Rants

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I'm frustrated. Forgive me if this belongs elsewhere on this site. I just joined two days ago.

I'm beginning to learn that everything that was EVER wrong with me, and still very much is is because I'm an Aspie. I hate that it should matter whether or not I was diagnosed cause now it's all "Well, how do you know?" and I have to tell horrible, horrible things I'd rather not say. I was diagnosed as so many things that I'm not. Aspergers is the only thing that makes sense. My entire self was taken and I had nothing and no one. I knew I was different but didn't know how.

It's a long story, but I completely lacked confidence, feeling that I was a worthless nobody who could and would never fit in, not knowing outright that am wired differently and not fitting in is ok now. Something happened within the last few months that boosted my confidence and I began seeing things for what they are and slowly things made sense, why I can't feel or think how other people do and why no one understands me and I always feel like an outsider and imposter. I have quirky likes and dislikes (cause orange cheese just doesn't make any sense), I dress weird ("No! For the 12,000 time I was NOT sexually abused! I like wearing guys' clothes. Leave me alone!! !") I've been told I'm stuck as a kid in some ways, I can't understand relationships (I suppose I can love. I love my cats. There are people who's presence I enjoy more than others. But I can't feel the feelings other people feel), I pretend I know so much I don't about humanity to the extent I brainwash myself and believe my own lies and can't really cope. I brainwashed myself to fit into molds that were given to me, but none of them fit other than the one that wasn't given to me.

Now I know the truth but I feel like there's no one to listen. My mom listens and cares but she tries to get too involved and manage my life and I just want to yell that that's not what I need but my words and thoughts never match cause the part of me that thinks/(Feels?) can't speak. Maybe? I don't know if that's what it is.

No doctor will take me seriously, I cannot get diagnosed cause I just can't go through all the questioning and having to defend myself over and over and over. I don't qualify for disability, so my current job, night clerk at a gas station, is pretty much my last chance cause to some extent my boss gets it, sees I'm good just different and don't understand people well. I like working, and I really don't understand why most of the world doesn't. Usually at 5:12 AM I'm mopping the back office. Nights off confuse me!

People don't understand why I'm always angry and confused. They think and always have thought that I'm stupid, making things up, making a big deal out of nothing.

I'm angry and alone. Anything anyone can offer to help? I joined this site hoping to belong, to find hope, to feel less lost. Reading about people so much like me is just making me sadder that no one IRL gets me, not even friends.

And then there's H, the new friend who probably thinks I'm too weird and is avoiding me and I just can't take any more rejection!! !

Bloody downstairs neighbours and their daily sodding banging! You don't have to drop s**t on the floor at the time, geniuses! Ever tried putting things down GENTLY? And one of my intercostal muscles keeps seeming to pop out, if that's even possible

if you're not going to respond, don't contact me at all.
happy 18th birthday.


also

don't you know he has to wake up at 3 to go to work?
turn of the goddamn phone, or at least put the volume down, and go to bed.

It's so unfair that everybody around me has a partner except me. I get noticed by a lot of men, but it always turns out that they are already with someone, and I can tell that their flirting is saying ''you're so beautiful, I would go out with you in a second if I wasn't already married''. OK it may provide hope that I will most probably get somebody some day, but how can you if everybody you meet are already married? I thought I would meet at least somebody at work, but they are all married at work, even some of them have their wife working there too! There is only one man who is available who likes me and would love to date me, but he really is not my type. I don't want to date him just for the sake of it, because I don't want to start a loveless relationship and get all his hopes up then some day I will crack and not want to be with him any more and he will get hurt. Getting hurt is a horrible thing, especially when it comes to relationships, and I don't want to be responsible of hurting somebody else. So things are better for both of us that we're staying friends.

It just seems everybody has found the right person before I have. I have an Aspie friend who is the same age as me but has been dating this guy since early March, and according to Facebook, they are still all lovey-dovey. When they first were dating I thought it probably won't last for more than 2 or 3 weeks, but it's turning into a fairly serious relationship now. He buys her flowers and other goodies, was there for her when she was ill, comes round and stays at her house or invites her round his, and he takes her out to places and makes her feel special. And he is only a couple of years older than her, and she met him at the places where she does voluntary work, and he lives in the same hometown as her too, so that has worked out all right for them. Plus he doesn't like going to bars or drinking and neither does she, so she's found the right person there. Why can't I meet somebody like that? Why haven't I? When I talk about it to people, all I get is the same cliches; ''you'll find someone soon'', ''you won't find anyone if you're too desperate'', ''you need to get out more'', and ''someone will come along when you least expect it''. It's all very well saying this but my life is ticking away and I am feeling lonelier by the month, while other people around me are in relationships that seem to be growing more stronger and looks like nothing would come between anybody. And my friend was more desperate than I was, and kept feeling sorry for herself on Facebook and posting stuff like ''somebody date me!! !'' Also she did not plan a night out at some bar to meet this person. He just came along and they met at a shop where she volunteers.

I really want to know what that's like, to have a man come round to my house to give me flowers and other goodies, and take me out at week-ends and invites me round his to sleep. I would be so happy. After all, I deserve it. I could cry. I hate my friend's boyfriend. Wish he would die.

How in the heck am I supposed to do this.

Why are NT's so freakin' rude?
I've had it with my boss today.

Bloody ADHD and losing/forgetting things all the sodding time is driving me bonkers!

I'm terrified that despite my efforts, my closest friend is on the path to becoming a bad person.

I'm trying really hard to be patient with people, to be nicer to people, to keep my cool. People are not making this easy.

The new person working at my beer store had music on that made me want to run away screaming: Christian C&W. I could not formulate a response to "How are you?" while listening to that awful racket. The song that was ending had jingoistic elements, just to twist the knife a little.

The people working on my house have said some shocking things, too. I rely on their advice, but if what I asked for turns out to be impractical, then they should at least consult me before just deciding on something completely different, right?

I was so close tonight on relapsing with cutting. It came out of nowhere and now I'm exhausted. I thought about saying something to someone but it's like I get a wall I can't get past if I try.

I'm s**t.

And so tired.

I am so very, very lonely. Finding understanding, love and companionship is such an uphill struggle littered with traps and pitfalls along the way. I just want to meet like-minded people but oh it is so damn hard! I don't think the answer lies here. I've just got to find exactly where it lies. Anyway, I'm gone

Feel crappy. Why does my mother visiting have to be a disaster? Why can't I do anything right? Why does she want to do everything for me as if it's still the 80's and I'm too little to do it on my own? I'm an adult. I have a job, my own life. She doesn't understand that she ****ED with my routine by visiting me and now NOTHING is right!! !! I had to be awake in the day (third shifter here) and the sun was hot and I hate it and it makes me angry!

To a friend that I care dearly about: Your negativity involving yourself depresses me and I all asked was about our mutual friend. I did not want to hear your claims of our other friends being pathological liars when I am pretty sure you are the pathological liar. I will not be hanging out with you for a while.

To Trillium: Find me a doctor so that I can get referred for mental health services such as therapy. I want to interact with others without putting myself down or thinking other people don't like me.

I also despise PMS and not being able to spot liars or manipulators. It scares me and I feel so vulnerable when I interact with others.

It's nice outside. I want to go to the beach and have a picnic. But I have no one to go with. Summer is so depressing.

I discovered today that I no longer like being on my anti-seizure pills (Carbatrol and Topamax). Why, you ask? Because I'm going to start on the Pill and I know that anti-seizure medication makes the Pill less effective on preventing pregnancy, or not at all I may fear. I asked my neurologist if I can get off this medication so the Pill can be more effective, but he said no, because I can't just get off these pills cold turkey, so I have to be weaned off them. I can't f***ing wait that long, because my period starts in a week and I have to start taking the Pill then.I told my mom I wanted an IUD instead, which was the second option for birth control, but she said to try the Pill first for a couple months and see what happens.

I don't want to try the Pill, knowing that I'm on these godawful anti-seizure meds because I am scared I will get a lot of breakthrough bleeding, or I won't, but I'll still end up pregnant. I also wish I wasn't on said meds because I haven't had a seizure in 12 years, so why am I still on all this f***ing medication? Or better yet, I WISH I NEVER HAD A F***ING SEIZURE IN THE FIRST PLACE!