scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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Both of you need to find other meaning in your lives besides girlfriends, wives, & kids.

Measuring your own sense of self worth against these very few things in life is completely self destructive behaviour & serves no valuable purpose in your lives.

Yes, it's perfectly acceptable to want these things out of life. But it's ridiculous to base your ENTIRE sense of self worth & a life worth living on these things ONLY.

I don't have a girlfriend, nor wife, nor kids of my own & probably never will - although people in my situation are doing that more these days. Still, my life is very meaningful & worth living, because I don't deem it pointless if I don't procreate. It's really that simple.

I'm not some childless single guy who hasn't achieved maintstream's ideals of life success (career, house, wife, kids, picket fence and all that.) instead I'm many different things to many different people - including myself. Friendly guy, charitable guy, kiteboarder, beach regular, uncle, God father, neighbour, son, problem solver with my educational background, volunteer, active healthy guy, guy who helps homeless kids, guy who learns stuff and applies knowledge, guy who fixes things, builds things, creates things, guy who makes it a priority to give meaningful gifts to friends and family, interpreter for my deaf friends, protector of weaker people in hostile situations, peace negotiator vs. fight instigator, guy who lifts heavy things and does work to help friends/seniors, guy who gets up in the middle of the night to pick friends/family members up from jail lol, guy who does the same to prevent someone from drinking and driving, guy who drives friends home from the beach, guy who feeds people at the beach who are too low functioning to pack food & water with them if they can afford to even buy it, guy who reads bedtime stories to little ones, impromptu advisor to business people, gangsters, philanthropists & anyone else I've randomly had the opportunity to put my brain power to work for in the moment.. and on and on and on.

If I dwelled on the fact that I kids & am not attracted to women and very unlikely to ever have kids of my own (which I used to do for a period of time) then I'd drive myself absolutely batshit crazy over it.. and for what? It's not something I can change or expect to change. I can still have plenty of kids in my life and help raise & guide them - my siblings/cousins/friends kids, and homeless ones. I still find a way to have that sort of meaning in my life even if it's not my OWN. But, even if I had no opportunity to be a part of any chid's life in person, I could do like one of my aspie uncles has done (although he has helped raise my cousin's kid some in recent years) and sponsor some children in Africa, send money, receive letters and cards as they grow, become educated, and have a future. There's always a way to find that sort of meaning even if it ISN'T by having your own biological children.

But even just take kids right out of the equation 100% & I still have TONS of meaningful things in my life. Physical pursuits/kiteboarding/Tough Mudder, doing things with/for friends & family, academic and professional goals, there is SO much more to life than getting a girlfriend/wife and having kids that it's literally been years since I even thought of that. If you keep yourself busy with other positive things in your life, you won't have time to think about this single focused issue that causes you so much stress and depression. And I don't mean just distract yourself with a hobby. I mean REALLY enjoy yourself, your time, your life, in all the ways you like to. If that means riding a bicycle around town for a few hours a day in the sunshine, do that thing. If it means reading books or playing video games, do those things. If it's shooting guns, go shoot targets. If it's going to concerts, do that. The more you go spend your time doing things you enjoy, the more value you get out of life and the less value you place on things you don't have, or don't have yet. Also, as a side benefit, you'd be happier and thus more likely to attract a date and potentially get the thing you're looking for by not looking for it!

To be clear, I don't want to live up to what the dominate cultures of the Bible Belt want for me. The redneck side of the Bible Belt thinks I need to accept being a "p****" who won't ever "get laid" while the general Christian population of the Bible Belt thinks I need to go to church, support Donald Trump, listen to only country as well as contemporary Christian music, watch Fox News and believe everything they say instead of learning for myself, see people as categories instead of individuals, be scared of the "sinful" world, and wait for God's plan to kick in and I'll magically get a wife.

True, I did grow up thinking I was supposed to get married and have kids but that's because that is a common Bible Belt social view. It was when I started overcoming the Bible Belt brainwashing that I wanted love for my own reasons instead of society's. That is truly what hurts me the most because I am being denied.

Change your perspective. You’re not being denied. You’re being declined. Figure out why, work on changing yourself over time, and then you’ll overcome women’s objections & stop being declined when you put yourself out there and ask for a date.

No one is denying you anything. They’re declining your offers. Change what you have to offer and then maybe your offers will start being accepted. Don’t change yourself and you are the one denying yourself a different life.

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-12

8

Have you tried to change your perspective and learn something new from it?

Women aren't denying you dates/sex/relationships etc as if you're owed them and they're being mean.

They're declining your offers because they're not attracted to you. That's when you need to ask "Why not? What can I do about this to influence change upon myself and become more attractive so that my requests for dates are accepted?" And then do those things until you're ready to try again. Then if your offers are still declined, continue working on what it is you have to offer until you reach a point where your offer is accepted and you have yourself a date. This is the process that ALL men who can't get dates follow until they're able to get dates. It's not JUST people like you. It's divorced men who haven't dated in decades. It's out of shape men. It's depressed men. It's anxious men. It's tons of different men.. but all of them who eventually succeed in getting dates/relationships do so after acknowledging that they are not currently attractive enough to get what they want out of life, and so take action to improve themselves. For most that means getting physically fit via diet & exercise. But it may also mean pursuing an education or career change, money/finances, moving out of their parents house or away from a party house full of college kids or whatever. Whatever constrains them from getting dates they work on overcoming or improving until they can get dates. 50yo divorced men with receding hairlines and beer bellies etc get fresh haircuts and hit the gym, within the next year they're back on the market & dating women again. It doesn't just happen for them because they want it to happen. It happens for them because they're willing to do what it takes to make themselves more attractive.

7

I do think that the Bible Belt as a culture doesn't accept me, though, and the deck has been stacked against me since day one. There was even a time I suffered societal brainwashing because I kept getting certain social messages shoved down my throat. Even when the depression destroyed my old paradigm (That God had a plan for me), some lingering beliefs stayed in my mind until about 2009.

And you equally do not accept the Bible Belt culture.

So, then, do you have a plan for relocating to an area where you feel you would rather live & feel more comfortable around the local people?

If not, perhaps that's something you should research until you identify a few areas which you might like to live, and then work towards relocating.

You're not a tree, after all. You don't have roots planted 40' in the ground preventing you from moving. If you feel so unaccepted by the people where you live, and equally do not accept them, then move. Even if it takes you 5 years to save up enough money, it'd be a worthy goal if it improves the quality of your life for the rest of your life.

They don’t not know whether they’re attracted to me or not they won’t even talk to me. They have a superficial society driven list they go off of. If I did that I’d never considered chubby women. Some of those women if they looked pass superficial stuff might fine me attractive because of my personality and humor

How can you assume they don't know whether they're attracted to you or not without talking to you? Why would one have to talk to a man to know whether they were attracted to them or not? I can tell you first hand that I know at first sight, whether in person or a photo, whether or not I'm attracted to a guy w/o speaking one word with him.

Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, MOST people have physical attraction as the primary & majority portion of their overall attraction to someone. If someone is turned on by conversation, intelligence etc.. okay, cool. But most people know at first sight if they're attracted to someone or not based on their appearance and their body's reaction to that person's appearance - ie becoming sexually aroused/turned on.

Sure, maybe I might be more or less attracted to someone after speaking with them, but in general it can be determined in a split second at first sight for almost everyone - no conversation required. Same goes for others' attraction to me.

Assuming that women don't know if they're attracted to you or not without a conversation is a false belief.

i was attracted to my husband of nine years when i heard him read aloud the excellent writing from his diary, not by his looks. he's the only overweight guy i was ever intimate with. so, a conversation can be important, and you, not sly, has a false belief. perhaps you're each right sometimes. i have been attracted to two different guys only after i saw how quickly they learned a dance. the guy i was engaged to in the '80's had a gorgeous singing voice and serenaded me on the first date, which is why there was a second date. attraction is multifactorial.

-6. Not great at all. I've had an emotional and tiring day, and I've come over quite tearful this evening.

Trying to reach out to people (people whom I've often dropped everything for when they were down, I might add), but it's not really getting anywhere. They seem far more interested in their own affairs.

Yet again, I'm starting to wonder what the point is in having any sort of connection with another human being. They all flake out and let you down in the end.

Hugs
Most will flake out but the good ones won’t.

Want to talk about what’s got you down?