Dear you,
He had actually mentioned that you were upset due to me. I wasn't actually trying to upset you with the things I said, but I can see how my words could have been upsetting and made you feel like a bad friend, and I'm sorry for that.
I'll try to address what you've said. If any of this comes across as argumentative or derisive, it's not meant to be, I'm just explaining things from my perspective.
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First let me start by saying that I'm sorry if I've done anything bad to you. I know you think negative things about me due to stuff I've done to make him feel bad
I'm not sure whether you mean things back then or things since he's come back. If it's the former, then we all did things wrong back then, and we've all acknowledged that we did things wrong. The only reason I get angry over things relating to that is that when you vent, it seems like you forget that there were faults on all sides; you make it seem like you were nothing but a victim.
That's what might make me respond shortly or sarcastically.
If it's things recently, anything negative I think never lasts, and is more "I wish she'd just explain to him why she's upset, or get things clarified instead of jumping to the worst conclusion" rather than "she's a bad person who should just STFU". I don't think you're a bad person, and I don't dislike you.
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Please note the posts I made there were intended merely to vent and to not damage his character (not that anyone cares there anymore, that's why I could vent there), yet I still got the impression you were trying to publicly shame me and make me feel like a bad friend for posting.
Oh, I know that, and I know you even said so yourself. My responses were for two reasons:
1. To offer alternate explanations for the things that he'd said, to maybe help you get less upset about the worst-case scenarios that you'd convinced yourself were true.
2. To point out to the others there that they had a very skewed view of him, and that it wasn't fair to come to a judgement that someone should "have their lights punched out" based on their worst behaviour and on someone's venting about him. It was a comment on their unfair attitudes, not anything you've said.
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Your following comments regarding me being painful to watch I found hurtful and ignorant of my inner struggles I have when it comes to holding onto interpersonal relationships. And especially unwelcome considering the amount of understanding I gave you when he disappeared (how you felt is exactly how I feel whenever him and I have upheavals). I have never once ignored your hurt or seen it as nothing more than an annoyance. I understand that you are protective and concerned about how he feels when we have upheavals, but this pattern of seeing me as nothing but a source of hurt and annoyance has to stop.
I obviously came across completely wrong when I said that. What I meant was that I don't like seeing you upset yourself, usually unneccessarily, all the time. You said something similar after he left, that my self-torture was painful to watch. What I said recently was intended in the same way as what you said back then.
I meant that it was painful to see the torture you put yourself through, not that you were a pain or an annoyance of any kind.
I may get annoyed when you're dropping hints publicly about what he's done wrong and I'm just there wondering why you can't just talk to him about it (he doesn't upset me anywhere near as often as he does you, but when he has, all it's taken is an explanation of how I've taken his words, and he's apologised), but I certainly do not see you as nothing but a source of hurt and annoyance. My feelings of annoyance are limited to the period of time in which you're actually taking things in the worst possible way and posting things that seem to hint at
him being a bad and uncaring friend, and they don't transfer into the longer-term picture I have of you as a person, which is that I think you are a decent person.
But like I said, I didn't mean you were annoying to watch, only that I didn't like seeing you upset yourself. I hadn't realised that my words would be interpreted that way, and I'm sorry.
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. I feel bad too, and I think it's only fair that those feelings are at least thought of before you offer your input on matters between us
I'm aware of that, and I do consider that: just about every post in the other place that probably seemed to be arguing and dismissing your viewpoint was actually an attempt to offer alternative explanations for things that might have made you feel a bit better.
The one about him being not incapable of piecing things together from your posts
here wasn't; I was pissed off then, but I didn't appreciate the insinuations that I'd passed on information to him from that place when you'd clearly posted publicly about what you were upset about. Thus, sarcasm in response.
I was also upset with you then because everyone there was gleefully jumping on his character, and you just sat back and let it happen without sticking up for your friend, and it wasn't the first time it had happened: when you do that, it looks to me as though you're perfectly happy for him to look like a bad person in front of everyone. I see now that it's probably because you don't really care what most of the people there think of him (and I don't think he does either, and I should probably stop caring about their opinions too. Like I keep trying to tell them, they don't have the full picture, so their opinions are uninformed.).
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(input that won't be welcome anymore btw).
Including the times where he's been confused and on the verge of not talking to you, and I've stuck up for you and tried to tell him things like "she's probably not so much upset with you about being asocial as that she's worried you'll leave again"?
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While I'm open to a bit of constructive criticism every now and then, I don't find your style very helpful at all. As a matter of fact I find it adds nothing but more negativity to an already bad situation. It's not very fun being on the other side of the fence, being the "screw up", then having to deal with other people's negative attention. I already feel like crap for things I do. Criticism from you in any form doesn't make me wish to try better, it just makes me want to f**k off forever, and I certainly don't think you deliver it with helpful intentions either (I think you only do it to try and make me feel as bad as he does). Criticism seems to be the only time you ever wanna talk to me (or you at least always try to make sure it's the last word in conversation).
Again, I'm sorry, and I really wasn't trying to add negativity. Like I've said, my posts to you were either
A. To offer alternate, non-worst-case scenario explanations.
B. To try and explain to the people at the other place that he's not a bad person and that they are in no position to make judgements on his character (and a lot of the annoyance you see is probably just frustration at them spilling over into my posts: they sometimes seem incapable of seeing reason, and some of them seem like they're trying to twist anything that's said about him into "he's a bad person". From their point of view: if he says something that seems mean, he's a mean person. If he says something that seems nice, he's being manipulative.
Absolutely none of the vents you've posted have upset or angered me the way that their attitudes have.).
C. Sometimes I am annoyed at you when I think you're being unreasonable about things, but when I express annoyance at something, that's all I'm expressing annoyance at: it's not at all meant to imply that I think you're nothing but an annoyance. It's similar to how when you vent, you're not trying to make him look like a bad person, you're just venting.
I don't want you to f**k off forever, but it would be nice if you'd clarify things with me before assuming that I have the worst intentions towards you. Before he told me that you were upset, I had no idea that you'd stayed upset for long after you made your last posts in that thread over there, and until I read your post here, I had no idea that my words to you had been taken in the way that they had. A lot of pain could have been avoided if you'd just confronted me in the first place and said "Is this what you meant, because I found it hurtful".
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Criticism seems to be the only time you ever wanna talk to me (or you at least always try to make sure it's the last word in conversation).
I've already explained that it's not all meant as criticism. I don't try and make it the last word: usually I'm just trying to give my perspective on things, and you're free to respond to anything I say.
As for it being the only time I want to talk to you: you're right, it is the only time I talk to you, and it probably does seem from that as though I think you're an annoyance. I'm sorry for that. It's only that I have no real other reason
to talk to you. I'm not trying to say that I don't think you're worth talking to, just that I wouldn't know what else to talk to you about. I sucks at teh conversing.
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I'm serious here, this is no overreaction.
I know you are, and I don't think it's an overreaction, but you
have misunderstood my intentions.
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This is making my friendship experience with him very unpleasant (unpleasant enough to consider if I should stay friends with him or not).
I really didn't realise that it was, and again, I'm sorry.
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. I'm going to try and do my best to approach things with him in private from now on, but I want to ask you to make some changes in your approach to me too.
I'll try (I'm not sure what would help, as I don't know how you're going to interpret my words.). I'd also like you to stop assuming that everything I say to you is an attack on your character and designed to make you feel bad: it isn't, and if you get upset by something I say to you, I'd appreciate if you'd approach me directly about it so that I get a chance to clarify what I meant and what my actual intentions were. Like I said, I really had no idea that I'd been making you feel so bad- I knew that you felt bad at times, as evidenced by posts like "I'm nothing but an annoyance to people and should just f**k off", but I thought that that was just because you were upset at the time. I didn't realise that those feelings stayed with you. I wish you'd spoken directly to me sooner.
I didn't mean to hurt you, and I'm sorry that I did.
- Me
Another thing: when you get upset and angry at him and how things are going, it makes me get worried that either he'll get overwhelmed and stop talking again, or that you'll try to convince him to stop talking to me. I know it's probably unreasonable, but due to the past, the possibility of it still really, really scares me.
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Music Theory 101: Cadences.
Authentic cadence: V-I
Plagal cadence: IV-I
Deceptive cadence: V- ANYTHING BUT I ! !! !
Beethoven cadence: V-I-V-I-V-V-V-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I! I! I! I I I
27 Aug 2012, 4:47 am
