scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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1, I been thinking about it. but How I feel at this moment is that I want my autism disorder to go away. This disability has caused nothing but made my social issues worse. Here I am, 20 years old, working on social interaction that could of been easier if I didn't had it.

-3

Dealing with other people stresses me out. I wish I could earn a living with less human interaction, but I can't. Need to pay those bills.

I've had the same conversation in my head 500 times since yesterday and am still trying to work out the best way of saying what I need to say, but in a way that will make the conversation be over as quickly as possible, but this conversation has lasted so long in my head that I am sick fed up of it and I haven't even had the real conversation yet.

It's not even that drastic either. Just a simple yes/no transaction.

0 neutral at the moment

0

-5.

I can live a lie, or I can live autism.

I do not always have the energy to keep up the lie, every waking moment.

I do not want to live autism.

I do not want to live, I do not have the will to die.

I do not believe I could arrange a suicide so that my kids would not know what I had done.

The only sure death I can think of that the coroner might rule an accident is hemlock, or Destroying Angel (or death's-cap, or a fistful of other poisonous mushrooms). They're kinda hard to find this time of year. I can wait for spring, but they're all painful ugly deaths. And the coroner might not know what I'd done, but I've spent so much time drilling those ID's into my kids' heads that they would NEVER believe I'd made an honest mistake.

+3 which is good considering today marks the anniversary of my little brother's death 7 years ago. This is actually the best I've felt since his passing. I'm not sure why but out of all my family I feel like I'm the least devastated by it, there were factors leading up to his death which prepared me for it, I guess - I was the first to discover he was using drugs and knowing he was using heroin I knew that this was a big possibility, I also felt like I was supposed to be the rock and let my family openly grieve while I dealt with things during the memorial and funeral. What a strange life this is, one day you are here and life can so easily be taken from us... we've just got to make the most of each day and moment here on this earth.

About a +2 so far. Went to the doctor and got meds for my cold and also scheduled an appointment to discuss my depression and possibly getting a diagnosis for ASD.

0
But I cannot live peacefully without s**t happening everyday.No feels

+6

+7 I get to go home soon!

i should have waited some minutes before posting here last.

5. i am glad that after 3 years, i finally managed to finish links awakening. she is inconsequentialed.
one by one i have gone through my phone contacts and plucked off those that i no longer speak to or get along with. i made it a mission to acquire as many numbers as i could when i got it.

now it is useless clutter vastly inferior to being able just to see who cares about me and vice versa.

+1

-9

Today, I learned my biggest talent is pi**ing people off. They also seem to think I am ungrateful for not taking their advice. I swear, I am turning into my alcoholic father.

-1 had to do a complete re-install of windows clean slate manner not simply doing a system restore..

-10

Today, I learned I suck at making decisions. I wish I was better at that.

I don't even know. Most days I feel high and low.