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*sigh* I just wish I could do more outside of my home.

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The Canadian Football League - What We're Made Of

Feel free to talk to me, if you wish.

Every day is a gift- cherish it!

"A true, true friend helps a friend in need."

I have an obsession/special interest with a girl who's mind never thinks of me. Anyone who says you can't have an obsession with another person, come f*****g live my life and see for yourself. I don't even want to be obsessed with her but she is ALWAYS on my mind, from dawn till dusk, quite literally. I'll never be able to satisfy this obsession and in 18months time I won't get a chance to see her again. I cannot bare the times I cannot see her. I will never bring up enough courage to meet alone with her. My messages are ignored. But I don't care because I MUST see her. I MUST MUST MUST see her!


The only other person I could talk to about this with them understanding a obsession is dead. He killed himself almost a year ago now, I envy him so much. I wish he was here, I could talk to him about this and he wouldn't judge or tease but understand.

My dog. My gorgeous, loving dog died almost a month ago. She was so loving and never argued or judged me. She only loved me, and I loved her.

At school they say to me, "it must be easy being you, you can get A's easy. I f*****g worked hard to get that A! I'm not naturally a genius! I just work hard unlike you lazy bastards! And have two sisters who get a million A* who I have to be as good as.

But I get up, out of bed. To see her. The best feeling is when I make her happy, or laugh. It is THE BEST FEELING.

It must be nice being dead. No stress, no exams, no pressure, no sh***y future. But I can't kill myself for my mums sake, she would get so depressed. I've got to be positive for her.

My mind is racing, and I don't know why it's in such a hurry because it seems to be going nowhere good.

Why can't I be like the other kids, hanging out and going to see movies and holding slumber parties? Instead I'm stuck. Stuck with this stupid interest in Japanese culture, and everybody hates me for it except Japanese adults who find it cute that a little white girl speaks their language. I want to enjoy my interests, but I don't want them to consume my life. I want a normal life with a normal career, and this Japan thing is killing my chances at it. I don't want to be stuck in a foreign country where I'll always be considered an outsider no matter what. Too weird to be Australian, too Australian to be Japanese. It's killing me. I have to hold back tears as I type this.

I've run out of energy and/or patience for words and talking. Again.

I have three different projects at work to finish with different due dates, one being due tomorrow. I am overwhelmed because tomorrow will be my last day before Thanksgiving vacation, and I am scared that I will not get a lot done. I am starting to doubt that I will ever get all my work completed before the holidays come. I wish I was sick tomorrow so I don't have to go to work.

A day of travel with no concern for my needs, resulting in a wonderful case of sleep deprivation after traveling until 2:00 AM.
A second day of travel starting at 7:00 AM. I didn't sleep much in the hotel. We stopped in two big tourist destinations. It was shorter and we managed to reach our destination on time for once.

Third day - the party, my grandparents' 50th anniversary. Met a lot of people I haven't seen in years. Reunited temporarily with a friend from my childhood. My mother got absolutely trashed and went on a drunken speech about my autism with a small group of people who don't believe in medicine. My mother's boyfriend ALSO got drunk, at which point he was completely without tact and was extraordinarily offensive.

Fourth day - A day of talking and organizing things. A lot of crap bothered the hell out of me.

Today is day five - we spoke to some older friends who are in extremely bad health. I had a severe anxiety attack after returning. This is all in Florida, so it's astonishingly bright out - sunlight burns my eyes. The room I'm staying in is also the dining room, and people don't think to do their talking elsewhere, resulting in my only possible retreat being populated at almost all times. No escape.

I want to go home to my apartment. I don't have any money for the plane, though, so I'll have to wait another couple days to leave by car. I want to return to my life of existing and waiting for good news and speaking to my case manager and learning to drive from a local school. I want to go home and sit and listen to the radio and enjoy my lack of internet and TV. There are all these entertainment tools here that I love, but they don't reduce my anxiety levels, and they don't make the insults go away. Only time does that. Time and silence.

I think I'm going to have some difficulty surviving this trip.

I'm really glad we don't live in the 2000s anymore, but I wish things from it would go away and die off, like the science-religion debate. here's what I can tell: On one side is things like Mormon ads and religious extremism and the Creation museum, on the other is people like David Silverman (not the animator, the other guy) and billboards of shiny perfect people declaring themselves proud to be atheists, with looks that suggest they spend their days going "Boy, I'm really glad I don't believe in God!" every waking moment, and also saying they're "coming out" as atheists. Both sides are of the same psychological coin, they pervert the debate, blah blah blah, and I wish they would go away.

I'm starting to hate my life so much that I seriously want out. I want to commit suicide and not have to be a part of this existence any more ever again. Nobody understands or respects me, but then again that's MY fault because I just can't handle anything. Everything I want has a snag, a contradiction what will cause stress, and I react to it because I can't think of a way to just learn to deal with things the way the average person does. A cloudy fog just creeps into my mind and that's it, I don't feel like talking to anyone, I just want to be alone and out of the way until this cloudy fog disappears.

Positive occurrence: A local part-time job, 3 days a week, cleaning at a care home.
Contradiction: Being asked to do overtime causes stress. Feeling intimidated or confronted by some residents or other workers causes stress (from social phobia and high nerves/stress levels). Going too long without food causes stress.

Positive occurrence: A nice 2-week vacation to the USA, to explore, eat different meals and gain some exciting experience.
Contradictions: My mood swings, what will spoil my time and my family's time, causes stress. The 10-hour long flight causes stress, because of babies on the plane, also the what-ifs start going round and round in my mind; what if there's a tummy bug going around on the plane? What if there's a terrorist attack? I know everyone's got that to worry about, but I REALLY do stress and have severe panic attacks over these things, causing irregular heartbeat, high blood-pressure and severe breathlessness and inability to swallow. Also jet lag will really cause me to have mood swings, what might make me snap.

Positive occurrence: Could move out of my family house and have a place of my own.
Contradictions: What if I get noisy neighbours, that will defeat the object? I won't be able to emotionally cope with working full-time either. I can't even cope with my part-time job. I could not work full time. I can't cope with nothing.

Positive occurrence: Go on meds!
Contradictions: The side-effects are as bad as the fears, stresses, rages and anxieties that I have. Meds might work a little but they won't work miracles, and so won't make me become oblivious of the nuisances of the side-effects. And will meds really solve all of the above and make me into a better person? What if no meds work? Then what? I know I need to try these things first but I still like to prepare what I can do if all else fails.

Well, if all else fails, I will commit suicide. Simple as that. Life is too overwhelming, the people around me are too social, I am too unhappy, and it looks like I'm getting nowhere.

Sometimes I think smoking in public should be illegal, because those with asthma have the right to walk the streets without fear of having their lungs assaulted by anyone passing by at any moment.

When people automatically presume the worst of you, does their opinion really matter that much anyway?

I feel like a failure sometimes, I didn't make it through school where most of the time I was stuck in special ed and no one there even managed to figure out I had learning disorders they put me in that f*****g class because I was "depressed" and weird, I didn't learn s**t in school I didn't go to college for years and now here I am trying to work a job I don't have any f*****g experience talking with people, I have no confidence and I don't know how to attain any of it, I feel dumb.

On top of that I have panic disorder, aspergers, seasonal depression and probably some other crap too thanks for nothing f****d up family who never taught me how to cope and abused me!
I can only hope to make it through this world now without ending up homeless or dying of a heart attack when I'm 40.

I'm sick of being passive, I'm sick of being shy, and I'm sick of being an introvert. I always try to be the opposite, but soon after, relapse back to passiveness. I'm too scared to ask anything for fear that I will get an unwanted answer, and whenever I do, I either get nervous or chicken out at the last minute, and I would feel like a complete jacka**.

God has dealt me a poor hand; I want new cards.

I just feel like turning on the engine of my car inside a garage and ending it all. I know that sounds like much but I just can't take the BS anymore.

Yes, there's a lot of crap I've dealt with in the past and I've gotten over, or so I'd like to think, then something bad happens in the present and it brings up all the s**t from the past and so it makes little problems in the present seem like huge monster problems.

My girlfriend is driving me absolutely nuts. I wanted out months ago but I'm trapped. We lived together for 3-4 months, then she moved out for 2 months due to family issues and now she is back as of last week.
Well since she's come back she's been cold, distant and complains a lot, and now we bicker. There is absolutely no romance whatsoever. She says its because she knows I'm moving away in 4 months and she's trying to protect herself from being hurt.
So then WTF is the point of us still being together now if you're already going to be cold and aloof?
We've kissed maybe 4 or 5 times since she's been back, whereas before we'd kiss that many times in a day if not more.

I can't just break up with her now because if I did, we'd still be living together since she lives in the recovery house that I run and I can't just kick her out because we broke up and I can't move out because running the house is my job.

So I'm literally trapped for 4 months with this COMPLETE BS.

Yes, I knew a long time ago we had very little in common and honestly, I'm not physically attracted to her AT ALL. But, she has been the most caring person I ever dated, and maybe it's because she pursued me during a very vulnerable time in my life (When I was in drug rehab).

I don't know. All I know is that I was unhappy a long time ago and I thought things could be more .. stable. Like a 5 or 6 out of 10 and I could get through it until I moved away, but no, things had to get drastically worse.
She gets pissy with me a lot, doesn't seem to care, complains all the time (more than she usually does and she is a big complainer), she has absolutely no sex drive (it was a low sex drive before but at least it was THERE)..

She has also been the most expensive relationship I've ever been in. I've paid for maybe 30 packs of cigarettes for her, I've paid 2-4 months worth of her rent - I sold my PS3 AND a 32 inch LED Samsung TV to help with her rent otherwise she'd have to move out of town back to her parents house, I've bought who knows how much food, taken her to who knows how many places costing gas.. then the other day she wants to throw a hissy fit because I don't want to let her smoke my Dunhills? AS IF I HADN'T GIVEN HER ALMOST A WHOLE PACK OF NAT SHERMAN'S!

Yes I know a lot of the sacrifices I have made she never asked me for, but material things are just material things to me and if I can help a friend with something practical like rent then I will, especially if she's my girlfriend.

I am just so unhappy I could run through a wall. All my friends have been trying to hook me up with other females, going on about shacking up with someone for a night. WTF. I HATE THAT CRAP. I've had a few friends with benefits but they meant something to me. A lot to me. I hate hooking up. I hate one night stands and I hate hanging out with someone who I only hang out with for the sole purpose of having sex.

I don't feel comfortable. I have severe body issues. I don't like being touched or hugged... I think there's only been two times I've ever had sex completely naked.

I just want to move already. I'm just done. I tried giving up for a few days but then that left her and I bouncing around in our own orbit and I don't want that either. When I move away I'm not coming back. I don't want the last memories of her to be this BS. She may not be a good girlfriend for me but she is still my closest friend and I want to at least have good memories of us hanging out rather than whatever it is now.

She keeps blaming all her odd behavior on her being at home for 2 months and I don't know if I believe her. I have no reason not to...

(Slams head on desk and knocks self out)

I'm sick of people, both online and in real life, assuming I'm the same person I was this time last year, or even 10 months ago when I first joined. I'm not a silly, flighty, teary-eyed little anime otaku anymore. I'm an aspiring scientist and/or software developer interested in the languages and cultures of East Asia, but nobody sees me as that all because of the way I introduced myself. Fiction is now a pet peeve of mine in general - not to sound like Spock, but it's illogical.