Rants

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I was called overweight today. To put this into perspective I am currently 51kgs and 170cm tall. My boyfriend is a jerk, he forced me onto the "keto" diet about a couple of months ago because he was self conscious about his appearance. So if he's fat, I must be fat too and be shamed about the way I look! He's been calling me fat ever since.

I grew up with a positive body image despite having the lowest self confidence in the world, I was the envy of my sisters and my friends who were amazed at how I could scoff down two caramel slices and not get fat. I realize as I get older my metabolism is slowing down and it is easier to get fat. He wasn't always so demeaning, he once thought I was the most beautiful woman in existence. That's changed, despite his attempts at trying to make me feel like a whale I still think I am beautiful and always put an effort to dress nicely, fix my hair and put on makeup. He wants me to be 44 kg, have a big ass.........grrr I am not a pornstar!

I used to be as low as 42kg a year ago and since putting on weight I've been told I look so much better. I don't want to go back and I don't want to feel unhappy.

Doctor's offices really need to think about the appropriate spacing for the paperwork they give patients to fill out. I was filling out one, and the question was, "What are your main concerns you would like to see addressed during today's visit?" My answer? "How little space is provided for answering this question." On the opposite page, they ask for a list of any medications I'm taking. THE ENTIRE EFFING PAGE IS JUST SPACE FOR LISTING MY MEDS! First, why wasn't more space provided for the first question? Second.... if you REALLY need all that space for listing all the meds you're currently taking, how are you not in the ICU?

Well, it happened. I'm 40 now as of last Wednesday. I don't feel like I'm 40. And I'm still not totally independent. I still can't cook or manage a checkbook...I have trouble cleaning my house even though eventually, it does get done. And still...no girlfriend. Not that I was expecting that, but one would think by now, one might have a first girlfriend? Even though my parents and sister love me, I'm still a burden to them. If I could just get my act together...oh well. Middle age sucks. I am grateful though that I still have the rest of my life though and a loving family.

This is for rant posts so I'll try to rant one last time and see if I could get all of this off my chest so I can keep my urge in control to bother and annoy people with my negativity, be it "only" on the Internet, in front of the whole world, ever again...

I'm so sick of my self loathing, self-mockery, apathy, irrational hatred of people just because I'm in the same place as they are but don't even know their names, not being able to let go of things that can't be changed, inability to do anything "correctly" by society's standards and honestly, not even having the desire to. Even thinking about socialising makes me sick to my stomach. Not knowing what to say to people.

All I see is all of life being about genes, whose genes are going to continue this pointlessness in this hopeless world.

People have always hated me, my parents didn't want me in the first place so my existence ruined their youth and they ruined mine, even my elementary school teacher said some nasty things to me, I was bullied by other kids at school and they would say things like "why is that creep staring?", so how am I supposed to grow up even wanting to socialise with people?

I have a degree in something that I love but it's useless because of my inability to network and people not liking me, student loans haunting me. All the jobs I've had in my life made me suicidal, being put down by other coworkers and because socialising being extraordinarily exhausting to me. I just want to be alone but that ain't how society works.

But most importantly... F*** the mental death "professional" who LIED about me being violent! F*** YOU! YOU KNOW DAMN SURE THAT I WAS NOT! YOU LIED TO JUSTIFY FORCED MEDICATION! I FOUND OTHER LIES IN MY PAPERS TOO, HOW DARE YOU PEOPLE?? AND THE SHRINK WHO DIAGNOSED ME, YOU SEEMED TO GET SOME SADISTIC PLEASURE OF FRAUDULENTLY DIAGNOSING ME BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO EVEN TRY TO UNDERSTAND MY POINT OF VIEW! IT WAS LIKE, YOU WANTED TO "PUNISH" ME, BUT WHY? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!! And the shrink who drugged me with zyprexa when I was underage and didn't even tell me about what I was drugged with at the time... f*** you too

I'm so annoyed by myself being annoyed.

I haven't got the strength to rant today but I'll let you know when I have.

Leave me the f*ck alone.

I told you to leave how many times, leave me the hell alone already.

I had my chipped tooth recontructed yeasterday and now I'm in hell because of it.

I've been used since the age 9 to missing part of a tooth and now that I have it back is f*****g hard for me to eat my food and get used to it.

I hope I'm going to get used to it soon because I can't tolerate all this.

I feel like everyday is a torture. The day that I know my disability in fitting any team work and any close encounter of people, I know my life is done. My current new job is killing me in a way that I have made everything wrong by not asking people for solution, but I lack ability to ask the correct questions. I am f*****g ret*d.
How is there any way to have a good life? How long can I get through this depressive period. It's already two months, but it feels like going through the black tunnel forever.
I have already spreading too much negativity to people around me, and skewed up every task in daily life. God help me!!

I'm stuck in an armchair with my leg in a bloody cast for who knows how long, it's f*****g hot outside and I can't sleep or go for a walk. I'm getting grumpy and restless but I'm too tired to do anything than hang around here. Grrrr... another two weeks like this and I'll lose my mind.

I posted on tumblr, asking where I could stream the live announcement of the next actor to play The Doctor, because I cannot watch it on TV. What does someone reply with? "It's on ABC1 at 4am".

Why are people so stupid?

Annoying is being expected to be some kind of mindreader. Annoying is an inability to actually communicate. Annoying is twisting things to a more flattering view for yourself. Annoying is not leaving well enough alone when you should have. Annoying is someone who chases random carrots out of boredom.

No hard feelings, but go f--- yourself.

I have f****d up my life and I am f****d up. I am a pathetic specimen. I look at myself with disgust. No wonder no-one wants to sleep with me. I would make myself sick if I had to sleep with me. I wish my parents would stop loving me so I could do the honourable thing.

My wife is in the hospital and I'm worried sick