scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-6

I resorted to self-injury last Friday. This was after days of obsessing and ruminating about making amends with someone that I had a bitter conflict with a few months ago. I said hateful things to her and we haven't spoken since the incident. I've struggled with severe guilt over the incident for the past three months. I almost lost a friend over this incident.

Friday night I just kept on saying to myself how horrible I am and I deserve the punishment I'm getting. Then I started taking my anger out on myself physically.

Things appear to be better with that woman I had the conflict with but she didn't pay much sympathy when I expressed how deeply the fight affected me and how depressed I am. I still feel unresolved and quite bitter (more than my usual). I really wanted a "sorry let's be friends again" moment out our meeting but didn't get that and most likely won't get it.

All I think about is how much of a bad person I am and how I need a chorus of people angrily telling me what my character flaws are and how I've failed as a human being. I thought I was a confident, competent person but in truth, I've been faking it. I desperately want to be liked but from my view there is not much to be likable.

No idea why people think struggle makes you a better person or some other nonsense.

Hell, all I see are mental and physical pain from such. The more struggle, the more of one and/or the other (usually both).

At a -3, writing and music is really the only thing making me feel okay right now. I just don't feel like dealing with life issues.

+3 I guess I can't keep blaming OCD/General Anxiety/PTSD or whatever it is I felt towards keeping myself down. It is not easy, but its how I have to move forward.

5. Meh

Quit trying to put numbers on it.

If I'm not panicked, I guess it's about a -3 to -5.

What is the point of becoming knowledgeable, thinking hard, and investing hours in trying to understand if NOBODY LISTENS????

What is the point of trying to communicate if people don't want to hear????

What is the point of asking for help if reaching out only piles an argument on top of stress, worry, exhaustion, and fear????

What is the point of trying to cope with a life in which negative, painful emotions and messy stuff are just A FACT if all they want is a hot dinner, a smooth schedule, small talk, and a smile????

+1 feeling like I'm standing on a preciface and gathering courage to leap. I will make it through stronger, but it's scary and sad right now. I mourn the loss of who I am as that changes through time, I guess.

Does it even matter? I see death as an absolute. Perhaps that's why I cling moment to moment. I want to gather them up and keep them near--all those important moments...

Tried to explain executive function deficits to my husband and mother in law (who both have them) last night.

Husband: "He just needs to toughen up." "You just want to drug him into a zombie." No, Honey, that's what YOU did to ME because it meant that you didn't have to deal with me being sad and scared and angry. We're not discussing Risperdal here. Actually, we're discussing ANTI-RISPERDAL.

MIL: "So he's not very smart. You can't expect good performance from him."

Both: "What do you want us to do about it??" "Stop making excuses for him."

NO. I DON'T. I want his little brain to have the neurochemicals it needs to perform the processes necessary to do the work that is expected of him. No, frankly, given that the child is already anxious and that a history of sudden cardiac arrest runs in my family, medicating his ADHD scares the s**t out of me. But I see ALL the signs that it is what is needed.

I am SO SICK of being the stupid, paranoid, whiny excuse-maker that no one listens to. I am SO SICK of "be perfect or shut up." I HATE BEING TREATED LIKE I'M STUPID WHEN I AM THE ONE WHO BIRD-DOGGED THE PROBLEM, I AM THE ONE WHO'S DONE THE RESEARCH, I AM THE ONE WHO HAS ASKED THE QUESTIONS, AND I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TO FIX IT.

It's not that I want credit. I am doing my job, nothing more. You don't get a medal for doing your job.

But it makes me sick that I am a bad person for not wanting my child to suffer any more than he has to.

They say I don't have to be perfect, that "good enough" is good enough.

What I cannot get them to understand is that, while I don't have to be perfect, "good enough" means "typical." I can make mistakes if I make typical mistakes. I can show sadness and anger and fear if I show them in typical ways. I can stick my foot in my mouth if I do it like typical people do it.

I will never be typical.

Therefore I will never be "good enough."

I am SO. DAMN. TIRED.

Like today is going to be a long day....should probably get dressed. No work or anything just have to try and help my dad and his friend find a motel or something for the night, can try and internet search and what not...but yeah if it was just my dad my brother could probably hook it up where he works but my dads friend can be rather angsty which could put my brothers job in jeopardy if they got a room through him so cannot be having that.

+something

I know it's all going to fall apart again on Tuesday.

But I babysat someone else's kids yesterday, and it went fine.

I went to a barbeque at my kids' friends' parents' house last night, and I made small talk with other grownups, and it went fine.

I sold popcorn in front of WalMart for my son's Cub Scout troop for two and a half hours. I even dressed up as a stick of butter and smiled and waved at people. I stood there yelling, "It's good popcorn for a great cause!!" I did not get hauled away by the cops. Bad things did not happen. I hope the other moms still speak to me at the next meeting (THEY were all sitting in chairs while their perfectly normal kids who do not need their mothers standing there beside them going, "If I can do it, you can do it" and constantly redirecting them in order to actually sell popcorn instead of walking around touching stuff and literally bouncing off the wall sold popcorn), but at this juncture I'm pretty f*****g proud of myself.

-4

Struggling with my own depressive stuff, plus my dog died yesterday. Bitten by a snake

Someone quit work today. The Squid is covering for them... again. -2 pts.
Lost our two days off this week -3 pts.
Expecting larger paycheck as result of overtime from the last three weeks. +5 pts.
Remembered to bring our squid hat to work today +1 pts.
Ate a Gyro before going to work today +2 pts.
Got to spend three hours this morning playing Minecraft (TM) +2 pts.
Out of clean clothes to wear. Must stay up later tomorrow -2 pts.
Might have a fellow squid come to our burrow tomorrow to couch-play spelunky + or - 4 pts.
Gathered and measured our squidly beard to reach just above our belly button +200 pts.
Could not obtain all points awarded from previous list item due to hard-cap. -1 pts.

Our calculations put us at a +9!

On top of everything, too much socializing this weekend and I ground my teeth a lot. Now I have the mother of all toothaches. I can't close my mouth. Vibrations from walking are excruciating. It's not abcessed, not even a cavity, but it HURTS LIKE MOTHERFUCKING HELL. My 5 year old does not understand "My jaw hurts so much I want to rip my face off."

5, A bit of mixed beween mild, and angry.

Like taking a knife and ripping my throat open