Rants

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I hate myself for messing everything up. I hate people that claim they are my friends but when I actually ask for help, which is something that is very hard for me to do, its always excuses as to why they can't help or no reply at all when I would try to be there for them or they constantly ask for my help but when I ask just to talk or for a hug, its always about them them them.

Neighborhood brats were running up and down the breezeway of my apartment building. I finally got so pissed off that I screamed through the front door loud enough for them to hear, "STOP RUNNING!! !" You had better believe that they did shut up after that. I'll do it again if I ever hear them ever do that again, you had better believe it.

We took on a new cleaning lady who was supposed to only straighten the family room today and put "stuff" in boxes for my wife and I to go through later. Instead, I come home and find 15 garbage bags filled with a lot of stuff that was good like baseball hats, new calculator, school projects that were keepsakes, my wife's important financial documents that she needs, plus other things that were definitely not throw away. Talk about the nerve. And she broke a snow globe that my parents had given me years ago that was special. LEAVE MY STUFF ALONE!! ! That's my rant. Do I feel better? I actually feel traumatized and invaded.

The inside of my elbow is BLUE. That's not normal colour for someone who is not in the film Avatar. NHS - you incompetent fools, you!

Also, ouch.

Today, I went to get my state license renewed, and I had to wait in line for a whole hour. AN HOUR! It took every ounce of energy not to have a meltdown and take my frustration on the incompetent BMV employees and crying child nearby.

I also went to get my ears pierced, but get this: I HAD TO WEAR STUD EARRINGS FOR SEVERAL F***ING WEEKS!! ! I thought it would be much easier, aside from the initial pain, but no. To add insult to injury, my mom got me black cat earrings for me, which was pretty much the reason I got my ears pierced in the first place. But I'm stuck with studs which I don't like because they're too plain and boring! Now my ears are throbbing and itching, though I am given relief for them. I might as well have my ears cut off!

I'm pissed off at myself for allowing me to get close to people, believing we're good friends, only to have it thrown in my face. Now I just feel lonely as per usual, miserable. blah.

I'm pissed off that I was too incompetent for college life and failed at that twice. That I couldn't handle my depression, anxiety and whatever other problems I had so I became an alcoholic and made a fool of myself repeatedly.

That too many people come and go from my life. That I keep going from one phase of a group of people to another - Boarding school, one college, second college, the recovery house, et cetera.

Now my parents want me to go all the way to Florida for that college living experience program which I'm hesitant on doing so because I just don't want to start the cycle of new people all over again, but I wind up throwing myself into the new phase because I don't like the old one. I don't have any real friends, no girls like me, I never fit in - I just feel like the worst talentless person in the world.

Now I'm stuck running a recovery house for men and can't just drop the ball like I feel like doing. The only woman I had a crush on prefers my housemates which I can't blame her for that, I probably would do.
I'm the size of a middle school girl and just ugly, and socially inept. I'm incapable of just being lighthearted and joking for long periods of time. I just want to have a serious discussion...

This is why I'm seriously considering just going to Florida so at least I can be around other people that are like me. Maybe it's what I should've done all along.

Yeah I dunno where I'm going with this I'm done.

Hate myself for being so socially awkward and insecure. It's no news but still hurts.

I didn't know pilates was also hathayoga, no wonder the women in my group have realignment probs. I shall reject the tummytuck pull tomorrow though as I do not want to overstretch my female reproductive organs that far.

I should stop trying to find happiness with other people. Maybe I don't need friends, but rather a doctor to prescribe me SSRIs.

I hate dyscalculia. You numbers think you're so special because you dance around the page and swap places. I can't understand you at all and I wish that I could.

My instincts of self-preservation are pretty strong. If I ever think I truly can't contribute positively to life anymore. If I ever am that far gone, that angry. I will make myself go away. I won't even think twice about it. It almost feels natural.

People are f****d up in the head and I can barely see most of them as human anymore. The more I learn about what is going on in people's minds, the more horrifying they seem to be. The irony is, I like small children the best, yet parents will actively intervene when the little kids come over to me. I'm thinking, "let them alone! I'd rather talk to them than to you. They aren't bothering me at all. I'd rather have them grab my stuff and stare at me than listen to your idle chatter."

I think I should stop pursuing interests and hobbies, because no matter how hard I try, I will always suck in the end. My art skills aren't what they used to be anymore, which was why I gave up after a while. I almost gave up on baking because my chocolate covered pretzels were almost a disaster. Today, I did a terrible job bowling with my friends, getting mostly gutter balls, so I may or may not give up on that in the near future if this keeps up. I wish I never developed these hobbies; it's like they almost mean nothing to me.

Sorry, I was just infuriated. Carry on.....

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Feel free to talk to me, if you wish.

Every day is a gift- cherish it!

"A true, true friend helps a friend in need."

My housemates want me to stop what I'm doing and listen when they talk about themselves - but don't pretend to care when I want to talk about my day.

One of them always says "sorry..." so I have to repeat myself if I am to be heard by him. He heard me the first time, but wants to make it difficult for me so I don't bother him again.

One of them invited a person to stay that they know I can't stand because that person was mean to me. They are away from home when their guest is going to be here so they won't be able to see or take responsibility for what happens.

People say "you are a great person, you have talents, you can be happy - off you go..." because they don't want to take the time to support me and be with me. They use Words to absolve themselves of their unwillingness to really care.

One of them interrupted me and said "I know what you are going to say, (before you say it) and you are wrong. There's no point wasting time trying to be heard because I've made up my mind". The same person expects me to take them seriously. When someone insulted me he said nothing because he wanted to impress them. Yet he wants me to take advice on how to be a better person. How can he give advice when he doesn't see his own prejudices?

They look down on me because of my difficulties yet don't see their lack of compassion as anything to be bothered about.

Ooh, I love a good rant.

I'm really losing my patience with people that think they can control what other people do. I'm sick of my mental problems. I could have anything but I just don't care anymore. Well, I do care but it exhausts me to figure this all out.

But worst of all...
Get off the f***ing couch and let me watch The Big bang Theory and Doctor Who before I lose my sh**!

No, I do not want to be around people and eat vegie f***ing burgers. I just want to watch my favourite TV shows I usually watch every week night with two biscuits and a tea, and to be left in peace. If you're playing music downstairs through the TV I will lose my sh**.