Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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Dear gods of the Matrix,

What is it about my life that you seem to find so funny?

To Someone

How do you REALLY feel about me? Well? We used to be BEST FRIENDS, and now you act as if NOTHING HAPPENED. You're too INDIFFERENT, and it's making me annoyed!!

When I went on a break, I thought I was giving you a break too, so when I got back we could be friends again, even if it wasn't as strong as last time. I wanted you to talk to me like you do to other members, by being humourous and funny and interesting and fun and saying random things every now and then like we used to do all the time? I feel like you're being a bit two-faced here, you cease to talk when I'm around, but when I'm gone, as soon as someone else speaks, you're all over it!! Well I'm not impressed!!

I have feelings for you that I don't want to have. Even if they are not completely THOSE kind of feelings, they are still there somewhat. How do you think I feel about that? Denying it for ages, then questioning it when I see you act like this? Well? I dont' feel good about it, I know that.

You haven't changed a bit, have you? You don't even care, do you? I want you to treat me like the others, as a casual friend or aquaintence, but instead you're treating me like a STRANGER!! !! !! I've lost my faith in you, I htought there would be some hope left, but no.

I wish I could let go of you now and not care, I REALLY wish I could. But I can't. What we used to be still holds onto me, the memories are too nice for me to leave you behind forever. So what DO you think of me, and what exactly am I supposed to do to get you to be like you normally are to me as well as everyone else? Because I don't like the indifference.

Dear emptiness,

Down once more to the dungeon of my black despair....
Down we plunge to the prison of my mind...
Down that path into darkness deep as hell!
Why, you ask,
Was I bound and chained
In this cold and dismal place?
-----
Hounded out by everyone,
Met with hatred everywhere,
No kind words from anyone,
No compassion anywhere....

-----

No one would listen....

Shamed into solitude
Shunned by the multitude
I learned to listen
In my dark, my heart heard music

I longed to teach the world
Rise up and reach the world
No one would listen
I alone could hear the music

----------

Child of the wilderness
Born in the emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion....

To me

Stop f*****g crying, it's only a cold.

from you

KAF,

There was nothing I wanted to say a week ago but that was mostly due to shock. Now that I am past that I would like to say a couple of things.

1. Thank you - I know that you aren't expecting me to thank you for things but, to me, saying thank you is one of the best ways for me to get over what has happened. The four or so weeks that we were friends at the start of term, it was the first time in my life where I was comfortable around someone my age of the opposite gender who is also an aspie. Even though the groups I go to mean I am around many other female spectrumites I have never been able to be my true self around them. I didn't have to hide some of my quirks and, it taught me a lot about myself. And I thank you for the four weeks where we were friends as this helped me to realise it.

2. Sorry - This is probably what you would be expecting in a letter if you got one off me. I am sorry, truly sorry for all of the stress and anxiety that I put you through and, in a way, am continuing to put you through. It is completely up to you whether you forgive me or not but I am truly sorry for what I put you through. I am sorry about the day I told you I liked you. I didn't fully realise how much stress and anxiety I would cause you by telling you that I had feelings for you and I am truly sorry for the stress and anxiety I caused you because of it. I am sorry that I mentioned things that weren't mine to say on the Monday after. I was out of line completely to do that and I hope that you can forgive me for what I did. I am sorry about my stalkerish behaviour the week after. Even though I could control some of it, it was mostly driven by how much I cared for you, even though you rejected me. Yes, I should have left it at that after you said no but I went out of my normal ways to try and repair things after I started to cause you massive amounts of stress. All I tried to do was to be a friend that cared but my aspieness blew it out of proportion. If there is any way I can repay you for what I did wrong then just tell the senco and I will do it.

I thank you for spending some time to read this and it is a difficult read (it was difficult enough to write) but I hope that you can see from it that I am truly grateful for you as a person and truly, no, eternally sorry for all of the stress and anxiety that I caused you.

I wish you the best in everything life has left in it's basket to throw at you.

SRT

Dear X,

Perhaps this a warning from Karma. Tread lightly, because it HAS to come back and hit you, hard. You can't get away after what you've put us all through.

Sincerely,
Me.

Dear P

f**k you.

Sincerely
Your ungrateful ass

TO ALL THOSE WHO HAVE JUST TORTURED ME:

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME. NOTHING CAN JUSTIFY ALL THE PAIN THAT YOU'VE CAUSED ME.
YOU LACK OF REMORSE, SHAMELESS DISGUSTING BEINGS! WHAT KIND OF TWISTED MIND CAN ENJOY CAUSING SUCH PAIN AND DARE TO EVEN LAUGH ABOUT IT!! ! TO MOST OF YOU, IF NOT ALL, I'VE ALWAYS DONE WHAT YOU'VE MADE ME TO DO, BEING A * * * * * * * SLAVE, NOT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING AT ALL BECAUSE YOU NEVER ALLOWED ME TO DO.....AND, YET ALL I'VE DONE WHAT HAS BEEN FOR? BECAUSE YOU ALL DISGUSTING ME BEINGS ARE THE MOST UNGRATEFUL BEINGS ONE CAN ENCOUNTER IN THIS WICKED WORLD!! !! !! !! ! WHAT YOU ALSO HAVE IN COMMON IS THAT YOU HAVE THIS STUPID BELIEF THAT YOU ARE THE BEST THING EVER, AND THOSE WHO NOT SHARE YOUR STUPIDITY ARE TO BE LOOKED DOWN AND TO BE TREATED LIKE AN EXCREMENT AND USE THEM AS YOUR * * * * * * * PUNCHING BAG. IT MUST BE REALLY FUN TO BE SUCH IDIOTIC BEING WITH SUCH HIGH ATTITUDE, YOU THINK YOU'RE THE BEST-WELL, YOU SHALL GRAB THIS TO YOUR EMPTY MIND: YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME ANYMORE. THERE'S NOTHING THAT CAN REPAIR THE PAIN YOU'VE CAUSED ME. YOU'VE ABUSED ME IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY ONE CAN BE ABUSED. IN ALL THE WAYS!! !!
I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU ALL OF YOU!! !! AND, TO SOME OF YOU, TO LET YOU KNOW YOU WON'T HAVE ANYONE'S LOYALTY BY TREATING THEM LIKE * * * * * * * PUPPET. ANIMALS NOR PEOPLE ARE TO BE USED LIKE SOME SORT OF ENTERTAINMENT LIKE THAT!! !! !! ! I HATE YOU ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE TORTURED ME!! !! !! ! A. I SWEAR THAT IF I HAD THE LUCK TO FIND YOU, I'LL MAKE YOU TO RETURN TO ME ALL THE THINGS YOU'VE STOLEN FROM ME!! !! !! ! I KNOW HOW YOU GOT TO BUY FOR YOURSELF A MOTORBIKE-FROM ALL THE PEOPLE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY HAVE STOLEN-YOU SHOULD BE IN JAIL FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU'VE DONE!! !! !!
I HATE YOU ALL THOSE WHO HAVE TORTURED ME IN ALL POSSIBLE WAYS, AND YET YOU DARE TO LAUGH LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!! !! !!
YOU DISGUST ME, I DESTET YOU, I HATE YOU, ALL THOSE WHO HAVE JUST TORTURED ME. HOW CAN YOU ENJOY DOING ALL THE CRUELTY YOU DO?? I HOPE VERY MUCH THAT YOU RECEIVE WHAT YOU TRULY DESERVE-YOU WON'T GET IT FROM ME, HOWEVER-
UNGRATEFUL STUPID EVIL SHAMELESS BEINGS WITH TWISTED MINDS, I HATE YOU. I KNOW YOU DON'T CARE HOW BAD AND HOW MUCH HARM YOU'VE CAUSED, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT THE SLIGHTEST SORRY...YOU THINK YOU HAVE WON, BUT YOU HAVE NOT.... AT THE END, YOU AND ALL THOSE WHO ARE LIKE YOU, YOU LOST ME. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH DEMONS LIKE YOU. I'VE LEARNED THIS: YOU'RE ROTTEN. YOU'RE ROTTEN INSIDE.
STOP PUTTING ME DOWN AT ONCE!! !! !! ! STOP TORTURING ME!! !! !! ! I WON'T BE AROUND OF THOSE WHO ARE LIKE YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE WAY TOO NASTY....ANOTHER THING YOU ALL HAVE IN COMMON IS THAT YOU'RE ILLITERATE. YOU SHAMELESS HORRIFYING BEINGS. YOU MUST ENJOY THE TEARS AND BLOOD OF SOMEONE ELSE TO BE ABLE TO LAUGH SO MUCH LIKE YOU DO. LEAVE ME ALONE, I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOU NOR ANYONE WHO IS LIKE YOU!! !! !! !

I ALSO WISH TO LET A WARNING TO ANYONE WHO DARES TO HURT ME-EMOTIONALLY OR PHYSICALLY- :

ONE DAY I'LL LEARN HOW TO DEFEND MYSELF. THIS DAY IS NOT TODAY, NOR YESTERDAY, AND I'M NOT SURE ABOUT TOMORROW-BUT THAT DAY WILL COME.
SOMEDAY I'LL LEARN HOW TO DEFEND MYSELF, AND WHEN THAT DAY COMES, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO TOUCH ME, NOR TO HURT ME, NOR DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO ME. NOTHING IS FOREVER. I WON'T BE A PEOPLE PLEASER ANYMORE. I DON'T NEED THAT. I DON'T WANT TO SEEK THE APPROVAL OF INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE LIKE YOU. WHAT I WANT IS MY OWN APPROVAL. ONE DAY I'LL LEARN HOW TO DEFEND MYSELF, AND THEN, NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO HURT ME AGAIN. NOTHING WILL STOP ME TO ACHIEVING TO DEFEND MYSELF NOR ANY OF MY GOALS

Dear Mommy,

It was NOT YOUR FAULT.

Absolutely, positively NONE OF IT was in ANY way, shape, or form your fault.

HER fault?? YES. Your baby sister is a f*****g b***h.

MY fault?? Yes, some of it. I could have made other choices, and I'll take blame for honest mistakes.

A lot of other peoples' fault?? Yes, some of it. My husband and in-laws are selfish pricks. Your former in-laws are, well, liberals (like Rush Limbaugh says "liberals").

YOUR fault?? NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Think-- What would Daddy say??

I love you. I miss you. Merry Christmas.

Love,
Daughter

Dear Mom,

I'm honestly glad that you're my mother-in-law. It could be worse. And you are pretty cool, at least most of the time.

However. Your baby boy is 33 years old. He has a baby boy (and three daughters). He's grown up-- get over it. I hope I've gotten over it by the time MY baby boy is 33.

I am not out to get your baby boy. Nor am I going to live my life in service to the goals of your baby boy. Get over it. Do I want him to have the best life possible, and make everything he wants to out of his career?? Absolutely. Will I help him achieve that?? You bet. But-- Look. I know you made yourself a human chattel to Dad. You gave up travel because he didn't enjoy it. You gave up camping because he preferred to camp in the Holiday Inn. You gave up religion because he got thrown out of the Catholic Church. You gave up having an opinion because he was one derisive son of a b***h. I get it-- and it wasn't right. It didn't do him any good, and it did you a great deal of harm. I don't intend to be a bitter old woman if I make it long enough to be old.

We argue. We disagree. SOMETIMES WE YELL. Sometimes we get peeved off and b***h about each other. Sometimes one of us has to accept the other one doing things we don't like. WE ARE BOTH PEOPLE. Precious baby boy. AND ME.

In other thoughts.

I don't expect you to BE MERRY this Christmas. It is extremely hard to BE MERRY the first Christmas without someone you love.

I remember Christmas the year I lost Daddy and the baby. I was miserable. You were pissed. You wanted a clean house and fresh-baked cookies and MERRY. You got a pigsty and Sara Lee and hideously depressed. You were pissed.

Mom?? I don't care if I get down there, clean up dog piss and dog s**t, slay a few thousand giant cobwebs, and then fight the roaches for the Christmas tree. You really need to let us hire you a dog walker to come by during the day-- Boo will learn not to bite them. You really need to let us hire you the Merry Maids to come in a couple times a month-- your shoulders don't DO that s**t any more. Roaches are normal in South Florida.

We'll make MERRY. Or miserable. I don't, actually, figure Precious Baby Boy is going to be feeling too MERRY this year either.

We could do all kinds of stuff for Christmas. We could cook dinner like we usually do. We could go over to your nieces' place-- Dad isn't around to mind. We could get real crazy and go to Orlando on short notice. We could see if they still let people camp out on Cayo Costa-- I have this really great tent, we can even get you a tall air mattress. We could EAT OUT. We could set Dad a place at the table-- or not. We could set Dad a place at the table and light a bunch of candles and call it a séance-- the kids really do need some religious instruction, after all. We could go out to Captain Conn's and get drunk as hell and sit on the sea wall and sing Christmas carols. We could sit on the patio and get drunk as hell and sing Christmas carols.

It's OK to be sad. It's not about us. It's about you, too.

I love you. I'll see you Saturday.

Love,
The b***h Your Son Married

Dear me,

Watch out for the four red posting ducks of the apocalyp *chomp*

Dear me

Make up your f*****g mind

From you

...

Thanks for hurting me

Dear Deb,

Come clean, you f*****g b***h.

If you'll come clean, I'll apologize-- for a couple of honest mistakes, not for all the s**t you said I did.

Cause I didn't do it.

For Mom's sake, come clean, you f*****g b***h.

Merry Christmas.

I still hope you burn in Hell.

Sincerely,

Jessie

Dear Mr. Adam Lanza,

I realize that you were a kid in a lot of pain.

Well, thanks to you, there are now 26 families who are going to be in pain for the rest of their lives. Way to spread the wealth, as*hole.

Thanks to you, perfectly innocent people with similar neurology get to live their lives in a few more degrees of fear than we did before (not that we were exactly wallowing in joy before, as I'm sure you well knew).

From all the families you devastated, and from the depths of my agoraphobia-ridden little Aspie heart...

Thanks for the f*****g PTSD, you f*****g as*hole.

I hope you enjoy burning in the deepest pits of Hell.

Fvckt@rd.

--BuyerBeware