Dearest,
I'm sorry for my impulsivity earlier in the month; it was wrong for me to contact you after pushing you away so abruptly this summer. I never wanted to remove you from my life, but as you were so fond of talking about your new love interest only six months after we broke up, it was a necessary move for my sanity.
I want to understand you. The notion of never knowing why you chose to end things in the manner you did is maddening to say the least. When I met you, I wasn't looking for a relationship. After recovering from the abuse in my prior excuse of a relationship, I just wanted a friend that I could feel close to without crossing those boundaries that are synonymous with a guaranteed ugly ending. Then I met you; eyes glinting like the summer sky, of which was dimmed only by your heart-melting smile. Shyly confident, boy-ish good looks, and with just an awkward enough social grace that I couldn't help but become transfixed on the beautifully fascinating creature that you were to me.
We connected instantly. Though we lived an hour apart, you always seemed to find excuses to be 'in the area.' Walks along the pier, through the market; our feet never faltered in keeping up with our exuberance and energy. You loved that I would follow you on wild adventures, and I loved that you made it feel possible for me to step so far outside my comfort zone. I wanted to climb out of my shell and experience the unknown world around me; I wanted to stay in step with you and never miss a moment. You made me feel alive.
You loved that I was different, awkward, and a bit eccentric. You loved that I love my cat so much, that I would quote Star Wars in daily conversation and rant about the current standing of the plot on Battlestar Galactica the same way someone would about work drama or something pertaining to reality. The morning after the Fourth of July, after you had stayed the night just so we could stay up talking while watching fireworks from my window, I knew that you were something special. You seemed to understand me, without me even needing to explain.
A few months later, I move in due to not being able to afford the rising rent of my apartment. The day we broke up, you had said to me, "It just isnt't the same anymore; I feel like we moved in together too fast," and I knew you were right. I feigned enthusiasm on moving day, but knew in my heart that it would ultimately spell out our end. Then, my then-undiagnosed Aspie traits that I tried so desperately to hide from you began to show. You began to show your true colors too. When I came to learn of this secret love of yours, this girl that was hidden so plainly in view, my heart stopped. When you told me that this girl would be moving in with us, I tried to withhold my objection. Soon, her picture was on our fridge, as were love notes and things that made me hurt inside every time I saw them. My blissful ignorance shattered with my rose-tinted shades.
I don't even want to write any more; It's not that I'm overcome with sadness or anything, I'm just sick of how much I've thought about you. I wrote you a few days ago to tell you that I have Asperger's in hopes that it may enlighten you as to why I behaved so "dysfunctionally" towards the end of our relationship; why I wound up getting epilepsy tested by a team of neurologists for a week to try and figure out why I was having these "seizures," only to be told that they are anxiety-related and "Do you have anything particularly stressful going on in your life?"
"Well, aside from my live-in girlfriend having another girl she claims to be in love with and expects me to be okay with her to be moving in with us when I was never previously notified of our polyamorous status that I abjectly am against, no, not really Doctor. You know, the one that signed a contract saying she would be here with me 100% of the time I'm being tested, and how she's not here? Yeah, she's out getting a tattoo right now. What a girl, eh?"
No, I don't have anything else to say to you right now. I just wanted you to understand why I can't talk to you; the girl I'm still in love with and so completely confused by that has a new girlfriend she pridefully displays the second we speak to each other. I have Asperger's. I may never understand why you DON'T understand. And I am learning to be okay with that. I won't lie, part of me wished you would have written me back, but I know its for the best that you don't.
Love,
Me
_________________
I wish I knew who I was before I was Me.
Aspie score: 180 / 200 - NT score: 25 / 200
Aloof: 112 / Rigid: 109 / Pragmatic: 117
AQ: 47