scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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+5

BBQ ribs and cole slaw for lunch, but no tea.

7

free from what things?

Existing. I’m not alive. I’m nit living. I exist. I suffer every day. I cry myself to sleep every day and have to try hard to not cry at wor on on bus.
Death is freedom. There’s nothing for me here.

Like the show I’m the walking dead.
I wish there was alternative but since most women where I live are so superficial there isn’t.

Hopes for better days for you .

You're not in a state that's compatible with forming healthy attachments. It's got nothing to do with being superficial. Even if you were already in a relationship, one of the participants suffering a mental health crisis like the depression you regularly describe has the potential to disrupt or even end it. It makes one toxic to be around and even a very dedicated partner is likely to reach a breaking point where they need to disengage to protect themselves, this would likely either be ending things or cheating.

This doesn't mean you can never participate in a relationship, it just means you're far less likely to find one until you sort out your current state.

While I doubt it's of much comfort, I'm in the same boat right now with no idea how to get out. There's plenty of other people in this boat too, and if you were to meet them you'd realize they're not viable matches even if they might be under other circumstances.

I wish I had more advice to give on how to get out of the boat, but bipolar means I don't usually choose to be removed from this boat any more than I choose to be thrown back into it.

That’s like saying an unemployment person who is depressed because of it shouldn’t get a job, but that’s the one and only thing that’ll make said person not depressed.
My sadness comes solely from not having a relationship so getting one would solve it.

But as my recent change proved it’s about my inco,e nothing else. I lied and changed it and I’m getting aloof matches now. So what stopped those women from liking me and marching with me was my income nothing else.

I can’t work I can’t get a good income I’ll never make 50,000 a year.

Severe, chronic depression causes people to remain distant and makes it harder for the sufferer to form attachments. Has focusing on fixing the relationship status worked so far? Why not try focusing on the other part of the problem?

Those women aren't really long-term possibilities for healthy relationships. You're attracting parasites, not partners. If you're going that route, go all in. Don't mention income at all, but rent an expensive car for the day and take a few pictures. Have a few pictures with expensive brands logos sorta, but not entirely in view. If it gets mentioned, just talk about how that stuff attracted the wrong sort of attention and how you didn't need it. Congrats, you now sound really rich instead of just sorta rich.

Edit: I'm not sure if I can honestly click the captcha box asking if I'm not a robot. What if I just don't realize it?

my husband never was thrilled about being alive and thought a lot about suicide. lately, he's been happier, but he has leukemia and doesn't horribly mind that he's going to die. so, without worry, he's enjoying what's left of his life.

how's your back?

If I have depression it’s situational depression which an unfortunate perms situation while usually the situation passes or can be solved. Since it can be solved the depress can never be solved. At least until science can make a ai sex bit who is basically a human.
Not holding out hope for that in my life time.

You act like I don’t. But guess what it’ll never fill the emptiness. Most humans are made for isolation. We are social species, we need to socialize to keep happy and Sane and we need to have relationship. I get neither. And non of ,u hobbies will replace that. I can’t play games 24/7 I can’t work 24/7. If I stop trying I’ll 100% neber find anyone ever. If I keep trying there’s 1% chance I might and that is all that keeps me going. So no I can’t and won’t stop trying and day I do is probably cause I died or killed myself.

I don’t expect to date. I know I’m worthless to most and probably all the single women in my area. Haven’t you ever out of sadness and deperstion just said f**k it and done something?
That’s why I changed it cause why the f**k nor I’m getting zero results as is so wh pay the ***** not.

Unless you want to help me rewrite my profiles or such i dont know much left I have to say to you.

Online dating is my only Chance. Women either don’t notice me in person or give me nasty looks to say “ how dare you look my way or try to talk to me” and the ones who do talk to me are all in relationships and say I’m not good enough for their friends or family.
I’m always told I need to get a real job and grow up.

It’s making my work life worse then normal, people have me even more now.

He’s lucky to have you. If I got cancer I’d be all alone, I think I’d just kill myself. Life’s tough enough as is without having some horrible illness besides autism and being alone.
I told the autism speaks on Facebook that autism’s a curse and I stand by it. I supoort aborting autistics boys. No one should have to go through this hell like I and others do.

Won’t be anyone at my hospital bed or death bed. I’ll be all alone and scared. It’s better I pick when to end it. I don’t want to be alive last 35 alone.

Meh, 6 or 7. Nothing bad's really going on or anything, but I'm a little bored. Maybe I should try to arrange myself a date for the upcoming week or something...

-20 still
Should be sleep it’s 4 am so much for extra hour of sleep

I understand you do expend effort trying to improve this situation, and that you do likely put effort into trying to resolve both halves. I also don't literally mean give up on looking for someone, but instead to make that less of a priority as you work on building yourself and improving your mental health and self-image. I don't imagine that you'd describe yourself to a potential partner in the way you describe yourself on here, but even just sincerely believing those things to be true is going to undermine you, you're a better person than you insist you are.

If I thought I could improve your profile I'd be happy to help.
If I lived close enough to introduce you to people I would.

If getting a better job and growing up aren't on the table, being a better version of who you already can be. I'm not going to tell you to grow-up or to get a better job, since I can't do those things either. I realize you're wounded and that it's insensitive to just insist you stitch yourself back together and worry about healing, but it's all one can do.

Like a lot of people (myself included) who are depressed but unwilling to actively end their life, instead of being 'on the fence' it's more like we're leaning against it peering through at the other side, but that's a maladaptive behaviour. Daydreaming about being dead becomes an excuse and a distraction from putting more effort into making things better.

NaN (Not A Number)

My best friend crushed me into emotional emptiness. My mom died a few days after that on Wednesday. Friday was my birthday, the best part of which was obtaining a mote of weed from my cousin and the subsequent euphoric haze that came as an eventuality of that. Work and school are jokes made cruel by so many things I don't care to get into debates about with anyone.

I'm not made for this human built world. I don't think anyone is but somehow people contort themselves into shapes that can mostly survive in it (while suffering various degrees of psychological death in the process most assuredly, but they would never cop to that, given how it would breach the closure of a decent reality and reintroduce despair to an otherwise "steady state").

It's no wonder that in a world increasingly organized around financial endeavors that community would become compartmentalized, shallow, and fluid as a response. That community itself would disintegrate into the larger money-system.

Maybe it doesn't make sense. The pictures I have of it all in my head work but I'm increasingly believing I can't do justice in words. And even if I could, I wouldn't want to engender an understanding that's convergent with, superficially my own, but that's just an endless discussion among others that converges on some formalized, ritualistic, dogmatic understanding that winds up excluding my own espousal and those of the marginalized others? %

"Black then white are all I see in my infancy
Red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me
Lets me see
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
Drawn beyond the lines of reason
Push the envelope, watch it bend
Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
Black then white are all I see in my infancy
Red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me
Lets me see
There is so much more
And beckons me to look through to these infinite possibilities
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
Drawn outside the lines of reason
Push the envelope, watch it bend
Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind
Withering my intuition leaving opportunities behind
Feed my will to feel this moment
Urging me to cross the line
Reaching out to embrace the random
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come
I embrace my desire to
I embrace my desire to
Feel the rhythm, to feel connected
Enough to step aside and weep like a widow
To feel inspired
To fathom the power
To witness the beauty
To bathe in the fountain
To swing on the spiral
To swing on the spiral to
Swing on the spiral
Of our divinity
And still be a human
With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
Between the sounds and open wide to suck it in
I feel it move across my skin
I'm reaching up and reaching out
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me
What ever will bewilder me
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been
Spiral out, keep going
Spiral out, keep going
Spiral out, keep going
Spiral out, keep going"

Last edited by la_fenkis on 03 Nov 2019, 8:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Wow .. la_fenkis sounds like we has stumbled into similair appearing holes.been attempting to apply , my sense of humour , to the hole in my sinking ship ..??? it just don't fill the hole it would appear .