Rants

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Yeah, I hate it when that happens. It is like I'm having a good day so I'm feeling all confident and so I leap into a potential stressful situation and then - bam - my good day gets spoiled because I pushed myself too far.

Trusting things get better for you soon.

My dog, aka the best friend in the world is dead, and I don't know what to do. I'm glad that she didn't have to suffer from the cancer she had and that she had a good life, and I love her so bloody much. I hate missing her all the time, it's only been a few hours since we took her to the veterinarian and she got to sleep.

Thanks, today is much better! I hope everyone else is doing well too... Sorry about your dog 47x.

I'd rather be dead than to have such a stark inferiority in life.

That's what a rant from Ten sounds like

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY JUST WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME??

WHY DO I ALWAYS MESS UP WITH THE GUYS I LIKE??

i hated it when he started talking about his girlfriend. i absolutely couldn't stand it.

i need to get him out of my system. i need to become a stronger person.

i just feel aweful right now. just totally aweful.

EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE IS STRESSING ME OUT,

So I have to get a new cell phone tomorrow, because my old one I keep turning off at night. Why? BECAUSE I AM SCARED OF GETTING CANCER, OKAY!? My parents said they are not mad at me for getting upset when my cell phone doesn't work, but deep inside, I know they are anyway. I'm sorry I angered you guys, I didn't mean to.

I get that I'll never become a happy person. But at least I thought I could live a more or less meaningful life under humane conditions, with at least a few people who understand me.

Turns out I can't. Without any intention to do so, I make other people uncomfortable and sometimes hurt them.

Avoiding people altogether is not an option. Without social contact, I get totally miserable. Plus, I have to work somewhere because I need to eat.

Yes, I have friends, and yes, I have the knowledge and the skills to do meaningful work. But I'm not irreplaceable. My friends could easily find someone equally nice and my hypothetical future job could be done by someone else.

I'm wondering if it would actually be so bad if I fell of my bicycle and broke my neck some time...

I hate my life and I am fed up. My family around me just get on my nerves, my cousins and their stupid f*****g girlfriends piss me off severely. The only way to stop me feeling so bitter is to not associate myself with them any more, but how can I avoid them if they keep bringing their f*****g girlfriends along with them to family gatherings or to your house in the evenings? I can't be unfriendly, it's just not me, despite all these bitter feelings I have inside me.

I just want to scream and kick and throw things and manically act out of control, but I just can't do that because it isn't very pleasant. But that's what I want to do. I want to show the whole world that I'm feeling this way. But I can't, otherwise I will end up in a psychiatric ward or lose respect from all my family and friends and then end up regretting it for the rest of my life. So I've just got to force out a smile, which is hard to break through these thick, thick crusts of anger, resentment, jealousy and misery that are the feelings inside me. I am finding it so hard to snap out of it. I am finding it so hard to handle the terrifying fact that I am made this way and they're not. It's like I'm afraid of my own social isolation. Well, I don't think it's social isolation I suffer with, I feel it's more emotional isolation. I feel too trapped in my negative emotions, which is keeping me from being able to connect with others properly and accept myself.

I had a descent upbringing as a child, and lived a typical childhood, but the only thing that was missing was having friends. It was rare that I got invited over a child's house for dinner or to play at the week-ends, and I've only ever slept round a friend's house once. I hardly ever had any friends round my house, only when I was really small and my mum knew their mum and was only doing a favour by looking after their child. If it weren't for having all my cousins to grow up with (whom I never see now because they all have partners), I would have been a rather lonely little girl. How heartbreaking does that sound? Why did that child have to be me?

f**k Asperger's I f*****g HATE HAVING IT!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

I finally get the opportunity to prove that I am just as enabled as any NT by studying for an important exam to something for my career and position. I even found some resources to help me prep right? I go to the bank and pick up some money by using a gift card to pick up what I need to help me get on step closer. This is only to find out that both websites will not take my card. So I have to wait a few weeks to either use my debit card or finally do paypal to pay for things for a while. Either way I am really disturbed.

I just wish my life was different. I wish I had more friends to go out and about with. People say to join clubs, but that never works on me. I've joined social groups and things like that before but it didn't turn me into a popular social butterfly. I'm too f*****g shy, that's my problem. I'm s**t scared to speak up in case I say something wrong or sound stupid or don't get heard and so on.

I'm starting to think it's not all Asperger's that makes life so difficult. It's the co-morbids that can come with it. I have anxiety that's mostly related to social things, and I'm prone to depression from not being social enough (which is a vicious cycle), and I can have social paranoia like thinking people are looking at me, judging me, laughing at me, and out to get me. But all my co-morbids seems to be related to being socially awkward. It's like I'm not really meant to have Asperger's, like there's an NT me somewhere inside me that's always screaming to get out. That's what I feel. And then I think, if I'm like that, then maybe I wasn't born with this Asperger's, but it was the MMR vaccination I had when I was a baby. I know there are a lot of arguments on this but I believe it might be a cause of Asperger's, not the ONLY cause but just one of the causes. Because when other Aspies say ''Asperger's is who I am, I wouldn't be me if I didn't have it'', I feel that is not how I feel. With me I feel the Asperger's is NOT who I am. I have all this anger and resentment and sadness, and I know past all that I am a sweet, happy, easygoing girl. It's like I can see everything I should be in a clear light, but the Asperger's fades it.
Take a coloured piece of paper, pour lots of sugar and salt on to it and spread it over the piece of paper. Beneath the sugar and salt you can see that underneath is a coloured piece of paper, and all you've got to do is tip the sugar and the salt into the bin and you will have a brightly-coloured piece of paper. That's what my Asperger's feels like to me. I can see my real self past all these Asperger's related issues, and take all those issues away and I will be a happy, social, easygoing female.

I feel like Asperger's is making me feel emotionally claustrophobic. I can't escape it. It is horrible. All this anger I keep feeling, calling my cousins names (not to their face) because they're all NTs and have friends and boy/girlfriends and opportunities to do things, and here's me I have tried everything in the book to better my life and meet new people but I fail miserably. And I feel it's not me saying these things, it's the Asperger's. Oh why oh why do I have to have it for? I can't find any ways to think positive about it. There's nothing positive to think about it.

''I'm a nice person'' - Yeah, maybe too nice, where I get walked all over or treated like a 4-year-old or just ignored. Besides, all this anger and resentment makes me think I'm not such a nice person, although it isn't really me underneath. I AM a thoughtful person underneath.

''I'm bright'' - Yeah, bright at things what anybody can think of or do. My intelligence does not make me a genius. It makes me average. I hate it when people try to talk me into thinking I'm more cleverer than anyone else. I am NOT, OK???

Really, I'd rather be intellectually thick as s**t than be socially awkward. People with intellectual learning difficulties aren't seen as ''mad'', like people with social disabilities like Asperger's. We are not mad at all, but that's how society views us as. All I've got to do is act normal and I get noticed and stared at. I dress presentably, walk up straight with a normal posture, always looked well-groomed, am fashionable, have a stylish handbag over my shoulder, and just walk along normally like everybody else, and I STILL get people staring for England. I mean, what the f**k am I doing wrong? I know one day I'm going to just crack up. I'm going to pull my trousers down and start dancing around manically, making everyone stare and laugh - and then I'll say, ''well, you look at me funny when I'm acting normal, so I'm giving you something worth staring and laughing at!'' Stupid f*****g general public.

Life with Asperger's sucks. I really can't put into words how much I hate Asperger's. I don't just hate it today or when I'm in a bad mood. I hate it every second of my life, ever since the day I was diagnosed. f**k Asperger's.

I can't even tell what reality is anymore. All the passive aggressive BS, indirect communication and just plain mean crap. What the hell is wrong with a little directness, a little assertiveness? A situation putting all the emotional strain on me is not something I like. Sorry, reality is taking a break right now, its decided to be neurotypical.

The people who wanted to take me out for a birthday dinner are friends of my parents. Apparently they like me, and invite me out to their birthday dinners. My Dad often doesn't feel like going and I attend to represent the whole family. I enjoy their company well enough, and it's good for me to go out and do some social things, to be sure.

I find it a lot easier to enjoy these occasions when it's someone else's birthday and my objective is easy to fulfill. I mostly just have to show up, smile, and make a few wisecracks. When it's my birthday, the task is immensely more difficult. They really don't know how I enjoy myself, so there's no way for them to create a situation which I will actually enjoy.

I'd absolutely skip it if I could, and the feeling that I have to do something that's supposed to be for my benefit in order to please other people creates a cognitive dissonance that really makes the entire thing more difficult to bear. The fact that my Dad shows up and has zero consideration for my feelings also makes it more worse. I really don't like being around him any more, not most of the time anyway. There's no way he'd understand that because he's lost all sense of perspective on just how offensive he acts, probably as a result of his brain injury.

Took the day off for our anniversary, all good.
Ended up staying home with sick kiddo, hey it happens.
Husband gone half the day to run errands out of town, okaaay
MIL decides to take her son out to lunch--to the very place we were going to dine at.

I should have just gone to work.

Blah. That's my rant for the day.

Last edited by Lillikoi on 01 Mar 2014, 10:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

All I ever do is work at s**t. All. I. Ever. Do.

It's not even interesting things, like programming or math or theory or modelling theory or graph theory, it's trying to negotiate stupid departmental politics (oops, we forgot to tell you your adviser is retiring and now you have to find a new one), or trying to endure under the touchy talkiness of NTs (WHY DO THEY NEED TO TOUCH YOU?), or being fussed at by NTs for not going to more game nights/social events, or dealing with some school-related BS, or trying to pay attention in a greenish, florescent-bulb-lit lecture hall, or trying to apply to every job ever, or dealing with my stupid ex (who, I swear to god, is trying to kill me from stress), or trying to get along with people or having to present for two hours over some obscure theory in a class I paid someone else to teach, or dealing with trying to graduate, or figuring out I'm in some theory/math/CS course with unpublished prerequisites that I don't have, but apparently should have known to take or something, which means I'm up late reading API or theory frantically.

All I want to do is crawl under my bed with some interesting combination of other AS people, books and/or my computer. I'm f*****g tired all the time--ALL THE TIME. My sensory issues are getting so goddamn bad I barely leave the house any more, except for to go to class or appointments. My phone rings off the wall with appointments and people who really need me to sign paperwork or make decisions right f*****g now about something, every time I turn around someone has forgotten to give me something vital/lost it in the mail/are you sure you turned it in (like graduation paperwork, my W2s so I can file taxes, the fact that my adviser is retiring and on sabbatical so he can't sign anything, this really weird inability to acknowledge that I've taken the classes I've taken and other stupid administrative hiccups that require me to chase paperwork all over campus or spend hours on the phone.)

On top of that, my closest friends have all developed a serious case of asshole-itis or something--one of them is suddenly incredibly rude because he's moving/trying to move and he doesn't know how to say "Hey, I'm moving out of state for work" and won't just talk about it, the other won't stop talking about the sex he's having with his girlfriend (SERIOUSLY, ALL RIGHT, I GET IT. YOU ENJOY HAVING SEX WITH HER. PLEASE TELL ME ABOUT THIS FOR HOURS.) and when she's around me, she also corners me to tell me about all the sex she's having with him (HOURS AND HOURS AND OH MY f*****g GOD CHANGE THE SUBJECT ALREADY). Neither will let me get a word in edgewise and/or ignore me when I ask them to change the subject or just leave the area. She'll actually prevent me from leaving an area or follow me to tell me more. She's so very jealous of him that if I so much as say hello, she picks a fight with him. She also tries to use me to 'make' him do things or to side with her in arguments. Every time they're over together, they fight in the backyard and I want to kill them both for the silence. Yes, I've tried to talk to them. No dice.

One of my other friends just got permission to hang out with me again after a year because his girlfriend, despite the fact that I have never and would never even so much as kiss the guy, decided that his holding me when we were both drunk was infidelity or some s**t like that.

Why are all my male friends dating these really jealous women? What in the f*****g world is there to be jealous about?

I was trying to go back on psych meds, but the doctor's office I was trying to be seen at kept 'losing' my phone calls, oops. I feel like I'm invisible, and I just don't have the energy to chase s**t around all the time (or the time to chase it.)

There is no point in the day where my head and/or stomach aren't aching or otherwise disturbed. I'm lactose intolerant and it's f*****g amazing how many things have lactose in them. (Hot dogs, apparently. Also cookies, baked goods, any pre-made food, etc.) I'm a great cook, but I have very little time to be in the kitchen. I've been eating soup and/or sandwiches for three months, for the most part, and any fruit which can be eaten while doing loads of s**t (bananas, apples, oranges). Honestly, I eat very little for the most part, but I'm not losing any weight.

My house needs to be cleaned, badly, and I just don't have time. On top of that, when I do clean, the other person in the house complains that I'm doing it wrong (but also complains when I don't clean.)

* pant, pant *

Unghh