Rants

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I hate change. I hate being told well that just happens and to deal with it or it's a small change no big deal. Even when they know i am Autistic.

change is ok if it is a better thing chasing away the worse thing. in any case, it is inevitable 'cept from vending machines.

I feel like s**t, I have anxiety so bad about generally everything despite being in therapy I use so much energy trying to survive and sometimes I wonder if people like me were meant to go on or if natural selection will eventually get me sometime in a weaker moment I have gotten good at carrying so much s**t inside of me I don't understand the world except for eat or be eaten kill or be killed, I have no friends anymore not online or off I tried for awhile but no one professional or otherwise could give me any good advice and I am slowly killing myself with bad habits I am in pain health wise and no doctor or well meaning person can help me in any way and I do not know how to help myself I just keep going because that's what is expected of me and so I try despite feeling like I am going to break down I wish insanity would just f*****g take me so I don't have to attempt to care for myself anymore because this s**t is painful.

I came home from class to find two windows open in back, and a pane of glass smashed out of my back door. The door has a double-locking deadbolt that requires a key to open from the inside, so they couldn't get in that way. They instead pried a window open by breaking the latch. The good news is that my cat was still inside, and the thieves hadn't taken anything really valuable, just a big plasma TV that had been fried by construction dust, and my old X-box 360. I do feel a bit freaked-out, though. They didn't take some new power tools that I'd bought recently, and they didn't find my guns. The police came quickly to take a report, and the officer was really courteous. The only thing I can do, I guess, is replace all the cheap window latches with better ones.

I didn't feel all that upset when I discovered the break-in, but the shock, I guess, is wearing off, and I've started worrying.

f**k humanity. That is all.

i hate doctors. i really do. saw one today. don't know much about her life but she came off as a middle income earning jerk who knows nothing of reality or mental illness. besides autism i have severe depression, anxiety and ptsd(which i've told her about but she doesn't ever remember. she barely remembers that i've been assaulted more than once.) i'm not doing well and she doesn't know i'm suicidal most of the time or that i was going to do it a month ago but she still knows it's very severe. she also knows i'm autistic and have flashbacks and panic when i leave the house. knowing this she informed centrelink when writing my medical certificate that i'm fit to work part time. when i called her up on it she told me a job would provide me with routine and an opportunity to socialise which would make me less depressed. i told her talking to people had never been something i found beneficial and only had negative effects on me.she informed me that i couldn't just do nothing if i decided to not study. i wasn't even in a wheelchair she said(why is physical disability taken more seriously than mental ones?) i told her that if i didn't study it would be to get my s**t together. for 2 years i've struggled to stay in one piece and things just get worse. the holidays are never a time to work on myself. bad things happen in the holidays. i need time off, a break form full time stress. the only reason i haven't taken any is because centrelink would cut me off and i feel ashamed. she also informed me that i should exercise because that would make me less depressed and i was just like YES! YES OF COURSE! HOW COULD I NOT HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT. I DON'T NEED THERAPY OR MEDITATION OR INTROSPECTION OR ANYTHING. I CAN JUST GO FOR A JOG AND THAT'LL FIX MY DEPERSONALISATION AND PANIC ATTACKS. GENIUS. and she thought centerlink social workers would help me find the right job. hahahahahahaha. f*****g idiot. i cried for half an hour in the loo afterwards. then i cried on the way home in the bus.

The stress of this recent break-in has really gotten to me. I went to class, just trying to get on with life, but I felt so overcome with anxiety that I just turned in my homework, spoke to the professor, and came home.

When I was driving up, I saw a guy walking down my street. It looked like he was putting something into the front waistband of his pants and pulling his shirt down over it. For a minute, I felt sure it must be the person who had broken in, tipped off to my return by an accomplice.

My heart racing, I went into my house, got my pistol, and scoured the place, looking for any missing items. Everything was as I'd left it, I think, but my heart was racing and my mind still is.

I own the house, so I've taken some extra security precautions. I had the glass workers in today, and they replaced the broken panel with plexiglass. One of them lives in the neighborhood, and he had heard about several more break-ins around here. It could happen anywhere in town, but there is a cluster in my neighborhood. According to him, they break in in the mornings, through the back, by breaking glass. That consistency will, I hope, get them caught soon. The cops aren't all dumb, and they probably already have unmarked cars on patrol.

HALLELUJAH!! !! !! !! !! !! !

YES, THERE IS A GOD!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

My landlord told the deadbeat to be out of the house by 10:00 this morning, or be arrested for trespassing. I'll be the first to call the cops if he's still here at 10:00 AM EST.

At least, the landlord was able to rent out the den to a guy that's pretty quiet and clean, ADHD notwithstanding. The new guy at least cleans up after himself. I told him, while I appreciates that he does his dishes by hand, he can put his dishes in the dishwasher, and I'll run the dishwasher once there's a full load. The new guy is a Physical Trainer at Gold's Gym in Shrewsbury, PA, for right now. I was talking to him this afternoon, and his application was just accepted for the Delaware State Troopers. Now, he just has to pass his oral exams, in order to be admitted into the State Police Academy in Delaware.

At least, for right now, I can stop having panic attacks, meltdowns and shutdowns, since the deadbeat's outta here....

Having a hell of a day and it's only 6:30 in the morning.

I feel like moldy leftovers sitting in the fridge for a bit too long.

I can't even post on WP without being mocked by someone.