scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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???

I believe I now officially have a death wish.

I'm losing about half a pound a day because of hunger suppression from Zoloft. I have realized I like watching the numbers fall on the scale because there is less of me every day. I didn't have much of a problem with the 5'7" moderately heavily muscled 170-pound body I started with. It's not about fat/thin. It's about less me.

I'm starting to consider that, if I have the willpower for it, VSED might actually be a means of suicide that my kids wouldn't have to think of as a suicide. I am a white middle-class female. It would go down on the death certificate with heart failure being the primary cause and anorexia nervosa as the underlying factor. No one would ever know. My husband wound be the only one who would suspect, and he can carry that burden.

+4. Kinda pissy but otherwise kinda just " meh."

5+.

Yes, I'm at my mom's workplace at 11PM and soloing her office's computer for amusement.
Mind you that her job involves local (village) peace and order domain...

And yes, I get to watch if someone gets arrested.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Probably -3 I've been having a dip in mood because I see no matter how far I've come I'm still several years behind approaching a solid base to start an existence from, if I hadn't tried so hard and rejected the notion that I needed support and a different route I may already be there but that shows my resolve and desire I guess but also the depth of my mental issues that can rumble in and cloud my appreciation of a landscape.

+4 not bad

2

I am having some very negative feelings along the lines of fear, anxiety, indifference, and deep shame but I am alone and that feels good so I am relaxed and largely at some level of peace.

-1. Wishing I was independently wealthy.

+4

-6 I feel like I'm teetering on the edge, I can't deal with all this, exhausted, scared.

-15

-2

-6

I am ashamed to be alive,

Wow I don't know why I couldn't find those words before but that sums it up nicely.

Not only am I a -6 but I am feeling good if you catch my drift and I am a -6 so yeah I would probably be doing some kinda of self harm if I didn't have the means to pacify my emotions. I still have a pretty strong urge to pick up a knife and just start cutting of my arm for the hell of it but I have some clarity, not much mind you, but some.

I hate autism and I wish it would die, die, die, DIE.

^To all who feel a minus number - I hope your number rises soon.

Right now I am still in the minus but a little better, although fluctuating somewhat.

-20 I should just end it. I'd be free then.

+5