scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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I'll take commiseration. My dreams are dead now. I don't even feel the sinking feeling now. I was totally flat today. Let us get wasted until the end overtakes. Or I could hasten it.

Also, I'm really drunk right now so what's the point in talking to me?

you're still sober enough to be here. i tried to drown my sorrows but it would just come right back up [built-in nature's own antabuse] so i did various other things to try to hasten my end a bit, that just left me worse [in one case much worse] for the wear but still very much alive. human bodies are surprisingly tough to extinguish the life force within. i've seen the results of the more violent attempts, horrible. and the ones that survived the experience knew what they used to be b4 the attempt.
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

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I had the worst time sleeping last night.
I was so uncomfortable, from a sensory perspective. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I don't know why. And when I did sleep, I kept waking up.

Ugh.

Sometimes, the “real truth” comes out in an alcoholic stupor.

I’m a no drinker...but I always carefully study the words of inebriated people, and often respect them.

Sometimes, the “real truth” comes out in an alcoholic stupor.

Im a non-drinker...but I always carefully study the words of inebriated people, and often respect them.

I didn't drink until I was 25. And when I started I fell hard down into a hole. What I saw in me eventually was someone who wanted to be held and caressed and loved and screwed, like when I was 17 before she died and my reality shattered. We were messed up teenagers but we had each other. I think I broke when she died and a lot of weird stuff came out the other side of it. Eventually I packed it all up into a box inside me. I don't think it's working.

^^^that is very sad i believe it is good that you are airing this and engaging us in this. sometimes venting is the thing that needs to be done.

I'm more just drinking and recycling events that were never dealt with properly, and in the intervening decade-and-a-half have become part of the fabric of me. I learned really early to lie to doctors because everyone told me that autistic people don't answer questions right and get committed. Everything's fine. I'm good. No need to worry.

Hope you sleep better tonight. Big hug.

many of us here have back pages full of unpleasantness. sometimes there is no "fix" to these things, they are like accidents that had to happen for one reason or another that is beyond earthly comprehension. these things took us down roads less travelled, kept us from living more conventional story-line lives for reasons that will only become plain in the fullness of time and a higher dimension of reality once we meet our makers.

When I have trouble sleeping, I watch YouTube travelogues.

I just want to throw myself into the arms of someone. And if that's not what's going to happen then I need to have other values and I don't even know what those are anymore. A lot of this world seems empty and pointless. I don't understand.

I don't think I'm just autistic. I think I'm really, really messed up. But I'm not a bad person. I'm not normal but I want to radiate love in the way I understand how to and have it given back to me in a way I can feel it. But I'm SO weird that the yang to my yin has already coupled with a simpler and more "normal" yin. I think this is where I first thought of how it could be as a girl, simplifying it in my mind to the ability to throw myself at someone and let them have me. Everything's so complicated though and that thinking is naive.

I'm also really tired of people dismissing me as just like everyone else because I feel really complicated inside in ways other people don't seem to be whenever I try to talk to them about themselves.

Yeah...I wasn’t too thrilled when I was told I was “just like everybody else,” either.

What many unique people do is create something in some artistic medium or other.

Prove the idiots wrong.

I tried for a long time using logic to prove people wrong. But the things I'm trying to prove are too complicated and beliefs can be slithery like snakes, hard to wrangle. I think I need to go back to art and just let the themes and metaphors impinge on the minds with the "right" "sockets" open to them. (Polya's Urn with novelty triggering only expands into immediately adjacent possibilities and an individual person's experience is a thread through that kind of novelty space so only some will have certain ideas adjacent to them while others won't and will require various scaffolds to get them there, and only if they're open to ideas). Science has always been too judgmental (like certain people here that claim to have beliefs rooted purely in science, but deny the emotional horse leading the logical cart within them, to their own ultimate detriment (the only logical conclusion after exploring neurology and physics)).

So maybe art again. Except "it's not practical." But when I look at the "practical" world I see a giant soulless thing that doesn't care about us as people with feelings and hasn't truly* improved our lives in over a hundred years of the most fast-paced conceptual advancement in all of history.

I think I'm scared of being a cog in a machine and also of starving to death and I'm trying to figure out which one scares me more, which, through perpetual hesitance at making a committed decision, has led down rabbit-holes on all sides, just to be sure I'm safe in what In ultimately decide at the end.

Last edited by la_fenkis on 29 Oct 2019, 8:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

If you have an expansive minds, there are limits to science.

You can use logic in artistic creations—but you can sort of “bend” the logic to your own specifications.

There’s freedom in art where there is not as much in science.