scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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+2

-5

+1 bye for now everyone here on wrong planet.

-10

I f***ing hate being a woman! I get angry and anxious more easily because of these f***ing hormones! Whenever I meltdown, people either avoid me, or I make them cry, therefore making me more unlikable. Will someone PLEASE either surgically remove my hormone glands or turn me into a f***ing man already?!

About a 5. I feel mentally exhausted.

+1

the strangely soothing gusts and tree sways have died down, lowering me to a 4.

-1

I feel better today, but I am sad to read that Charlie Sheen is HIV-positive. Yet no one seems to give a flying f*** because of all the bad things he did in the past. I think he is a great actor, yet people seem to lose light of that. In fact, if he dies, instead of a funeral, there will be a big party because people, especially women, are glad he's dead. I hate when people act like overreacting ovary-heads like this!

Charlie Sheen doesn't always treat people well.

I'm glad you're feeling better!

-3.

It's a nice day. I have yard work to do. My garden isn't going to be worth s**t next year if I don't turn it over and do something about the weeds.

The idea of going out in the yard, where the neighbors can actually see me, is terrifying and exhausting.

I don't want to live like this any more. It wasn't always this way.

-1 Sorry to hear BuyerBeware that you have pesky neighbors.. Where I live there is a local hoarder within the apartment complex I'm in and hopefully they'll evict such person..

-1 again

Thousands of mistakes I've made over the years. I wish I could go back and fix them all.

WitchsCat, I could agree with you on wanting to alter the past but, in doing so in literal terms would for me cause more harm than good however, I understand your perspective wholeheartedly

-1

0

-4.

"Doing it scared" and pushing through the anxiety has me nauseous, extremely sensory defensive, doing a lot of finger stims, stuttering again, having nightmares, exhausted.

I know it will get better. I've done this before.

18 years ago. When I could get a lot of downtime/alone time, had very few responsibilities, and smoked a lot of cannabis.

YEAH. If OH would have passed recreational (even though the bill was so thoroughly corrupt I'm glad it failed), I'd beg to move. ONE COUNTY OVER.

I want Xanax. I really, really, really want Xanax. I pilfered one (minimum therapeutic dose) from a friend who needed something stronger and went to a school function for my kids. It was an eye-opening experience. For the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I was just there, just enjoying the function. I'm scared of them b/c I know they're addictive (really actually addictive, not habit-forming like cannabis), but I actually felt like a NORMAL PERSON. In an auditorium with 500 strangers of higher social ranking and people who hold power over me. That's a FIRST.

I want to experience that again. I want to try it in my normal life. I want to feel like a normal person at the grocery. I want to go out and weed my garden without worrying if the neighbors are going to try to harm me because my shirt rides up and my crack shows, or one of my kids lets the dog out, or our respective daughters forget that they're not even allowed to make eye contact when the neighbor parents are around.

DH says I'd be using it to run from my problems and won't allow me to try it. I know he means well. Just thinking about trying medication again takes him back to the Risperdal nightmare. He's not being cruel or vindictive or narrow-minded. He just doesn't understand the difference between benzodiazepines (not something I want to take for the rest of my life, but I'm in HELL right now) and atypical antipsychotics, and has no faith whatsoever in my judgment.

+2

A dear friend far away has been slowly dying of ?depression? ?despair? ?internal damage from multiple lightening strikes? ?her own stubborn foolishness? ?????? for over a year now. Whatever the reason, she hasn't been able to eat for almost two months and she's starving to death.

She has finally manage to qualify for Hospice care.

I'm not glad that she's dying in a horrible way. I'm very sad that she's dying at all, and that she will not allow me or any friend to help care for her.

It makes my day, though, to know that she is now dying in a place that is warm and safe, with unlimited pain meds and someone to give her a bedpan and change the sheets and clean her up, with people who are comfortable enough with death to handle it.

Instead of at home alone because she always was a prickly, stubborn, independent, self-reliant survivalist type.

I'm sorry for me and this world, but I'm glad for her. She's wanted desperately to be done with this world since her husband died two years ago. I'm glad she's getting to go on, and not going to be alone in filth and fear and pain while she finishes waiting for her ride out of here.