scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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8

-5. I don't know, I'm feeling the melancholy. I wish I had friends. Just one friend, that was actually around. And wanted to be around me. I feel like most of the people I talk to online only do when there's nobody else or they want something from me. I feel like an afterthought. But there's nobody wants to/has cared to try and get to know me. My one IRL friend I barely see. I think the last time I saw her was last May. I am reluctant to reach out because I don't even know if she wants to see me anyway. I've never told her about my mental health situation in the 18 years I've known her. I don't think that would change anything, though.

Having people online was really my only crutch, but. Recently most of my friends have just kind of ghosted, moved on. The one I knew for longest(9 years, from WoW) fought with me over something really silly, and we haven't talked in over a year now. She said some hurtful things in parting, too. Essentially that she never really liked me very much, I guess. Adding more to the insecurities I already had. She may have just said it in the heat of the moment. But I guess I will never really know. I was already paranoid that people I know secretly dislike me.

A year and a half ago I was at the best I'd ever been mental-health wise. It feels surreal how quickly everything tumbled back down. I worked so damn hard to get to where I was. But maybe it was just a farce. There's a lot more to it, but this already went much longer than I really anticipated. Yuck.

Edit: And just after posting this I just found out my father's current wife has cancer through Facebook of all things. No one felt the need to tell me anything personally I guess. Apparently this has been going on for well over a month too. We weren't necessarily close, by any means. But this seems important, you know? I did live with the both of them for 2 years or so.

-6 ugh they gave time the same speak every business does” we don’t much money off sales so we can’t afford to give you any partial return or pay shipping “ how does any business keep running if they don’t maoe much money how do such people become billionaires. Walmart says the same thing that they barely make by but their ceo makes millions their family makes billions.
I work retail and we tell our customers that shorty line but I’ve seen our cost and our prices we make a lot. Our owner is a billionaire. They say the same about guns
But a Glock cost Glock $80-100 to make they sell them for $650. And try to tell us they don’t make any money off it.
I doubt this sword cost them $340 to make. TThey probably making 30% profit like most places do.
So I’ll pay the $50 and hope PayPal pays the 30 and honors their ruturn shipping on is plan I signed up for so I’ll pay $20ish.
Maybe eventually I’ll buy the sword again but from the place that inspects every sword before shipping them out.

0, I want to be able to see the light if you know what I mean, I deserve it.

+8

+2 Not feeling as sick today, had some fun playing COD modern warfare single player that was free this month on PS4

-10

I am thinking about suicide again. I will never be able to adapt to this world.

About 1 or 2.

-7 I’m tired of getting in trouble and embarrassed in front of everyone for others mistakes.
This time in front of the gun lead so I doubt I’ll be able to go to gun library.
I feel they blame me fore everything and treat me as incompetent child because I’m disabled. They seem to treat the other lady with autism similar way.

I kinda want to just not print tags anymore.

3:

I'm not too bothered if I get the job or not..the fear of not being around a--holes at work will never go away but surprisingly I think I can still control how strenuous the work is, b/c it's my choice to get into something like being a 'warehouse assistant'.

'Abrupt-ness' on 7cups is making me increase in ambivalent reservations. I had to change the ~'Leave statehood behind and go back to being an ordinary human being' quote I like so much into 'Note for anyone member or listener who might find my expression 'strange': I am on the autistic spectrum.' b/c that semi-hypocritical website and it's 'listeners' don't always understand that it's fairly justifiably to write *POSSIBLY* long postings if it's about mental health issues out of all things >&( >: I ! and how that can also mean different 'styles of expressions' not the least from 'on-the-spectrum-ites' and grief >_< , I hope I don't sound like that i--t Anthony!.

+/-? Strong feelings that are positive, but also negative in a way, and confusing all at once. I'd really rather not feel this way.

7

-10

Another lonely Friday night. Why do others get to be able to have nights with loved ones while I am denied them?