I walking right?" "Is my voice too loud?" "Do I smell? Do I smell?" "Am I accidentally looking at another shopper too long??" "Did I accidentally make eye contact with that person?" "Is my cart too close to her cart??" "Am I smiling enough?? Too much??") in order to feel that I can be sure that I am not "acting like I have autism."

Yells that I CHOOSE to do this, and I WANT to do this, and I can CHOOSE to stop.

WHY in the HELL would ANYONE choose to live like this???? I would give ANYTHING-- I would have to stop and think before refusing to give the life of one of my KIDS-- for this f*****g disease to be lifted from me so I COULD "choose to stop." I would give ANYTHING for that to be an option.

I HATE HIM. I HATE ME. I HATE MOTHERFUCKING AUTISM. I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN.

^^^ <<hugs>>

0 pulled in two directions. Feeling down, yet realizing everything is relative. I'm always grateful for what I have.

You know, I've tried really, really, really hard NOT to research OCD. Because I don't want to end up with "viral OCD." You know, the kind you "catch" from Google.

But I'm pretty damn sure I have, at this point, developed clinically significant symptoms of "primarily obsessional OCD." It feels like it fits as well as Asperger's.

Greeeeeeaaaaaat. Wonderful.

Is that better or worse than PTSD??

I would like to like myself.

Unfortunately, any attempt to like myself causes extreme anxiety to boil up.

I would like to assert myself.

Unfortunately, any attempt to assert myself causes extreme anxiety to boil up, autism to rear it's ugly head, and me to get yelled at. Why should I exert the energy to assert, when all it means is that I am then going to have to expend the energy to defuse the argument and the energy to force myself to politely back down??

I would like to be honest about how I am feeling.

Unfortunately, any attempt to be honest about negative emotions (I have A LOT OF THEM) results in me getting screamed at, invalidated, and threatened with abandonment and/or violence.

Sudden heart failure runs in my family. If I leave out a saucer of milk, will the Mortality Fairy come and take me away????

-2

Frusterated, was going to a concert but it was sold out, so came home went outside which my moms boyfriend saw to smoke a cigarette and he locked the door on me so i had to knock to get in so he asked why I didn't use the key outback in one of those rock looking key hiders(its been missing for months I have no idea why or how and I have only told him this 50 times and he still asks me that every time....its like dude go get one and put it there otherwise live with I will have to knock if I forgot my key and all the windows are locked). So then my brother called and wanted me to bring him work clothes because he got short on time so I did that even though I wasn't all that up for walking there....then I got home had brought my key so go inside...let the dogs I am currently watching outside, someone left the outside get open so they got out so I was calling for them outside in the cold in my pajamas and when I tried to go in to get warmer clothes I was locked out and of course didn't remember to bring a damn key was just thinking about the dogs.....so had to knock and it was taking forever for anyone to come so I knocked loud so then my mom came and screamed at me about how 'this needs to stop' me having to get in the house and not having a key totally ignoring I just was trying to let the dogs out to pee, they got away and I was outside in my pajamas calling for them clearly somewhat distressed and all she could do is yell and ignore the actual situation at hand.....so not sure if I should pack a bag and go homeless or what because I cannot take the constant nagging, yelling, criticize for essentially any move I make or any stupid little mistake.

+1, drinking a couple beers, getting ready to do some cleaning if I can get to it....lol actually started the day with a beer since I was drinking one last night and went to bed after a couple sips so decided to finish it when I woke up. It was still just as bubbly just not as cold, but this beer tastes great even when its not cold.

Minus one trillion

I feel like I messed up today. We have been having bee problems for about a while now, and were considering calling the exterminator today or tomorrow to get rid of them. I'll be home today, but I am very poor with my social skills, and am afraid of what will come out of my mouth. My fiancé's sister will be home tomorrow, but my fiancé wants the bees gone ASAP.

Also, I have trouble deciding which pastor at my church will baptise me. Why wasn't I baptised as a baby, you ask? Because my father was a f***ing atheist and wouldn't allow it. My fiancé and I tried to see which pastor was available, and were told there were three to choose from. My brain can't always process these things quickly, and it can be very frustrating. I just wish my a**hole father would let me get baptised as a baby so I wouldn't have to make these decisions.

E:

Bah, I'm an emo fag.

-2

I have an appointment tomorrow for medication, I kind of dread it since I don't like talking about my problems but more so because I feel like I have to walk a tightrope so they don't think I'm seeking drugs to get f****d up on. I'm not so I shouldn't be worried but I very self conscious when it comes to what their impression of me is, they had me do a blood test and a piss test in between my last appointment and this one so hopefully that will clear things up a bit and make it easier for me to be more open about what I want. I'm suppose to restart Voc Rehab and I think the pressure of it is starting to weigh on me, I want to work because I want to support myself but whether or not I'm capable is another question. I've withdrawn and put so little pressure on myself for years that now when I'm finally trying to do something all those issues that caused me to essentially drop out of school are resurfacing. I feel sh***y and hopeless about the whole situation, even if I can put up the act long enough to get a job how long could I maintain myself before having a meltdown and finding myself right back where I started. It has to be hard to go out and do the things a functioning human being does everyday when you aren't one, it just feels like even if I'm able to push myself to this next level that I wouldn't be able to deal with that much better either, it doesn't seem like it will ever get easier and that I will crack under pressure.

Stupid about the last thread I posted in here....feel like it makes people think I'm just a jerk that gets drunk and yells at people when it was more I ended up in an argument with my mom as I have been really stressed(had happened to have drank a bit earlier with friends), and we talked the next day and it was all fine. But I feel nonetheless the initial wording in that post of mine and what not probably makes me seem like a very unappealing person to exist.