Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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Dear you,

I tried. I really did. Which wasn't my job. You betrayed me, you left me for dead, you gave them the ammo to attack me. I chased you, tried to catch you, you spit on me, blocked me, hung up on me, called me a stalker. You knew it wasn't true, but that made it easier for you. So I left. After 4-5 years of trying to fix a friendship that should've never been broken, I just left. I was tired of it. And you came back years later after our mutual friend's funeral, and you "apologized." But an apology means nothing if nothing changes, I'm still at arms length. You came to my graduation party. That was it. No calls, no texts, and your too scared to write on my Facebook wall. I understand your friends with my enemies, and your just terrified that they could see you interacting with me. Just like you were to scared to come to me at the funeral because they were there. And the other night when I finally realized that I wasn't lying about all of the things that were happening to me, and most of everything my my aspergers? You just ignored me.

You are not a friend. Your a selfish coward.
The only reason you ever "cared" in highschool is because you had a crush on me.
p.s. My pain is real, yours has always been self inflicted.

Dear you:

I'm very impressed with you tonight. You've decided to have tea instead of buying an energy drink for tonight. You're also relaxing to The Kinks, instead of pumping yourself up with YouTube. Saturday night isn't about energy drinks and pumping yourself up. It's about relaxing to your favourite music for a few hours, starting off with a hot tea.

Mick

Dear

Just because I dont know what to say when you sad dosent mean that Im not there for you. You cut me to the quick when you said that I was poor suport with the loss of you're father. A man that I held in the highest regard as he were my own. I wish I could expess my self better then I could dispell the notions that I have no emotions. At the rate its going between here and work I dare say that I cant last mentaly much longer, but sill dont know how to say it. Some times feel that you would have been better off with out me and I with out you. Cant you see that you're pushing me to an early grave. Thing must change before the only way out for me leaves me cold to the touch. You should know that the kids are the only reason Im still here on more than one level. Even if I couldnt take it, you are completely incapable of taking care of them, so I cant leave. I cant leave I cant stay what a life what travisties to nature are we two.

Dear You,

You left. I know I'd already left you, so there wasn't much to leave, but then you left. I wasn't expecting it and I didn't even understand it until some days afterwards. I wish you were less ambiguous in how you communicate, because that was one of the things that drove me away in the first place.

You scared me. I didn't know how to deal with you. But what surprises me now is just how little loss I feel.

Honestly, I feel liberated.

But I do still miss you, sometimes. Or us, when we had a good day. It seems like there was so much there and now it's just... turned to a nothingness. Do you still have what I gave you? I have no such thing to remember you by.

And I still don't know if I'm a horrible person or not.

Me.

Dear you,
YOU.
No way.
Love, Me

dear god,
i dont really believe in you but thank you for 2010 anyway.
from me

To The First Guy I Ever Loved,

I loved you, as much as I could have. I was naive, I was stupid, I didn't know any better. Emotionally, I wasn't ready for what you would do to me and I hurt every day because of it. I can't trust my husband, though the man has never raised his voice to me a single time and wouldn't dream of raising his hand to me. The way you did. I'm sorry you felt the need to make yourself feel better by violating me. Repeatedly. I wasn't ready. I didn't know what I was doing that first time. I felt more stupid and ashamed when I found out about your friend in the next room and what he was doing to the sounds of my soul being torn for the first time. I have regretted it every day of my life for the past 12 years. My heart was violated, my body was broken, my eyes teared up and my soul cried out. You never stopped. You never cared to love me back. How many other girls did you sleep with while you were raping me? How many other broken bodies and violated hearts did you leave in your wake? When I cried, you yelled louder. You made impossible rules and expected me to follow them exactly as described. We were kids, but you treated me like a slave. You didn't know my soul was already fragile from molestations, sexual harassment and abandonment. Or maybe you did? Maybe you played it to your advantage? I don't know. I wish I could say I don't care, but I can't lie.

I loved you, as stupid as it was to do. I didn't know what I was doing. I was naive, and you played that to your advantage. It's your fault I lost my way when you finally left me for that slut. It's your fault that I was an alcoholic at the age of 17. It's your fault I bounced from one relationship to another without ever getting to know myself. It's your fault I can't truly trust my husband or have friends. You violated a part of my soul that I don't believe even God himself can fix. My husband is a real man and because of you, I can't be his real woman. I can't love myself because of you. I don't think I'm beautiful. I don't think I'm smart. I don't think I'm worth more than dirt. I feel guilty for wanting to have sex with my husband. I feel dirty for wanting to express my desires to him and with him and for him. It's your fault. You broke a piece of my soul and I don't know how to fix it.

I want to be a woman. I want to feel like a woman, not an object. I don't want to be embarrassed by sex with my husband. I don't want to fall apart because someone said something that brings memories of you flooding back uncontrollably. I don't want to think of you. I don't want your memory in my brain. I don't want your memory on my body. I don't want you in my dreams, in my mind, in my life. You shouldn't have this much power over me. I shouldn't still be blaming myself for what you did to me ten years ago! I shouldn't hate myself because you hated me. I don't want to hate myself anymore. I want to hate you! ! !! ! !! ! !! I want to hate you so much, but I can't. I blame myself too much to hate you.

I wish I could stop passively loving you. I'm sure that I still do on some level. We'll always be connected. You were my first love. You were the first person in my life who made me feel like both a diamond and scum. You were the first person to violate my heart, break my body, make me cry and shred my soul.

I'm 27 now. I don't want you to own me for another ten years.

Waiting to Heal,
Rainshadow

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Dear ___,

Sometimes you're a dick, and I get very tired of your dramatic and emotional shenanigans.

I wish our lives were not such a huge travesty that I could feel comfortable talking to someone else about it. I really wish that I could make some friends but I have nothing to talk about with them because 95% of the last (what feels like) hundred years has been battling anxiety, stress, and depression.

I hate my life, but I am trying really damn hard even though it might not look like it. At least I try hard enough that I don't leave a path of trash in my wake. I'm married to you and have never been so lonely or hopeless in my life... which is a lie because since I've come to terms with my hopelessness, loneliness and fate, things seem to be looking a little bit better... Most of this has been achieved through acceptance of reality, maybe eventually you can come to terms with reality too instead of dwelling on superficial bs. This is actually an incredibly hopeful statement and I should probably prepare for it to never happen. Crap...

It could be like this forever... but it could be worse.

Dear Pommette of Rift, Shadowbone server.

Thank the universe I left that server! The below is how you come across to me.

"Oooo.. I get why you all wiped now. You're not fast enough to carry me! *hits elites away from tank* *pulls more than the group can handle. etc. BS* (It's like a baby running around saying "look at me mommy!", and nagging till someone complies! Will you just shut up and do your role? It would have gone just fine, had you done so, but no, it's more fun to whine till we ignore you, isn't it?) Oh that wipe that happened after I aggroed the boss while you four were weakly downing that mob of 8?" I don't know what you said, but I imagine it's not something I'd have considered mature. YOU pulled that while we almost had that mob finished. It wouldn't have taken long at all, and I'm pretty sure she would have gone right in an started him.

You are very ignored. I am way beyond tired of your type. When your sort show up, you ruin it with your ego. That's probably your entertainment right there. If you want no more gear and reputation out of the dungion, then why else do you do this? The healer did a fine job, and so did the tank you were rude to. After you wiped us with your little pull there, the healer could barely keep you up. See, that's how awesome you really were. You needed the group, but acted like you could do it all by yourself. To pity... This is exactly why I never call your sort Elitists. You want to be hot stuff? Stop acting like everyone's gotta hold your hand, while you feel like gold.

Dear ________

Thank you, you really helped lift my mood.

Regards,
Me

Dear____

Sometimes I wish I could bottle you up inside my world/ Show you how autism affects me, how it has molded who I am. I wish I could make you feel how you make me feel when I am blamed for being "bad" and "cunning" and "purpusfullly mean. If I could you would see how it feels. Autism is not something you make up, not something that leaves you drooling in the corners.

Get off your high horse.

Me.

Dear ________,

I know you have no idea I exist, and I'm quite happy with it that way. I just want to say thank you. You're a good reminder that there really are awesome guys out there and it gives me hope to know that people like you exist. You're so sweet and your maturity and attitude to women and in general is really refreshing. Thank you for being you and for reminding me what is out there.

Hugs,
Me.

Dear Parents,

I wish I could talk to you about my suspicions regarding the possibility of my having Asperger's, but I can't find the words. I'm so paranoid and afraid of the possibility of out-of-hand rejection that I can't even start the conversation. I hope I can find the courage to speak up soon...

Love, XSL

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