Rants

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A site I used to frequent way back in the day decided to take something I said out of context. Here's me shoving a mirror in their face.

http://cartjockeyconfessions.wordpress. ... ass-house/

My hands really hurt.
Again.

Off and on I physically have a lot of difficulty going out of the house, sometimes for a day or sometimes for two or three weeks. I can't really deal with speaking on the phone because it takes so much energy to understand what anyone is saying and everyone has like... a life. My boyfriend isn't the picture of health either but we keep intouch via messenger very very often and I use messenger and various parts of the internet to communicate and be social and keep in touch with people.

Most of the time, I'm not "fine" with feeling crappy, but it doesn't affect my hands in a way that it hurts when I type. Suddenly tonight it's starting to.

I'm already having a difficult time getting out anything I need to get out and now this little animal is clawing at the back of my brain. There was one other time when my hands started hurting like this but that went away. Things are getting worse and worse though I don't know what I will do if I am stuck not able to type as much.

This "Complex Care Management Team" that I have been referred to 3 times now has still not called me back. I am in such a s**t state of health lately that my GP referred me to them, making me all excited that I could actually get some assistance getting to appointments and getting RX's and other things when things randomly go to hell. But I've had to try to chase after it for the past couple months and I don't have that energy. If i did I wouldn't need the program.

I feel really really miserable but I just need to wall it off all the time and even when I want to rant I can't even keyboard smash.

ok so maybe this:
stuff behind wall ---> <--- wall.

edit: had to add appropriate notations to emoticon. yes, was necessary.

so in my Special Ed class the teacher was lecturing us on deaf and bind people. apparently it's okay to say that without using people first language. hypocrite. oh and apparently it's okay for deaf people to identify with Deaf culture as something to be proud of but if i wanna make the argument for using autistic as an identity or disabilities in general teachers all like oh but its pigeon holing blah blah blah. #$%*er. it's freaking stigmatising and its so obvious she's privileging certain identities as legitimate and good and others as illegitimate and bad.

I feel alienated from people to a degree that makes me certain that the feelings come from my anxiety, and not from other people. I just need to let go of this neurotic idea.

My grandparents keep giving me all of this unsolicited advice on how I can be successful in life, and they keep comparing me to my (very NT) cousins, who are all younger than me and have their s**t together. They know I'm autistic, but since I'm so "high functioning", they don't seem to accept that I have issues. They just think I'm this eccentric smart guy, like Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory.

Why can't I just be a little bit better at life? Just a couple of do overs, really, is all I would need per day.

I'm f*****g sick of it!
f*****g sick of the lazy, dumb-ass people in my class!
f*****g sick of the teachers allowing those students to be lazy!
f*****g sick of having to do 80% of all the work for an assignment in a group of four!
f*****g sick of having to correct spelling and grammar on the other 20%!
f*****g sick of people coming to live in the Netherlands, but refusing to adapt to our culture!
f*****g sick of those same people calling our culture racist! (the whole Black Pete thing)
f*****g sick of being looked at when playing on a 3DS at school!
f*****g sick of everyone thinking I'm Sheldon from BBT!
f*****g sick of people calling the way I spek 'incomprehensible!'
f*****g sick of everyone being addicted to Social Media!
f*****g sick of having to attend 'fun' parties and activities at school that seem tailor-made to make me feel handicapped!
f*****g sick of my sister, who keeps reminding me how social she was at my age!
f*****g sick of people saying ASD is caused by vaccinations!

Wow.... that felt really good...

I know, right? It feels pretty good just letting it out, but it really gives me a good feeling to know that someone is sitting there reading it and nodding in agreement.

Stupid infection! I can't breathe! It feels like there's a blanket over my head.

I spoke to my new case manager yesterday-finally- who i had been trying to get set up with for months. He is pretty much the "head guy" of the program and had been a nurse for years, both general medicine and psychiatric. So great, I feel like I'm in competent hands. he is looks over my last however long of records, doctors notations, lab tests. He notices I haven't gotten tested for lyme [I don't think I've mentioned this. It's possible I have. I don't have a brain left]. This surpises me- I had mentioned in FEBRUARY to my GP that I had remembered finding a tick pretty much embedded in my scalp the previous year [yes YEAR- I've been experiencing symptoms and been going steadily "down hill" for a looong time]. Only, things had been really crazy at the time- i was struggling to keep a crappy part time job and traveling back and forth from new hampshire a lot, visiting my parents where, presumably, i had gotten the tick and not even noticed. Entirely possible given I have an insane amount of hair, so who knows how long it had been there- a long time, I really think. It freaked me out but I was just not all with it at the time.

...so I'm speaking with my case manager. He says that there was an order, in Februrary. but it was never done. All this other stuff was done at the time. The lym test was not. I want to just slam my head against the wall repeatedly at this point. Meanwhile, I've agreed to start taking lyrica, under the.... very weak assumption that on top of the undifferentiated connective tissue disorder maybe I have fibromyalgia [even though not of the trigger points are particularly sensitive] because the antibodies that would support RA and lupus right now are so low that those DX's are not really supported at this point? Which is kind of a turn around.

Taking lyrica scares the crap out of me because when I took neurontin my body essentially shut down. Yup. I stopped breathing, vomited uncomtrollably, couldn't move... all fun stuff. Completely out of nowhere. And lyrica works pretty similarly.

So this is a good time.

And... stuff still sucks.

but... going to get tested for lyme soon.

Which... will probably come back inconclusive. Because that is my life right now.
Even though like all my symptoms match up, more than anything else at this point.

*throws confetti in the air*

Love this. love love love love it. and gonna crawl back into my hole now. yay

I can't reasonably expect to enjoy doing anything with my family, no matter what I do, and that makes me feel sad. I won't cut them off but I have to manage my frustration so that I don't burn out completely.

Nothing big, I mean. I can enjoy a meal or a conversation.

I was already angry that, after a long day of school and marching band practice, my mom had to go yo some stupid parent meeting, forcing me to wait around in the band hall in my sweaty clothes.

But I was extra angry when she said 'You know, if you had your driver's license, you could drive yourself home! Just saying.'

I have a driving phobia, and being reminded of it only makes the situation even more hellish. That was an awful thing of her to say.

I was going to go into town this morning and buy some junk food and cleaning supplies, but I stayed up really late last night so I decided to sleep in. My day has been boring as hell and I haven't really done anything productive.

i'd like to thank my dad for making verbal communication harder than it needs to be by interrupting me two words in, every time, and asking questions he know i can't answer, and of course...the guilt trips.

and of course was reminded again of how feeble my life experiences are compared to seemingly everyone, talking about the myriad of places they've been to and studies at, their plans for the next ten years, how they had so much fun over the weekend, etc etc. in the waiting room to see the counselor, no less.

One of the executive-level administrators at my university came up to me yesterday and asked whether I graduated from a high school in a nearby town. I don't think he grasped my meaning when I replied that I'd blacked all that out (overall, I hated that place). Anyway, he then mentioned my graduation year, and that he was in the same class, and that we'd had drama class together. I couldn't remember him at all, at first. I hope he didn't take it personally. I did sort of recall him later, but I had to think about that time, and I'd have preferred not to.