scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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4

It's a Sunday late afternoon and getting ready to start the week when I wake up tomorrow.

Had a pretty good day. Rainy, lazy day. Hung out with MIL and the kids, cleaned out our closet, made clam chowder and a nice peach pie and some ice cream. Good day.

Feel utterly hopeless, as if it is all rote and perfunctory, as if I am maintaining the set for a play about a happy family.

Waiting for sleep.

2

Yes, I have beaten the odds. I am the autism success story. I can mimic all the things, do all the things, show the right behaviors. I can "pass." Well.

I am so tired. I want to go back to a time when I was an autistic kid, and that was OK. Were I given the chance to do it over, I would sacrifice all I have achieved just to not be so tired, so stressed, so loaded down with the knowledge that, other than alone with my kids, my self is an effortful fabrication and my life is built on lies.

I wish someone understood. I wish HE understood. He cannot. He does not have the experience.

God alone understands. And from what I can gather, God feels I have brought great glory to God in my struggle with sin nature, and wishes me to continue as I have done but with a more peaceful and grateful heart.

I don't think I can do it, Lord. Can You find it in Your divine mercy to just let me come home??

You know today is one of those days when I realize what a terrible person I am. I have lived my life like a loaded gun and I have dealt with some pretty horrible consequences. That emotion that I have felt today mixed with PTSD has lead to a general feeling of crappiness.

but... outside of those emotions I have learned from mistakes and even though I seem to make them daily, the potential is there to learn so maybe, just maybe I'll behave like a responsible adult in the future and not one thats like an idiot. So that is kinda of a positive emotion so I am not too bad off. In fact my mistakes have the potential to make me very wise so I suppose the foolish become wise from past experience.

So with both semi positive and extreme negative emotion I am going to say -2. I think I'll make it, this post is deep into my feelings actually so I think its helped to vent some where even if no one cares. Maybe there is someone who can relate, but if not I am ok with people just giving thought into my alien emotions.

+6 feeling reasonably good today

-8 today

-3

I continue to function remarkably well for someone leaving milk out for the Mortality Fairy.

Yay for flattening of affect.

5

Life is enjoyable at this moment is about to be more enjoyable when I play some Skyrim.

-5 so drained and depressed from having to deal with dishonest doctors.

+7

We all need meds EnmaLionheart, I know I do. We all need meds because everything is screwed up around us. I am a +7 because I have my meds lol

Also goes out to sly279, hang in there. Your awesome, you just don't know it yet, but yeah talking to a doctor or therapist might not be a bad idea. They do help, kind of, not really but it gives you someone to yell out and that helps

-2, Out of my mind bored and lonely

0+ to 10+

10+ because I pass without acting or faking or feeling unnatural like everything is a stupid necessity.

0+ because... Haha life~ Now I LACK of stress and uhmm...... I wanna care less, and do more so I could learn more. And so yesterday I purposely broke a rule and got reprimanded by my employer... XD Just to see what she does, and how I'll react with little or no restraint. I nearly got myself fired by being bored.
Well, I just learned that I'll freeze and be quiet about her rants by instinct. Better than shutting down and crying in the inside or on the outside.
And for now I conclude that the only chance I ever get a shut down is from something or someone really personal than something to do with professionalism.

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