scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-6

F m l... Hard...

Someone just came into my apartment after... um...well I just didn't want them in my apartment. Now I am paranoid and I just want to be left alone. I don't want have to deal with this crap, leave me be. I can't possibly hurt anyone when I am alone. This really sucks.

???

Trying to cheerfully accept a lifetime of anhedonia.

So far the best I can do is a sort of colorless resignation.

-2, trying to make up for lost realities..

Resignation is better than anger, panic, or despair.

It's sort of like despair, only without the desperation.

What it isn't, is happiness (as defined as the absence of misery, not as ecstasy or even pleasure) or contentment or hope.

Desperation has more hope than resignation. Resignation is the leaving behind of the hope of hope. There is a very good reason why motivational anhedonia sis strongly correlated with poor treatment outcomes in depressed patients.

But, as side effects go, it's one of the most common and least debilitating. So, it is what it is.

And I hate, and I mean HATE, the song "I'd Do Anything" by Simple Plan. Somehow that song encapsulates everything I've lost and everything I still have to go through losing in a weeping, screaming meltdown-inducing way.

My teenager loves it. It was featured in one of her favorite episodes of Scooby Doo as a kid, it has good feelings for her. I get that. I want her to enjoy that. She has that right.

Without me weeping ruining it.

I just wish she wouldn't play it on repeat, at top volume, when I'm doing something like cooking a meal or feeding the damn kitten that means I can't get up, leave the area of audibility, and physically exert myself until the feeling passes.

-2. The other office is a legit insane asylum at the moment. s**t is out of control! I'm not looking forward to how it's all going to blow up in the end. Feeling mostly anxious and uncertain really. I mean, what if somebody gets violent?

Rage. Self-hate. Hopelessness. Inability to feel pleasure. Easily frustrated. Intrusive thoughts about how nice it would be to kick the f*****g dog repeatedly.

Not that I'm unable to contain them. I can say all these things in a conversational voice, with no more import than "It's raining outside." I can merely keep silent about these things. Obviously I am not going to act on the desire to kick the dog.

I don't think kids vibe off my emotions. If they did, mine would be avoiding me. I wish they were avoiding me. I am not a great person to be around right now.

I hate, and I hurt, and I hatefully want to hurt others.

I usually look up racist jokes on the Internet when I feel like this. It's sort of a safe vent for the pressure. Not helping.

I really need to be the motherfucking hell alone.

I surrender to this fact:

My intent does not matter. All that matters is how other people experience me.

Conversely, my experience does not matter. All that matters is what others intend.

I surrender to this fact:

My worth and value is wholly and only contained in the eyes of others, primarily in how useful I am to them and how little I ask.

I surrender to this fact:

Others do not have this experience. It is because of my disease that these things are true for me.

I surrender to this fact:

These things will never change.

I have not surrendered fully to these facts. I can tell I have not because I am filled, alternately, with rage and with the hope that I will find some way of being that will change them.

-20 no women respond to me ever despite having liked me I don't know why I bother continuing everyday :'(

I really hope you'll find someone soon, sly.

Nah, I think that's prolly projection.

Yes, he came from an emotionally abusive background and yes, he f***s up sometimes, but the intent to harm is absent. My family of origin was far worse, society at large has been far worse, and at this point my biggest abuser, based on the lessons I have learned from FOO and people in general, is me. He's trying his dammnedest to help me fight it, but...

...you can't fight facts. Matters naught if society is abusive to folks like us. It's the society we live in, and either conforming or being abused is just life.

Bu thanks for giving a damn. We need more like you.


In other thoughts. Just found out that one of my biggest bullies from K-8 has been diagnosed with advanced colon and liver cancer. Shades of schadenfreude aside, her mother was very kind to my family when my mother was dying and she has 8-year-old twins who really don't need to lose their mother, regardless of how much I might revel in her misfortune.

Not sure how I feel about that one, other than schadenfreude and very guilty for schadenfreude.

For those who pray, positive and constructive prayers for her and her family would be appreciated.