Rants

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I loathe myself.

I'm a selfish, lazy, nasty little brat of a child who is almost 30 years old!

Now I have to post again so my number of posts doesn't end in 4.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! !! !!

I am Sooooooooooo bad at communicating!! I just can't convey my thoughts or feelings! Aaaaaaaaarg! *exasperated grimace*

So alone in my head.

Alien.

I am always wrong. Why?

I hate that I get myself together and in a place where I am comfortable with who I am, my decisions in life and my place in it.
Then someone or something comes along and tears down all the progress I have made and once again I have to rebuild.

why? You've helped me a lot, for one! I know people who are super selfish and they're not like you!

Thank you. I'm REALLY lucky to have you as my friend.

I just wish I were a better daughter. I yell at my mum and throw fits over stupid s**t and my mum is so wonderful and doesn't deserve it Today it happened again. Today my sister came over and my sister always wants to order this chicken from a particular place that I don't like and can't stand the smell of it. She gets her way because she's the guest and she does really like that chicken but she won't ever choose anything else and I hate it when she comes over and my mum and I always fight over this kind of s**t and we did again today and she's coming over again next week, probably and I'm already dreading it SO much, they're SO loud (my mum and sister talking) and I get so agitated when she comes. Still, I'm a near 30 year old woman throwing a tiff over chicken and my sister coming over (which she has every right to and doesn't even do that often) and crying in my room now because I can't make a patchka (the thingI dangle in front of my eyes) that feels right. So pathetic.

thanks, I am really glad I have you as a friend, too. And as to the above, I can only say one thing: DSM-5 criteria for autism. Print it out and stick it in your mom's face. Your behaviour is legit for somebody with an ASD. It's not just you being lazy or spoiled. If your mom says it's that, then she's wrong. If I were you, I would just say home. People cannot control your behaviour (and the reverse). If you dislike something, you have the right to stay out of it if they're unwilling to respect your choices.

We should talk more about this next time we talk on the phone. We'll hijack the thread otherwise. The problem is I want to stay home and them to adjust their behaviour for me , like not bring the smelly chicken in the house, hence the spoiledness (if that's a word).

People who feel the need to fill the airwaves with a constant stream of babbling, that has absolutely no point, just for the sake of talking... Aaaaaahhhh!

Right now I'm pretending I'm crying over the song I'm listening to rather than the stupid conflict that's going on my head because I'd prefer to hear "Oh, you haven't changed at all since you were small" rather than "Stop arguing with yourself and get over it".

I hate people trying to take advantage if my quiet good nature and general easygoing attitude. It is hard for me to rise up and get angry in defense when needed but I get livid when lied to. Do I have an invisible tattoo that NT's can see on my forehead that says "Lie to me"? Grrrr....

I miss having a special interest and passion. Life is pretty dull right now.

was at the trafford centre earlier on with the two support staff of mine to get top up credit for this internet dongle thingy, and on the way out in the carpark had requested the second redbull of the day--part of routine since sixteen years old is having redbull every day and am only allowed to have two a day by the doctor.
they said no way,its past four o clock and am not allowed them past four and shoud have requested for it earlier, they know am profoundly impaired in short term and working memory plus do not have any understanding of time so relie on them to say when its near the time limit....yet they refused to understand.
ended up going into meltdown mode, was hitting out at staff,biting and hitting self going absolutely mental was in a high state of anxiety and fight or flight,they then said they were going to have to phone the police to come and deal with self,and when that happens it means will not be ever going back home again,will be put back in hospital and left to find another placement.
went into meltdown again same old sht, eventualy pushed self in the wheelchair as far away as coud get from staff but just sat there in a daze in the pouring rain,was not going down alive if they were getting police involved.
eventualy they managed to calm self enough to take some PRN diazepam and was calm enough to go home in the car.

am still suffering from a lot of anxiety over this incident.
am not allowed to have another incident involving the police, as the police have said they will push for self to get put back into secure residential care as theyre fed up of dealing with self but this says more about supported living in that they are so badly untrained its unbelievable.

Seems like I am still to silly to drive a car although I thought I finally can drive...
Failed at the practical test the second time.

I pushed myself too hard today, and now I feel like I want to scream and cry and fall apart.

WHY DOES MY LIFE SUCK SO f*****g BAD. THINGS NEED TO CHANGE. THIS NEEDS TO STOP. LORD PLEASE HELP ME.