scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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+1

4. (again?)

feeling average physically, final grades came in and i passed botany with a B which...is a lot higher than i thought!

threw up yesterday after eating my only meal and i was feeling like shite then so...still a bit worried from that.

-5
Mind in a mess

-10

Life never gets better and is in fact destined to get worse before it gets better so nothing is really worth anything. Does it matter if death comes now or later? No but it removes a crap ton of suffering in between if its sooner rather then later.

negative two.

worries about the neck lumps are greatly exaggerated.

+1

+10

Stoned and 12:00 am. I get to spend the night high away from people.

three.

i will see a doctor tomorrow (or today in 11 hours) about my neck lumps, among other things, but for now i sit accompanied by my creations that i have poured my love and approval on.

0

Kip, hope it isn't anything serious.

It's been a tough few days for me. I was planning on taking a longer break from posting, but I guess I need to have more of a social life to do that. Overall, -1.

I hope it's nothing serious either Kip.

+2

0

This is the highest score I've had for a long time.

Good things:
1. New flat
2. Off on holiday on Thursday for 2 weeks

Bad things:
1. Stress about moving to new flat and trying to organise everything
2. Stress at work as too busy because going on holiday
3. Stress over trying to organise a prescription for the duration of my holiday
4. Stress about going on holiday with my parents

Yes, self-harm has been prominent over the last few days. Guh.

^Hugs.

+1. Maybe 0.

-3. Foggy and lethargic from taking the anti anxiety rescue med (clonidine) the psych prescribed (instead of the one I asked for). I realize Xanax has a high abuse potential, but it left me clear-headed and not dragging (and also not high, just calm), and that's why I asked for it specifically.

But, of course, WHY would a highly educated professional listen to a mentally ill, developmentally disabled person?? Or the (as far as she knows) NT brought in to advocate (who didn't at all)??

Took it because of another argument. I got to experience what it must be like to have ADHD over the weekend. I understand why he never hears all of what I say, why he can't ever just listen, why he always has to be doing something else too. Hyperkinesis is useful for getting a lot of things done very fast, but it's a terrible feeling to not be able to gratify.

Having had that experience, I wish very much that there was a customizable autism simulator that I could make him take, or wear, or whatever, for ten days to get an understanding of my reality (instead of just dismissing it and telling me it's all unreasoned anxiety and not the consequences of compensating for autism).

zero: saw my psychologist today, which, continues to confuse me. i can't afford to pay her, but she keeps insisting on seeing me, free of charge, anyway. she seemed to appear unusually concerned this time though. i guess i do look well worn in the mirror, sound it in voice, and feel it in weight of the silent stillness inside of me as well. wouldn't mind disappearing into sleep, but i'm not tired... i'm never tired. feel like a wild horse trapped in a stall of a stable not even big enough to take a single step in any direction.